Tales of a Parody of a Self Insert
by tiger002
Summary: With so many self inserts out there, I decided to have fun with one. Comical characters find themselves if the greatest video game ever. Read if you want to laugh. Rated T for some violence and disturbing content.
1. Chapter 1: Chuck Norris

A/N: With all the self-inserts that are popping up it seemed only natural that someone would decide to do the complete opposite of a self-insert. Thus begins Tales of a Parody of a Self Insert.

Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of Symphonia or Chuck Norris

At school, I was always the awesome one. I was captain of the football team, basketball team, and about any other team, I decided to join. My grades were always straight A's. I couldn't see how some people thought advanced Calculus was hard. Anyone with half a brain could do it in their sleep. Moreover, all those wimps on the sports teams, they think that bench-pressing 500 pounds is hard. It was almost getting boring, destroying anyone at anything I tried. I decided to see if video games would give me a challenge. They did not. Most games I could beat in half the time it took any other person. The only game I found somewhat interesting was Tales of Symphonia. While even on maniac, mode with half exp is was too easy for me although I must admit the story was good and with my amazing brain, I memorized every line I saw.

One day I found even more board after I defeated the captain of the chess team in two moves. I was pulling my car down the road after it wouldn't start while my girl friend was inside steering it. I do not get why they won't let pedestrians run on the freeway, even when they can keep up with traffic. I guess it didn't matter since I and my girl friend would be home soon anyway. Even though I had thought this almost a hundred times, I was sure that this babe was the hottest one in the world.

As I was walking along the road, I heard a strange voice. With an Italian accent, it said, "So you think this life is too boring? Let's have some fun with that". As it said that a bringt light engulfed me. The bright blue light surrounded me. When the light departed, I found my self before a large building. I could hear fighting and saw a swordsman charging at me. Before he could slice his sword at me, I punched him in the face. Just like when ever I do it at school, the swordsman flew back and hit his helmet against the tall building.

I looked behind me and saw a swordsman in red fighting another swordsman just like the one I had punched. With the help of a yellow haired girl with strange spinning objects, and a small white haired boy, the swordsman in red won. From behind us, a large man with a big spinning spiked ball approached us. I then realized that I had somehow been transported into Tales of Symphonia. This could be fun.

The three kids ran up to try to help me but I needed none. The man launched the ball at me, which I countered with my fist. The ball shattered and the man began to run away. I chased the man and then tied his arms and legs in a knot and rolled him down the stairs. As the man hit the bottom of the steps Kratos approached us. He explained about his role as a mercenary and all his other lies. He saw my combat abilities and asked me to come with the chosen though the temple. I wasn't sure why he let Genis and Lloyd come but I guess I couldn't stop them.

"What is your name," Kratos asked me.

"Chuck, Chuck Norris" I responded.

We then continued into the temple. We reached the door that in the game they needed the sorcerer's ring to open. To their surprise, my fist worked just as well. We walked though the transporter thing and ended up in the other room. Remial came down, bestowed upon Collette the cruxis crystal, and then began to give his speech about saving the world. It was at this point I decided to have a little fun. I walked up to Remial as he was talking and roundhouse kicked him in the face. He then crashed into the ground and died. Kratos was about to say something before I stopped him.

"Save it Kratos," I said putting up my hand. I know as well as you that you are going to betray us, that you are a member of Cruxis. Oh by the way Lloyd, Kratos is your father." Kratos was aghast that I knew all of this and even more so when I roundhouse kicked him through the ceiling. My guess was that he would hit Deris-Karlan within the hour.

I then walked over to Collette and placed my hands on her shoulders. I looked deeply into her eyes. We then proceeded to strip and have hot passionate sex on the alter. Lloyd and Genis were shocked to say the least.

"What are you doing!" Lloyd screamed at me

"You're just jealous you didn't do it first," I responded.

"I can't believe I'm seeing this," Genis commented.

"I guess today is when you loose you childish innocence," I said.

Soon after Collette and I finished, we put our clothes back on and the four of us continued out of the temple. We ran into Raine who was studying the rocks. I remembered about the spanking Lloyd and Genis would receive. I thought I might have owed them for scarring them for life so I went up to Raine and began making out with her. During this enjoyable five-minuet process, she seemed to forget about her anger with the boys.

A/N: You are probably wondering what I was thinking when I wrote this and if so that is expected. If I get reviews with good idea for more chapters, I may write them but for now, I cannot think of anything.


	2. Chapter 2: The Cheez

A/N: After receiving positive feedback on the first chapter of this, I decided to continue the story. However having Chuck Norris roundhouse kick everybody, while always fun, might get boring after a while. Each chapter will have a different character inserted into the game and since my ideas are limited, I will take suggestions. This chapter's idea was going to be from freakyanimegal but as I wrote it, I found that it was turning out more horrible then funny. Therefore, I think I found a good character for this

How is it that you can't get your money back from an all you can eat buffet if you can eat more but they run out of food? These thoughts troubled me as I was walking back to my house. I contemplated suing them but that would require work from me, which I try to keep to a minimum. I thought about the fact that an 18 year old should have a driver's license but that brings me back to the point of working. Those classes and the test and all that other stuff is too much work for me. So instead, I shall walk 5 miles each way to dinner, which they run out of. This saddens me.

Surprisingly enough I did do enough work to finalize that legal name change. My friends had always called me Cheez for a while and eventually persuaded me to legally change it. Yes, it is Cheez and not Cheese. One is my name and the other is something that is enjoyable to eat.

Why did I walk this far to not even be full? I then thought about playing the awesome game, Tales of Symphonia when I got home. It was dark but then it became even darker. Some of the darkness began to fade. I found myself to be in a vast dark forest. I contemplated the fact that I made a wrong turn but I did not recall any forest like this is my urban city. I didn't remember making any turns either but that is not surprising considering I don't remember the taste of anything I ate a half hour ago.

I looked around the forest trying to get out of it. Then I saw something very unusual. A creature was walking and it looked like it had green peppers as hands. Yum. It may have been vegetables but it was still edible. I ran after the creature but it tried to fight me. I took large bites out of its green pepper hands then proceeded to kill it by farting in its face. I then continued to consume its hands.

Then a group of people came and noticed me eating the monster. "A human eating monsters?" a women said, "that gives me an idea for dinner tonight."

"No, please I'll cook dinner tonight," a boy said pleading with her.

"I like that idea better," another voice agreed with the boy.

"I will cook dinner and you will like it," the women said loudly and the others reluctantly agreed with her. All this talk about dinner made me hungry, or made me remember I was hungry.

"Dinner sounds good to me," I said bluntly, as I walked over to them.

"I think I should cook if we are having guests," the boy said.

"Nonsense, I have to try this new idea," the women asserted.

The boy then walked over to me and quietly said, "Run away from here while you still can."

"But I'm hungry," I responded.

"It's your funeral," the boy said holding his hands up in defeat as he walked away from me. Then the three introduced themselves as Lloyd, Genis, and Raine. I introduced myself and they were surprisingly unfazed by my unusual name. After they had gathered some firewood, I accompanied them back to their camp. Four others were waiting there. I was told their names but I quickly forgot them since I was too intrigued by the dinner that was coming.

I watched Raine make some kind of dinner but I could not tell what it was. It looked like she was putting in the strangest assortment of different food into a large pot and stirring it together. I saw peppers, cinnamon. Large pieces of bread, meat of different types and colors, and a number of other things that I assumed were edible. After some time and a melody of less then desirable smells, the dinner was complete. Raine gave me a bowl and poured some kind of food or some other object into it. At this point I wasn't sure if it was edible or not but I knew of only one way to find out.

I took a bite of it, and I must admit, I had never tasted anything quite like it before. It had a strong spicy flavor along with a melody of other flavors that did not blend well together. After Raine finished severing the others, they contemplated ways to dispose of it discreetly. I continued to eat the substance and found the unusual taste at least edible. Even to this day, I cannot be sure if I liked it or not, do to the weird combination of flavors. It was food and I was hungry so the rest did not matter.

After quickly finishing my portion Genis said to me, "I'm surprised that you are still living after eating my sisters cooking."

"What did you say?" Raine said turning to Genis.

"Nothing sis",

"It was food so I'm happy," I responded.

"Will you take mine then?" he asked. More free food! I quickly took him up on his offer. Genis switched bowls with me and I began to eat his food. Raine saw the switch despite Genis's best efforts to hide it.

"I have never seen someone who was so fascinated by my cooking," Raine commented.

"Your cooking is unique," I responded.

"Would you care to try more of my recipes?" she said.

"Sure!" As Raine was making some other dish I saw most of the others slowing move away from the camp. I overheard something about Genis and a good dinner. As I waited for Raine to finish her new recipe, I realized where I was. Somehow, I was in Tales of Symphonia and was getting free food. I was happy.

A/N: Maybe not as completely outrageous as the first chapter but I like it and I hope you do too. This chapter was inspired by one of my friends. I am taking suggestions for the next chapter. Some future ideas I have are Dr. Phil, President Bush and President Obama.


	3. Chapter 3: Dr Phil

A/N: Do to people who seem to enjoy my comedy I shall continue adding chapters. This might take a while to update since I am trying to focus on my other Symphonia work. Also, to save me from making up a back-story for something this short, just assume all these people were magically teleported into the game and somehow know about the plot for some reason.

Disclaimer: I own nothing that could in any way result in me being sued should I claim to own it.

Chapter 3: Dr. Phil

After a long day of work, I found my self in a strange and unusual land. It had been a long time since I actually worked more then three hours in a single day. I looked around and I appeared to be in a city that overlooked an ocean. The buildings appeared to be built in a way that resembled artisanship from several hundred years ago. I went to the center of town after hearing about some commotion.

As I went to the town center, I saw gallows with the rope cut. There were also a number of armed warriors that looked to be about to kill each other. As I gazed around, a fireball flew right over my head. If I had any hair, it would have likely been set ablaze.

"What is going on here?" I yelled.

"These inferior beings got in my way so I shall destroy them," a large red headed man said.

"You try to kill an innocent person and think we are wrong for saving them?" a brown haired boy in red countered. Then a swordsman charged at the red haired man who then blocked the slash.

"Why are you people doing this?" I said loudly, "you are all people, who possess the same blood so you should accept one another as fellow humans."

"Actually," a white haired boy commented, "my sister and I are elves, the swordsman are human and the Desian were half-elves." It appeared that my logic had failed and then I knew that I was in Tales of Symphonia.

"It doesn't matter," I stated, "it does not matter what filled your past but you should just love each other." I then went over, put my arms around Lloyd and Magnius, and tried to sing Kum-bi-ya with them. At that point, they appeared to be getting slightly aggravated. Magnius turned and punched me in the face.

"Whelp, I propose a truce for today," Magnius said.

"Oh?" Lloyd responded.

"I shall leave this town and its citizens alone if I can do what I want to this man," Magnius suggested.

"Only if I get to help," Lloyd responded. I began to think I was in a bad spot so I ran as fast as I could. I then felt a sharp pain in my rear end. I look behind me and noticed an arrow implanted into my butt. I tried to continue to run but I felt my head hit Magnius' staff thing. He pulled me back up from the ground and began dragging me.

"If any one objects to me squashing this pest then speak now," Magnius said. There was dead silence. Magnius led me over to the gallows and prepared to hang me. Right as the noose was tied around my neck everything faded.

I looked and everything was back to the world I knew. Was it only a dream or was it something more? Several things I learned from that experience. Not everyone could be reasoned with, arrows in the butt hurt, and too much star bucks can cause strange hallucinations.

A/N: I admit this is a short chapter but I could not think of anything else to add for it. Thanks for the reviews and additions to alerts. Any ideas suggestions or anything will be welcome in reviews.


	4. Chapter 4: Paris Hilton

A/N: People seem to like these stories so far so I shall continue them. It is a different person each chapter inserted into the game and for now, the chapters are not connected in anyway but that might change later.

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story.

Chapter 4: Paris Hilton

I just could not believe it. My masseuse left halfway though my massage for some lame family emergency. He ran out saying that his wife was in labor. How could he think that some ugly old woman was more important then me, Paris Hilton? I'll remember this next time he doesn't want to work 24 hours in a row.

'People are suffering and you are so self-centered?' I heard a voice say within my head.

'Being this awesome, I see no point in caring about those inferior people,' I responded.

'Let's see how you like being the one in a poor situation,' at I heard that I teleported out of the salon and into a strange new place. I saw people in rags pushing large boulders around. If you are going to be out in public, at least have the decency to wear some designer clothing. I looked down and saw that I too was wearing these rags. This cannot be happening! I must be dreaming or something. Nothing I have ever worn has cost less then a thousand dollars and this looks like it was found in a local garbage heap.

"What is going on here?" I screamed.

A person in tacky armor came up to me and said, "Get back to work you inferior being," Oh no he didn't. He just said the 'W' word. I have never worked a day in my life, nor would I ever.

I went up to him and snapped my fingers in front of his face. "Now listen here you wacky, tacky armored bozo. I don't know who you think you are, but I know you are out of your mind if you think I am going to do any type of work for an imbecile like you. Just go be a good little boy and go get me a double frapped mocha espresso, double blended, of course."

The person had a look of surprise on his faced that then turned to anger. "What did you just say? I think you just earned yourself a few hundred lashings." He then yanked my harm and forced me to go with him. My lawyers would so sue him for everything he had. Then he slammed me against the wall. I was bleeding. Did this idiot have any idea who I was?

"Is there a problem here," a person came out from one of the buildings in this horrible designed place. He had a giant yellow machine on his arm. Talk about a fashion disaster.

"This whelp was back talking me sir. I found it necessary to remind her who runs this place." This guy with the strange fashion, I assumed was the leader. Maybe he would know who I was and release me.

I walked up to him and said, "Sir, surely you know who I am so if you would be so kind as to release me I would be ever so grateful to you."

"I really have no idea who you are except for a pathetic human. Beyond that, I don't care. If you will to limit your pain I highly recommend that you get back to work." After he said this, he punched me in the face. Clearly, this whole place was full of morons. Now my nose was bleeding. This is clearly unacceptable.

"Sir, a human just shot fireballs at some of our guards," another one of them reported to the leader.

"Open the gates and kill him," the leader ordered. With the gates open, I found the perfect opportunity to escape. I ran quickly out the gates only to trip on a couple dead bodies. I noticed the bodies had the same fashion sense as most of the people in that place. I saw a man in red running away from them so I decided to join him. He appeared to have swords so he could be my bodyguard. I would have daddy pay him nicely for his services of course.

"Wait for me," I cried out.

He turned to face me and said, "sorry but I can't talk now." He jumped down a ledge so I followed. Surly once he knew who I was, he would be obliged to help me. After jumping off the ledge, I realized it was a cliff. I could feel my body accelerating and knew the impact would not be pleasant. He was sliding down the wall easily but I was not so lucky. The second he hit solid ground, I hit him. Between the pain and the cracking noises, I was sure something inside me was broken. At least I had something somewhat soft to break my fall.

A/N: Another short chapter, but I do not want to drag these out too far. I want to thank the 1 favorite I have received for this and the 2 alerts, along with the reviews, but that doesn't mean stop reviewing.


	5. Chapter 5: eye of the tiger

A/N: After working on other fics, I have decided to add a chapter to this one. Before you read, I must warn you that this chapter is very strange even by my standers.

Chapter 5: Eye of the Tiger

You ever hear the quote by Mark Twain, 'the only difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense'? Not the way I write. The four characters appeared in front of me; and it began.

"Welcome, lady and gentlemen, I'm sure you are wondering what you are doing here." The four of them looked around in confusion.

"Who are you?" Chuck asked.

"Quite blunt I see," I replied, "but you see Chuck, I have no need to explain myself to you."

"Answer my question, and how do you know my name?" he yelled.

"I will teach you to respect my power," I ordered. He flew of the ground and into the nearest wall at a great speed.

"How did you do that?" he responded.

"My power needs no explanation. This is my realm and what I say happens. You see, not a thing happens without my approval." The other three were shocked at my display of power. At least until I decided to have them speak.

"Do you have any food around here? I'm starving," Cheez said, just as I decided.

Knowing his thoughts and actions, I decided upon a great feast for him. A great table appeared before him and on the table, a giant plate sat. The plate was piled high with only lettuce.

"No!! Not the salad," he screamed.

"This is enjoyable," I commented.

"You are an evil person," he said.

"When I choose to be, now I command that you eat it." Against his will, he began to eat the salad. He muttered curses as he continued to eat and I relished in his misery.

"Need, bacon," he uttered between bites.

"Your pain amuses me greatly. As such I shall provide you with a 10 meter sphere of bacon," as I said this, said sphere of bacon took the place of the salad.

"Bacon!" he exclaimed.

"Don't get too excited, you now forgot how to swallow," I replied evilly.

"NUUUU!" he screamed.

Dr. Phil looked on in curiosity. "Now how do you do these things?" he asked.

"I do what I do and that is what I do. If you lack the understanding of that then I order you to ride a pogo stick on the walls of this building."

"But that is physically impossible and there are no pogo sticks here."

"You don't understand do you? The lack of logic makes it true. I decree that the use of logic here shall be punished by the implantation of tiny beads of diamonds into your left shoe." The others seemed quite shocked by this.

"Where did Paris and Chuck go anyway?" the bad doctor asked.

"They are in the other room enjoying each others company in a way that I thought would be unfit for young readers to read."

"There wasn't another room in here though?"

"I reject your reality and substitute in my own. Since this is my reality, I can do that too. Therefore, the room does exist, and a chandelier is falling from the non existent ceiling and onto your big toe."

"Ouch! Why must these things keep happening to me?"

"Could someone help me here?" Cheez asked.

"Sure," Chuck said as he emerged from the room. He then walked over to the table and ate the entire sphere in one bite. Cheez began to cry.

"Now that you are all here once again, it is time for me to tell you why you are all here," I said.

"So you were responsible for this?" Paris questioned.

"Yes," I replied, "You have all had an experience lately of being trapped in the video game Tales of Symphonia, courtesy of me. Most of you realized where you were but one of you is a bit slow in the thinking department. I am going to return you there but this time, it will be for a much longer time."

"Wait so you are the reason for my worst day ever?" Paris asked. I admitted my guilt. "I swear, if he wasn't the best lover ever," she said pointing to Chuck, "then I would sue you for everything you own."

"I am unafraid," I replied, "anyway, you must work together to survive this experience. If I find it to my amusement, you will find yourself in unusual circumstances. Also, don't think your knowledge of the game will save you. I can choose to alter anything at any time."

"So what do we have to do to get out?" Phil asked.

"That is a good question. I would tell you if I knew. Actually I probably wouldn't but I still don't know," I answered.

"Don't you know everything?" Chuck questioned.

"That is beside the point. Anyway, you are going on a great adventure filled with action, peril and of course, random events. I wish you the strangest of luck, in your journey and I may or may not see you later." They vanished and I am alone, at least until I decided otherwise. I shall continue to watch and report their adventure even though I do not know what happens to them yet. Do not worry however, I shall come up with interesting ideas, but if anyone gives me better ideas, then they may very well befall these unlikely heroes.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: I find chapter titles are over rated.

Welcome one and all to the start of an epic adventure featuring some less then heroic heroes. I must make a disclaimer that, I do not own any of these characters nor the ToS world. These future events involve characters borrowed from several other fics and I do not own these either. For more precise disclaimers…

ToS story and characters owned by Namco

Dr. Phil owned by CBS or some other station

Paris Hilton owned by fashion industry

Cheez owns himself

Chuck Norris is too awesome to be owned.

Moreover, guest staring for this chapter.

Michelle from Tales of Yet another self-insert by whatsername427

Charlotte from two worlds combined by Venus Tenshi

And Stacy from Fallen Insert by Regal Bryant Lover

If any of these writers wish for me to alter or remove their characters roles in this story then I shall do so, since Stacy is the only one I have received permission to use. Now that is out of the way, time for some comedy. Bring in the dancing cheetos.

The four heroes found themselves traveling from Isalia to the Martel temple to receive the oracle. The path was relevantly easy even though there were some weak monsters do mainly to Chuck's ability to kill the weak with a glance. "This is so boring. I need a challenge," Chuck said.

"Well better then us being killed," Dr. Phil replied.

"I just want to find edible monsters," Cheez added.

"How about just going home? This is the most I have ever walked when shopping wasn't involved," Paris said.

"I think that is the second smart thing you have ever said," Chuck added.

"Oh what was the first?" she asked.

"Me being a good lover." Cheez got a disturbed look on his face, and Dr. Phil made a mental note to have them both on his show if they ever got home.

"Actually Chuck has a point," I insurrected, "This is too boring." The omnipresent voice surprised them. "Yes I can do a voice over because it is my story. I have decided for you to just skip this boring part, and instead you are going to fight a Desians base." The four were teleported into an entrance of the base.

"So how do we defeat them if most of us can't fight?" Dr. Phil asked.

"That would be a good question under normal circumstances, however, you should know better then to question my logic," I said. This quickly silences the overpaid doctor and then started investigating the base.

Once they entered the next room, they saw three teenage girls standing there who seemed quite confused. All three of them were armed. The shortest one had two manna firing guns at her side. The next one had bright pink hair and had a sword, a blue shirt and a green cape, and the last one had dirty blond hair and blue eyes and had twin blades at her side.

"Since you are going to be fighting a number of enemies today," I said, "I decided to bring some people to help. Charlotte is the short person with guns."

"Hey, I'm not that short."

"Yes you are and Michelle is the pink haired swordsman and Stacy is the duel swordsman. If any of you want to get back to where you came from, then you have to defeat the leader of this base."

"This is why I hate self inserts," Michelle said.

The seven of them entered the next room to be greeted by an army of about 50 chimeras. "This is bad," Charlotte said as she drew her guns.

"You guys know how to fight don't you?" Michelle asked as she and Stacy drew their blades.

"Well I can defend myself just fine but these weaklings can't fight their way out of a paper bag." Since the best part of self-inserts is throwing characters into battles with no clue what to do, Cheez and Paris were given weapons out of thin air. Cheez was given a frying pan, while Paris was given a supply of very sharp credit cards. Phil on the other hand, may or may not get out of here unharmed. They had no idea what to do with their weapons but hoped that they would be useful.

Stacy and Michelle used sword rain on the nearest monsters while Charlotte fired from afar. "Comet blast," Charlotte yelled as she built up her manna. A ball of fire slightly bigger then her fist formed at the tip of her gun. She released it and it killed one of the monsters.

Chuck was fighting in the other side of the room. He roundhouse kicked a monster, killing it. As another monsters approached him but Chuck pulled back his fist and prepared to punch it. "Falcon Punch!" he yelled as his flaming fist connected with the poor fiend. The creature was sent back at enormous speeds and crashed into several others sending about a dozen of the monsters through a wall and they kept flying until they were out of sight. Everyone looked at Chuck in amazement, and even he was surprised at the power.

Cheez ran up to a monster and hit it on the head with his frying pan but it did little damage. He jumped back when the monster swiped at him. Cheez then began chanting a spell, "Terrifying beast, transform into a tasty feast." The floor around the monsters turned into hot oil and the creature sank into it. A few seconds later, it rose out of it and the floor returned to normal. The chimera had been fried to a crisp golden brown.

Paris grabbed some of the credit cards and slashed the enemies with them. She then pulled several at and threw them at the enemies yelling "Price slash." The cards flew through several monsters turning them into chimera salami.

Dr. Phil just continued to run from the monsters while the more capable warriors had to save him.

Charlotte and Chuck finished of the last of the monsters and they briefly rested from the fight. Char cast first aid on the wounded members, being the only one that knew any healing magic. Once they were rested a force of about 20 Desians filed into the room. "Why am I the only one that can't defend himself?"

"Here, take one of my swords," Stacy said as she handed him one of her blades, "Don't worry they won't kill but just weaken the enemy." Dr. Phil charged at an enemy but instead of hitting him with the blade, it slipped out of his hands. The Desian picked it up and slashed the doctor several times in a way that resembled the start of Emil's devil's hellfire. (For those of you who don't know what that is, you tube is helpful) "It's a good thing those don't cause permanent harm," Stacy said as the doctor collapsed.

Char powered up her manna and used shockwave, sending a stream of lightning and light manna along the ground at the enemies. In the disruption, the others charged at the enemies. "Ninja arte, brick break," Stacy called as she and Chuck punched the same Desian in opposite sides of the face. Needless to say, that Desian did not live any longer. "High jump kick," Stacy called as she kicked another one up into the air where Chuck jumped into the air and roundhouse kicked him back into the ground. A four-foot crater was made by the impact.

Charlotte used her manna beam to fire a powerful stream of manna at a few more enemies while Michelle killed two more with circular fury. (Sorry I forget what that attack looks like and I do not feel like looking through 72 chapters to find it) Cheez deep-fried another three and Paris removed the head of one. The Desian force was quickly defeated with only one casualty. Overall good results.

"So Stacy," Chuck said putting a hand on her shoulder, "You and I make a good team. Once we get this over with, want to find a room somewhere and I will show you what real teamwork is like?"

Stacy was surprised by this proposal, "You are as perverted as that useless chosen. While you may be awesome at fighting, I wouldn't be caught dead being alone with you. Ask me something like that again and I will shove this sword where swords aren't meant to be shoved." Chuck was aghast at his first rejection in the past 3 years.

"Okay you people you can take a break," I interrupted, "Genis is cooking lunch in the room to the right."

"I am?" the silver haired mage appeared.

"Yes it is my story, so get to it. Don't worry you will get to see the entertainment when they have to fight real enemies next chapter."

"Sweet, I'll get cooking then." The team exited to eat, except for Dr. Phil who was still unconscious. Assuming the authors allow me to keep using their chars, there should be an entertaining battle. Sorry if there are typos but I want to get this up fast and I will fix them later.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: May or may not put one in.

I must apologize for that short lunch break, but the heroes need to eat.

_It was really, because you had to go to work, and that was the only time I have seen a lunch break take over two days._

"Wait, how did you get control of my keyboard?"

"You let me up here so I could watch the comical battle," Genis replied.

"Fair enough, but just sit there and enjoy the battle." And now to witness a series of epic, if not random, battles, the revelation of Chuck's one true weakness, and an important moral lesson.

"What! You have a moral lesson here? Who are you, and what have you done with tiger?" Genis asked.

"I will cause you immense amounts of pain," I said.

"You do that to me anyway in all of your fics."

"Not true, the first chapter of this you got through unharmed."

"Your saying seeing Chuck and Colette do it on the alter wasn't mental pain?"

"You might have a point there, there is a reason I wrote such a brief description, but you are forgetting about my three non ToS fics. You weren't harmed in those."

"That's because I wasn't in two of them, and the one I was, was only for a small part"

"But you weren't harmed in those,"

"Just get on with this story," Genis said, and I agreed.

_

The conscious heroes return to the room, and see Dr. Phil still unconscious on the floor.

"How much longer until he wakes up?" Michelle says. As if on cue, he rises from the ground, complaining about a bad headache. Stacy picked up her other blade of the ground and offered it to Dr. Phil again.

"No thank you," he replied, "I think I will find another way to get through the next battle. I just wish I had some food."

"Raine took over Genis' shift in the kitchen if you are interested," I said. With that, he quickly stopped complaining about hunger.

The doors opened and this time a much smaller force. Magnius walked through it carrying his large axe. Kvar came through wielding his staff. Lastly, Yuan came in with his sharp object that I don't know the name of.

"It's called a Swallow," Genis said.

Michelle, Charlotte, and Stacy were shocked and horrified at the grand cardinals respectively.

"Wait isn't Yuan a renegade instead of a Desian? It doesn't make any sense why he would be here?" Dr. Phil asked.

Glass could be heard shattering, from all around them, like my previous voice over comments. "You here that? That was me throwing sense, logic, and sanity out the window!" I yelled.

"It's true," Genis said, "Logic nearly hit me in the head."

Yuan then charged at them, but Stacy used her blades to block the attack. She then used her Twister cut attack, trying to break Yuan's guard by swinging all around her, but he held is weapon firm. Magnius charged was blocked by Chuck. The two attempted to attack each other with their axe and feet respectively, but all the attacks were either blocked or dodged.

Kvar was more subtle and snuck around attempting to catch them by surprise. Charlotte aimed her guns at him, but upon facing them, she froze in fear. "Charlotte," Michele called, "Don't just stand their, do something."

"It was so horrible what happened before," she said.

"Don't worry; you're not alone so let's kick his butt." Charlotte nodded and began firing a continues stream of manna bullets at him. Michelle ran to the side of the bullets and tried slashing him with his sword. He blocked the attack with his staff. Paris used price slash, but the attack was disintegrated by his lightning.

"My babies," Paris began to cry. Her sadness turned to anger as she pulled out new cards and ran at him, with a fury, no person alive or dead, deserves to see. After dodging several attacks and losing two fingers, Kvar stopped her by grabbing her face.

"Listen here girly, I don't know why you are doing this, but I know these people aren't really your friends. You are just being strung along. The most anyone cares about you is Chuck, and that's just because you are his love toy." This caused Paris to pause her attack for a moment. "Join me and help me defeat these pests, and I shall return you to your home, and you can continue to shop for as long as you want."

"Don't listen to her Paris," Charlotte screamed.

"Oh, you really want to fight me again? Do you want to experience the same pain of our last encounter?" Charlotte just became wide-eyed at the horrible memories. "That's what I thought. I can get you back to your home, and away from all this, if I choose. It's your choice, pain or home." She lowered her guns as she contemplated this.

"Deep fry!" Cheez yelled as he cast his spell. Kvar stepped back just in time to dodge the attack.

"Ah, my strange spell casting friend. Why do you fight me? Join me and you shall dine on nothing but the best foods this world has to offer. You would be amazed at the delicacies that I could present for you." Cheez slowly lowered his weapon. Michelle continued to slash at the cardinal, but was blocked by his staff. His lightning attack hit her and he smacked her with his staff, sending her to the ground.

"What are you people doing?" Dr. Phil interjected. "You are so rapped with fear and false promises that you are willing to let the enemy win. I don't know much about what is going on here, but I know that he is nothing but a fraud. He knows that we can beat him together. He is just playing of our wants and fears so we won't. Besides, we were sent here to defeat this base, and I think Tiger is the only one that could truly send us home."

"He's right," Charlotte said, as she overcame her fear, "I have been through this way too long to just look for the easy way out. I know Kvar relies on mental warfare, so if we rob him of that ability, then he is done." She cast first aid on Michelle and the two of them rose to take on the cardinal.

"Yeah," Paris said, "I've been led around by enough men, to know that they will say anything to get you to do what they want. Time for some payback."

"If he's lying about the food, then he is goanna pay," Cheez added. Cheez ran up to him and swung his pan, hitting him in the back of the head. The cardinal went to hit Cheez with his staff but Michelle blocked it with her blade. She then stabbed him several times with sword rain, while Paris hit him with a series of price slashes. Charlotte then learned a new tech and fired it at him. "Earth blast!" she yelled as she aimed a bullet for the ground right under him. The ground that was shot then burst up striking Kvar where men do not want to be struck. The once proud cardinal fell to the ground. Cheez then put him out of his misery with a deep fry.

Yuan and Stacy continued their battle, with neither one of them gaining an advantage. "Thunder explosion!" he called as he jumped into the air and fell to the ground. Stacy jumped back to avoid the blast but it still caught her as she struggled to remain on her feet. "Ninja arte, quick attack," she said as she crashed into him, sending him against the wall. Yuan froze for a second, giving Stacy the opportunity she needed. She used Star sweeper, slashing the enemy in the shape of a five-point start, ending with a duel thrust. The bloody target just smiled at her. She did not notice the aura of lightning energy around her. "Indignation," he said, as lightning came from all around her striking her. The self-proclaimed, number one fun girl of Regal Bryant fell unconscious.

"Stacy," Charlotte screamed as she ran over to Yuan. "You're gonna pay for that," she said, aiming her guns at her.

"We won't let you hurt one of us," Michelle said as she stood next to the gunman.

"Is gunman really the right term?" Genis asked.

"Not the right time to correct my grammar," I replied.

Cheez and Paris walked over to help the two. Charlotte thought of the first time she Yuan met, and wondered if this one would go as well. He was weakened so she thought they might stand a chance. "Hold him off while I try to heal her," she said.

Michelle nodded and ran at him with her blade. The healer reached Stacy and slowly began to cover her wounds with green manna. The burns from the attack covered her body but they slowly began to heal. Yuan was kept busy with the attempts to hold of the blade and credit cards that continuously threatened his well-being. Charlotte contemplated using the same trick that was used on Kvar, but Yuan hadn't been that hateful to her.

Do to the fact that this could continue for a very long time, and I feel like speeding it up, Charlotte suddenly learned cure and completely healed and revived Stacy. Sadly, the gunman will forget her knew healing power in the next 7 seconds.

Stacy rose and grabbed her blades. She set her sights on the blue haired enemy who had not yet noticed her awakening. She jumped and used Geo tempest slashing the enemy while falling from mid air, ending with slamming her swords down for a shock wave. Combined with the wounds from earlier, this ended her most hated enemy in the worlds.

Unlike Kvar and Yuan, who had been fighting for their lives and losing, Magnius had been having a in depth discussion of max bench press, hair styling, and an intellectual debate between the use of an axe or fighting unarmed. Magnius looked around and saw that his comrades had fallen. "Crap," he said, "Now I have to go back to killing these vermin."

"I wish you the best of luck in that," Chuck replied.

"And to you the best of luck returning home."

"Flame lance!" Magnius yelled as a pillar of flames came and struck all but Chuck, Phil, who has temporarily lost his doctor title so I can write faster, and Charlotte. The blast hurt them but they all staggered back to their feet. Cheez cast his deep fry spell, but to his surprise, Magnius did not try dodging it. Instead, he set the hot oil on fire. Once he returned from the emersion, Magnius himself was on fire, and more powerful then ever. "Die you pathetic vermin!" he said as he fired fire all around the room, setting a finely crafted drape on fire. The heroes were able to dodge the blast however. Phil was once again nearly set on fire, but his lack of hair saved him. The flaming cardinal then pointed his axe at Michelle and ran at her. She froze at the sight as painful memories flowed back to her. Paris thought fast for once in her life, and throw some cards at the floor in his path. Just as Paris planned, Magnius slipped and fell as his crashed into the wall. As he rose, he shot fire of in every direction, obviously not caring for the expensive fabric I used to construct this room.

The wounded heroes saw they needed to end this quickly. "I have one technique that should help us end this," Charlotte said, "Stacy let's try an unison attack." Stacy nodded, not really knowing what was coming. Charlotte powered up her most powerful attack, manna burst. All of her manna was concentrated in her guns. She realized the force, as it went over to Stacy's blades. Instinctively the swordsman know what to do. She ran up to Magnius as her blades were glowing with the manna. "Star of manna," she said as she executed her enhanced star sweeper. As the manna infused attack sliced through him, the fire that surrounded him dissipated. With the final thrust, the manna left the blades and traveled through the cardinal's body. The immense amount overwhelmed and killed the last of the three. Chuck just watched, not wanting to be in a battle where both sides were his friends.

While they were tiered, the heroes managed the defeat the three powerful foes. Charlotte walked up to Phil, saying, "Thank you for helping me return to my senses earlier. I have had some bad experiences with him before, and didn't want them to happen again." Cheez, Paris, and Michelle continued on thanking him as well.

The doctor replied, "I guess it goes to show that you don't have to have a weapon to be an important warrior, and that physical strength is only half the ba---" Phil was cut of by a sword being stabbed through his stomach.

Now that the moral lesson has been stated I shall end it for now. I am almost sorry, but the reader won't get to know who this stabbing person is until next chapter. Considering I will be dragging this out more, I shall continue to hold the characters that don't belong to me, against their will, for another chapter. This includes you Genis.

"You are an evil writer."

"Yes I am, but an evil writer that likes reviews."


	8. Chapter 8: Epic battle part 3

Chapter I don't remember the number: Epic battle part 3.1

And now, we conclude the infiltration of the Desian base.

"Knowing you it will take two more chapters," Genis said.

"I was on a deadline to post the last two so I had to put something up."

"And you're not this time?"

"Not the point, now to battling."

_

The newly emerged swordsman tossed the doctor of his blade and onto the ground. This is when Charlotte would normally rush over to heal him, but she had other things on her mind. She looked at the swordsman, with his majestic blue wings and silver armor, and her faced turned as red as a tomato. She faced him and said, "Kratos, what are you doing here!" She then said a quite colorful series of comments in his direction. She accompanied these statements with a variety of hand symbols. Normally, I would relay these words, but in this case, I don't want to have to raise the rating of the story. Kratos was unfazed by the vulgar comments, but the rest of the group was surprised. After about five minuets, she was out of breath.

"If you're quite done, Harrison, I believe you are here to fight me and not call me a fatherless child." That was all the invitation she needed. She grabbed her guns and fired a stream of bullets as fast as she could. If the triggers were any weaker, it would have snapped.

Chuck cracked his knuckles and began walking towards Kratos. "I hope you will give me more of a challenge this time.

"Ah, Chuck, I look forward to battle an opponent that I can go all out on," Kratos smiled.

"Wait," Genis interrupted, "How can this Kratos be the same one from the different fics?"

"In a similar way to how you have all your memories from my fics. Even though they take place completely different times and places, you still remember them. Basically, results of me throwing logic out the window."

The magic bullets did nothing to Kratos, but she continued firing relentlessly. I sure do find some crazy women for my story. Both Chuck and Kratos powered up their most powerful attack. The angel built up the culmination of all his magic into his sword. A strike with that would be like being hit with eruption, grave, air thrust, thunder blade, and judgment, all at the same time. Chuck focused his power in his fist. The falcon punch and unity blade hit and the power from the clash could be heard for thousands of miles. With the two destructive forces colliding, everyone but the two was thrown back into the wall, except for the unconscious doctor, who flew out the whole Chuck made earlier. Both Chuck and Kratos were amazed at the others power. "It takes more then some magic to beat me," Chuck said.

"And more then a punch to defeat me," Kratos replied. The angel had his back against the door he walked in earlier. Chuck charged at him, but the swordsman side stepped it and ran through the door. On the other side of the wall, Chuck was trapped in a cage. This was not a normal cage made of metal, this was a cage made of pure marshmallow. The one thing that Chuck Norris cannot break.

"Cheez, get me out of here," he said.

"By the way, it is lettuce flavored marshmallow," I said. Genis gave me a look that revealed confusion, dislike, but most of all, enjoyment.

Charlotte then tried using the same technique she used on Kvar. Only this time, with about two dozen bullets. Kratos took to the sky before she could rob Lloyd of any future siblings. He swooped down with his blade pointed at her. Before he could strike, Michelle blocked the attack. Stacy came and helped with her blades. Even against the three swords being swung at him, Kratos had little trouble deflecting them. Cheez tried hiding behind them and began casting his spell, but the angel saw it coming. He jumped into the air and ran his sword through his chest. Cheez fell to the ground.

"How do we beat someone that strong?" Charlotte asked.

"Yea, he dodges everything we throw at him, and when he strikes, there is no way to survive," Michelle said.

"I think I might know a way to use his strength against him," Stacy said. "If the three of you distract him, I think I know a way to beat him."

Paris, Michelle and Charlotte agreed. Michelle charged at him. He easily blocked the sword swung at him. "Ninja arte, teleport," Stacy said and she appeared right behind the angel. She used twister cut on Kratos, slightly hurting him. He then powered up super lightning blade and thrust it at her, just as she hoped. "Ninja arte, counter," she said right before the blade pierced her stomach. The pain of the attack hitting her, also hit Kratos. Only the counter attack packed twice the power of the original. Kratos fell backwards a few steps as he saw blood running out of his armor. Kratos quickly cast first aid to heal the wound, and was mostly back to normal. Stacy however, was out cold as blood continued flowing from her wound. Her death seemed certain. The remaining three stood terrified at the power they had just seen. Kratos set his sights on them next.

And with that, I leave you with another cliffhanger.

"How many chapters will this one take?" Genis asked

"Probably only one more."

"You said that last time too, and the time before that. Originally you only planned for the base to take one chapter too."

"You have a point there, but I never said I would stick to my plan."

"Couldn't you just finish writing this before you update?"

"Could, yes. Will, no"

"Won't there be a lot of typos with you updating so fast?"

"I'll fix those when I finish this tomorrow night."

"If you finish then."

"I promise I will. And if I don't then I shall have Regal come and whisk Stacy of her feet at the end of this part." Also for those who think I have these cut offs planned, you are wrong. Everything I write about this story in the story, is true to the best of my knowledge at the point it is written. I find it more comical to leave in my lack of knowledge, review please!


	9. Chapter 9: Epic ending

Chapter 9 I think: Epic finally

"You sure this will be the end?" Genis asked.

"Not entirely but it is my plan for now. Now on to the random fighting- ness."

_

They saw their target was beginning to weaken, but they also knew they were out matched. The four thousand year old angel could easily beat two teenagers and one who is mentally less then a teenager.

"We need some kind of plan," Michelle said.

"What will work on him though? I have fought along side him and I know how strong he is, especially in his angel form," Charlotte said. They looked and saw the bodies of Cheez and Stacy. Two strong fighters easily beaten by the angel. In the cell, Chuck was unconscious. It was amazing that someone that strong would have such a severe allergy to marshmallows.

"If you are done cowering, then I suggest that we end this." Kratos ran at the group. Charlotte fired wildly and Paris tossed numerous cards in his direction, but they merely bounced of him. After his blade clashed with Michelle's, he rose into the air.

"Aim for the wings," Michelle ordered. Charlotte fired several comet shots in his direction but he managed to dodge them. Paris was able to use the distraction to puncture his wing. Kratos winced at the pain, and did not notice the swordsman jumping up at him. She punctured his other wing and used the power of her sword arch to get above him, and slash his other. The two fell back to the ground, but he was wounded this time. She charged at him again, but the pain from his wings made her strikes harder to deflect.

"Michelle, combine our attacks for an unison attack." Charlotte powered up her shockwave, but instead of attacking with it, she sent the power of it to Michelle. Michelle used sword rain with the new power striking Kratos. Every strike sent manna through his body. Kratos fell to the ground. He would not allow himself to be beaten so easily. He rose once more and began chanting a spell. Feathers from his wings began drifting about.

"He's going to use judgment!" Char yelled. The three used any attack they could to stop the magic, but Kratos would not let that stop his attack. The pillars of light fell all around knocking out the remaining three. Kratos seemed content with the results and began to walk away.

He failed to worry about the ones he thought were no longer a threat. "Demon claw," he heard just before he felt a powerful slash across his back and turned to see his foe rose again. Her hands had turned into claws and her ears looked to be that of a wolf. She also possessed a tail and glared at him, wanting revenge from the lightning blade earlier. Stacy was once more ready to fight.

"Demonic breath," she said as a dark wind carried through out the room. The breath healed Cheez, Paris, Michelle, and Charlotte. The four rose and were ready to help finish of the angel. "Ninja arte, hyper beam!" Stacy yelled as she leapt into the air. In her claws, a massive wave of energy was building. "Everyone focus your magic into the attack." Charlotte used manna beam to combine her power with the blast. The combined force of hyper-beam struck Kratos head on and sent him flying back into the wall. He was barley hanging on to consciousness and was sitting on his knees. Stacy was completely drained from the attack and had to rest for a while until she could move. Cheez finished the fight with his deep fry spell. Tasty deep-fried Kratos anyone? Apparently, Genis did not find this as tasty as me, judging by him smacking himself in the face.

About a minute later, Dr. Phil came returning to the room. "How did you survive that?" Michelle asked.

"Somehow that massive blast healed me. It took me forever to come back here though." His eyes then turned to Stacy. "I can't believe I am seeing something like this," he said. Stacy was still recovering from hyper beam, so was unable to move or say anything for a few moments. "Cheez hand me your pan."

"Okay," he said. Cheez was confused by the strange request, but did as the doctor ordered. Dr. Phil walked over to Stacy, and hit her in the back of the head with the pan as hard as he could. The wolf lady fell unconscious.

"What did you do?" the others yelled in unison.

"I have heard about strange things like this before. A demon was infusing her with new powers, but at the cost of her body and soul. I don't know much about this, but I believe knocking her out should subdue the demon at least for now."

"How did you learn about this though?" Cheez asked.

"Well I was going to do a TV special soon on the topic. I first caught a glimpse of it with my mother-in-law though. I think it is too late to save her but hopefully I can spread the word to avoid future problems and hopefully save Stacy."

"So how do you cure it?" Michelle asked.

"I don't know."

"What about preventing it?" Charlotte asked next.

"I don't know."

"Then what do you know?" Cheez asked.

"Only what the producers tell me to read."

_

And with that, I shall release the unwilling participants back from whence they came. At least until I decide to use them again. "Yay!" Genis said.

"I could change my mind at any moment though." Genis was silent. Paris shall be sent to the mall, Cheez to his video games, and Dr. Phil to his studio. The three self-inserts shall be returned to their own story. All of them shall have no memory of these events unless they read this record. I feel like I'm forgetting something though.

"Me," Genis interrupted.

"Do I have to send you back?"

"Well, I enjoyed seeing these battles and winning arguments with the author, but I think just sitting here watching nothing will get boring."

"Fine." Genis shall be returned to the various fics I use him in, along with the cannon ToS world.

I now wish to thank the reader for reading this, and ask for any reviews. I want to send a bigger thanks to those who allowed, or at least didn't stop me from using their chars for this. If you wish to see more about the "stolen" characters, then go check out their fics.

Two worlds combined: Best fic on the site, in my and many others opinions, rivals the best professional

Tales of Yet Another Self Insert: More lighthearted and comical, but still near the top of the site

Fallen Insert: Also a great fic with an unique story that sets it apart from the many self inserts out there

Sorry if I'm not aloud to say this, but this is my thanks for giving me characters to make this great. I am also taking a short break from this to focus on the next part of a couple other fics. So don't panic if you don't see an update for a while on this.


	10. Chapter 10: Names

Tiger: I must apologize for the lack of updates for this, but writings that are more serious called my attention. Yes, I can be serious, when I want to be, which isn't now. This chapter finds another poor character ripped from their life and into my story. No one knows what shall befall this poor person that I do not own.

Dr. Phil: Well I always say that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. (Actual quote from the doctor)

Tiger: So, with what has happened so far, what do you predict?

Phil: Uhh *faints from mental strain*

Tiger: Story time then!

Chapter 10: Names

"The last time they saw me is the last time you will see me," the radio played. Man I love that song. Nothing better then driving down the highway listening to good music cranked up loud. Well there are a few things better, but this is still awesome. The lines along the side of the road just flew by. "Your speed: 97mph" a sign along the side of the road said. At this rate, I will be there in no time, as long as no cops see me, and with my police detector thing that beeps whenever cops get close, I'm home free. A quick glance beside the road, and I see a car with lights over head. I kick the floor of my car. Looking up I see the thing flashing and wondering why I couldn't here the beeping. Then it hit me, the radio was turned up to loud. I slam on the brakes as I pass the cop. Glancing in the mirror, I see him following me. Logically, I should just pull over, but I really don't want to pay the ticket. Maybe I could get away.

The gas pedal hit's the floor and the car speeds up. I have to be out of my mind, but this could work. I hope that this is a lazy cop that doesn't want any trouble. I keep going down the road, and of course, he keeps following me. Can't these cops just go eat doughnuts or stop a real crime? It's not as if I'm hurting anyone. I approach a turn and hope to lose him there. Still with the pedal to the metal, I turn the wheel. The car slams against the guardrail. Not the best way to turn but bouncing against the rail might help. Except I didn't bounce against it. I go through it.

The car travels a distance exceeding the remaining distance of solid ground. The car soon stops traveling on ground and begins traveling in air. Yes, you read that right, I DROVE MY CAR OF THE CLIFF! I begin attacking the breaks violently, banging my fists against the steering well and using a large number of words that are traditionally not uses in church. This was bad, really bad. Sissy will kill me when she hears about this; this is even worse then her driving her car in the river.

I look down and see the ground getting closer. I close my eyes and try pulling up on the wheel, expecting nothing. It feels like the car is stabilizing. I guess driving of a cliff did something to my sanity. I open up my eyes and get ready for my car to crash into the ground. I'm no longer in my car. Somehow, I am riding a flying machine. Normally I would ask what was going on, but I was flying and not crashing, so this is awesome!

Okay the machine had a gas and brake petal, along with a four way steering lever, simple enough. I saw some mountains below me. I don' think I'm in California anymore. Best plan now would be to land this thing. I started to press down in the lever, and started to descend. It was going too fast so I pulled back some. It kept going faster down though. I was heading toward the mountains. Not again! The strange vehicle crashed, throwing me several feet in the air.

I landed with my arm colliding against a rock and it didn't feel like my legs were on solid ground. I turned and saw the reason for this; my legs were dangling over the edge of the mountain. I quickly pulled my whole body onto solid ground.

I looked around surveying this bizarre situation. My vehicle was lodged between two large rocks. There were also several other similar machines all around the area. It appeared that they had all crashed though, just like mine. I rose to my feet and noticed that there were several other people on the mountaintop. I walked over to them.

"Hey guys, any of you know what just happened to me?" I asked. They turned and looked at me.

"Where did you come from?" A red clad swordsman asked.

I pointed at my crashed flying machine. "No clue beyond that crashed thing."

"He might be a renegade," A strange women in purple said. I have to say, she looked good in those clothes. "Although his attire is a bit strange."

"How is a white hoddie strange? One of you is head to toe in red, one of you has weird orange robes, one of you has a strange blue outfit, and how is that blond just floating there? Something is defiantly messed up here."

"Well if your not a renegade who are you?" the short boy in blue asked.

"You can call me Names," I said. They then introduced themselves as Lloyd, Genis, Raine, Sheena, and told me the strange floating chick is Colette. Then it hit me where I was. "HOW DID I GET INTO TALES OF SYMPHONIA?!" I screamed.

"Uh professor what's a symponica?" Lloyd asked.

"I believe he said Symphonia, but I have no idea," she said

"Names," Genis said, "Did you maybe hit your head on those rocks?"

"I really hope so," I responded. I hit my head on something hard and it's causing me hallucinations. In addition, if that isn't the case, then I am checking myself into the nearest mental hospital ASAP.

"Well we should get you of the mountain at least and take you to Meltokio with us then," Sheena said.

"Okay, thanks" I said trying to figure out how I got here. Raine came over and healed the scrape in my arm. The pain wasn't too bad compared to some other things I'd done, but I don't want to fall off another mountain do to some dumb injury.

We walked down the path toward the bottom of the mountain. The path seemed safe, but I still watched every step I took. This seemed simple enough. That was until, monsters blocked our path. The five readied their weapons. I was near the back of the row with Genis. "You can fight can't you?" he asked.

"Uh, not really," I said. Suddenly thoughts of fighting came to mind and I pulled the weapon from nowhere. "Actually yea," I said.

_

Therefore, this is where I leave of for the night. Names is one of my friends who is a new member to the site, so I'm sure he will see this. I need a good weapon for him though so if anyone has any suggestions for it, please tell me. Also I have decided that any suggestion you put in a review I will somehow use next chapter. I may warp it slightly, but I need more random thoughts.


	11. Chapter 11: Names, Tiger, and randomness

Chapter 11: Names, Tiger, randomness, and probably typos

Everyone, including myself, was surprised when out of nowhere I pulled out a chain saw. It started up by itself, and I knew that this would be fun. I ran up to a bear who swiped at me with his claw. The claws harmlessly deflected against my weapon, and I sliced the bear's top half of and it flew down the mountain. Sheena sent the lower half down as well. The four of them that were not zombie like gave me strange looks. "I know as much about this as you," I said, turning the saw off.

"Normal people can't just pull a weapon out of thin air," Raine said.

"I never claimed to be normal. Normal people don't randomly appear on a Rheaird and fall out of the sky. Besides, Colette pulls her spinney things from no where."

"She is the chosen, so she can do that. You on the other hand appear to be just a normal human."

"Well, clearly I'm not. Let's just go to Meltokio and see what we can learn," I replied. I contemplated turning this saw back on and removing an arm from the professor, but decided that would not be a good idea.

The remainder of the path down the mountain was fairly uneventful. A couple monsters tried attacking us, but with my awesome abilities with this saw, they stood no chance. I guess those other people helped some too. We finally reached to bottom of the mountain, and I was way too tired. I was glad to be able to rest and then we could continue later. Of course, this didn't happen though. We still had to walk all the way to Meltokio! This heavy saw didn't help any! Have any of you carried a twenty-pound chain saw down a mountain? It ain't easy, that's for sure.

We gazed of in the distance and Lloyd said he thought he saw Meltokio. Lloyd and I ran of in the direction on this city, him wanting to see the world, and me, just wanting to get this trip over with. We stopped abruptly when we heard Sheena's voice, "Guys, you are going in the wrong direction." Lloyd will be lucky to be alive once I am done with him. We hurried back and started walking in the opposite direction. I need rest, my legs were not meant to walk this much, the saw is not fun to carry around everywhere, and I am going to painfully kill whoever put me here!

After much time of walking and complaining, we finally reached Meltokio. I may not have had a perfect memory of the game, but I remembered where the inn was. I ran in there to book a room. "I'll take the room closest to this spot please."

"That will be 100 gald please," he responded.

I handed him my credit card, and he was quite confused. "I'm sorry sir; we don't take this type of money." That is when I lost it.

"Listen here! I just walked from the Fuji Mountains, to Meltokio after driving my car off a cliff and crashing into the mountain! Now you will give me a room or else!" I yelled as I turned my saw on. I think he just soiled himself as he just stood there shaking.

"F-first one o-on the lef-t si-ir." He stammered.

"Thank you," I said turning off my weapon of death. I walked down the hallway to the room. It was locked. I could just walk back to the desk and get the key, but I didn't have time. I used the saw to cut the hinges of the door and pushed it down. Good night world, see you when I haven't walked dozens of miles in a day.

_

I awoke and saw that the door was back in place and it looked like the sun had set and risen in the time I slept. Sleep was good, but getting back to my world would be better. I stumbled awake and tripped over a soft object. I fell over and landed on a very lumpy floor. "Get off me," the lump said. Either I have gone to a new level of insanity, and now think the floor is talking to me, or I landed on Genis. With the recent events, I'm not really sure.

"Sorry bout that," I said as I rose to my feet again.

"That's fine."

"What are you doing here anyway?"

"Well we wanted to keep an eye on you in case you were dangerous, so the inn keeper let us stay in here if we fixed the door."

"So you watch me by sleeping?"

"Well Lloyd was supposed to be awake during the second shift." We both turned and saw the swordsman sleeping standing up, with his head against the wall. Genis grabbed his shoe and prepared to throw it at him. I stopped him by grabbing his hand.

"I have a better idea," I said as I walked over to him. Normally I would be sneaking, but with Lloyd, I didn't have to. I picked up the saw, and swung the blunt end at his head. Genis' eyes widened as he saw his friend tumble along the ground.

"What was that for?" the sleepy guard asked.

"Sleeping on the job. At least I don't sleep when I guard things."

"Was that necessary?" Genis asked.

Honestly, that might have been a bit overboard, but it was fun. "Someone who can sleep that easily standing up, sometimes needs a rude awakening." Lloyd rubbed his head and Genis nodded. We then exited the room, met with Raine and Colette and continued on our way to the castle.

We reached the steps that lead to the upper district, and there were way too many. Might as well get it over with. I challenged Lloyd to a race to the top. We ran, and I saw Lloyd was beating me. If you can't out run someone then outsmart him, and in Lloyd's case that wouldn't be hard. "Lloyd your shoe is untied," I said. He looked down while he continued to run. He tripped and fell up the next five stairs. I passed him though and beat him by barley two steps.

Once he caught up to me, he looked down to tie his shoes. "My shoes weren't untied," he said looking back up at me.

"Oh sorry, must have been a trick of the light," I lied.

"Oh, okay," Lloyd said. Genis and Raine resisted laughing at their friend while Colette just floated their like she always does. She really creeps me out.

We then continued on our way to the castle until we met up with a certain red haired chosen. "Why hello my cool beauty," he said walking up to Raine. "And who might you be my angel," he said turning to Colette. As he went to place his hand on her, she grabbed it and flung him through the air. I'm starting to like Colette's weird angel form now. "That was a surprise," he said as he landed on his feet. His collection of noble women checked to make sure he was unharmed. Those chicks really need to pick better men.

"Chosen," another girl said as she walked down the stairs.

"Oh, I don't remember seeing you before," he said. The girl walked down the stairs with two swords at her sides along with dirty blond hair and blue eyes.

"You unfaithful chosen," he said walking toward him. Strange, I thought Sheena was the only one who treated him like this. This girl ain't even hot like she was. I then saw that Sheena was a lot less violent then this new person. She walked over to Zelos, pulled out a claw gantlet thing-a-magigers, and began beating him upside the head with it. I considered going to help him, but I enjoyed him being in pain, and I know better then to mess with a crazy women who is enjoying someone else's pain. After a few moments of pummeling Zelos into a pudding like form, she stopped. Zelos said something resembling ouch, but it was hard to tell.

"Happy now Stacy?" another person said, as he walked down the stairs.

"Yea, that was fun," the violent woman responded.

"Okay, Regal should be in the coliseum so you should be able to see him," the man said.

"Awesome," she said as she ran in the direction of the coliseum. I defiantly didn't remember those events occurring in the game.

"W-what are you doing here?" Genis asked this new person with violent friends.

"Wait, you remember me?" he responded.

"Yea, I thought I was through with you Tiger."

"You know this person?" Raine asked.

"Why didn't you lose your memory like the rest?" Tiger asked.

"You must have forgotten to wipe my memory. You can be quite forgetful," Genis said. I seriously don't remember those last set of events happening at all in the game. When I glanced back of to Tiger, he was reading from a laptop.

"Well I guess I did leave that part out. Whoops," he said as he set the laptop down and it vanished.

"So who are you anyway?" I asked.

"My name is Tiger, but you might know me as something else." Okay, this person is weird.

"Were you with that crazy chick?"

"Yes, I am also the one responsible for you coming here." Now he's dead. I turned on my saw and prepared to charge at him.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Genis said. I ignored the warnings and ran at him. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my hands. I looked and saw I was holding the saw blade and it hurt. Remember that saw blades plus skin equal more pain then you would guess. I dropped the weapon, uttered a number of words that the writer does not wish to repeat, and saw blood fall to the ground.

Raine came over and healed the wounds. "How did that happen?" I asked.

"Never attack me or weird things will happen," Tiger said. "Anyway, that lesson won't take more then one time to learn, so I have come to tell you why I brought you here."

"And that is?" I asked. This guy will have his internal organs rearranged if I have my way.

"Well let's see if you can figure it out," he said as a strange cage appeared behind him. He walked away from it and I could see a man made of win was in it. He was unconscious and the bars of the cage appeared to be made of marshmallow. This keeps getting weirder and weirder. "I bet no one realized I kept Chuck in here all this time. I laugh at those people now."

"So what is going on here?" Lloyd asked.

"Well Names has some important things to do. Some of you may also be needed. If you cooperate I will cure Colette for you."

"You know how to cure her?" Raine asked.

"In simplest terms yea," Tiger responded.

"Please help her," Lloyd said.

"I don't know if we can trust him," Genis said. I had to agree with him. After all, some random person promising to cure Colette. I remember in the game nothing came that easy.

"It seems too convenient for him to just come out of no where and promise to help us."

"Well you did the same thing," Raine said.

"So I suppose you want to know what you must do," the stranger said.

"What do you have planned this time?" Genis asked. The mage seemed afraid of Tiger for some reason. Was there something he knew that the rest of us didn't? I didn't remember anything at all like this happening in the game, so how could only Genis know about this person? Maybe once he explained himself, it would make sense.

"A journey that you must go on."

"Any details?" Genis asked.

"Nope for two reasons. One, I find that building suspense is a lot of fun and a lot of people do it so this is my way of getting back at them, and two, I have absolutely no idea myself. Maybe I will get some soon." I'm starting to think I'm not the only one who needs to take a trip to the mental hospital.


	12. Inferno: prologue

Inferno: prologue

Tiger then suddenly disappeared from before my eyes. All of us were confused at this. "Get away from my computer!"

"Tiger, I am trying to tell the story."

"Not any more." *glass shattering* Sorry about that dear friends, but the rest of Names' story must wait since he is now being treated for injuries related to falling out a window. Now I am sure you are wondering what unique events befall the heroes, so without further ado.

"How does he just disappear like that?" Raine asked.

"When dealing with him, it is best not to ask questions," Genis said.

"How do you know him anyway?" Lloyd asked.

"Long and entertaining story," I said as I appeared in front of them again, "That story must wait for another time. You see, there is a great evil afoot, greater then cruxis or the angels or anything like that, and I need your help to defeat it."

"What is it?" Raine asked.

"I don't care about you," I stated, "Go study the temple of darkness with Colette while I explain the situation."

Raine had no time to response when a large bear jumped out from the castle and carried the professor and the angel off to the temple.

"To put things simply, I need to assemble a team to journey with me into a fearsome dungeon. Lloyd and Genis, both of you pick one person that I have forced into this world to travel with us."

"Well, Names is the only one that I have met, so I guess he is my choice," Lloyd said.

"Wait, what am I doing?" Names questioned. He then suddenly lost the ability to speak until I decide otherwise.

"Hm," Genis thought. "Wouldn't Chuck be a good choice?"

"Sure, but his marshmallow reaction will last for at least 3 weeks after he is released from that cage."

Genis carefully contemplated his choice. "I think Stacy would be good. She isn't a complete idiot, and I don't think she will eat everything we have. She also seemed to have better techniques then a lot of the others."

"Good choice." Stacy found herself being pulled away from the cell with Regal. She held onto Regal's muscles as hard as possible, eventually dragging him through the air with her. The two landed in front of us.

"NO NO NO NO NO, I'm not leaving Regal!" she said.

"Fine he can come too," I said. Stacy was so happy she let loose a high-pitched scream that could be heard all the way back in Sylvarant. "So accompanying the great Tiger, we have the great swordsman Lloyd, awesome magic person, Genis, martial art expert Regal, explosive expert Names, and random crazy Canadian Stacy. Now I must take care of one slight thing before we leave." I once again vanished from their sight.

I have a slight problem with this, I need to travel but still narrate the story with the sarcastic tone that everyone loves. "I could do it for you and stay here while you go on the journey," Genis offered.

"You're not getting out of it that easily. How did you get up here anyway?"

"You gave me the key so I could watch the fight from last time."

"I have an idea. Now don't do anything to my story while I go to get the thing."

Tiger goes to his closet to find some kind of object. He throws random object out of it including a football, a gallon of expired milk, a pint of hydrochloric acid, homework from two years ago, and a large metal object. I think Tiger might me less organized then Lloyd.

"Give me my keyboard back. Thank you for not making me throw you out the window too." Now I introduce to my lovely readers, my tiger-bot. He shall stay up here and narrate the story while I travel with the others. His programming will make it almost like there are two of me. I now leave the story in your capable hands Tiger-bot.

Beep-boop, yes master. Tiger carries Genis out of the author room and they both appear in front of the others again. Tiger uses his awesome power to open up the portal and the six of them walk into it. It dropped them into a dark and dreary dungeon, where they would face scarier sites then anything they could imagine. Only be facing their fears, would they be able to get out alive.

My great master wishes for me to relay several messages for him. One. He loves reviews of any kind and has promised to utilize any idea he gets for this story that is in a review. It may be twisted slightly, but that shows how much he likes reviews. Two. Tiger only owns himself and me. ToS people are owned by Namco and Names is a person that gave permission to be used. Stacy is a person/character that also gave permission. Three. This part will be a bit longer then the others so should it be made into a separate story? The next chapter will be written when the lazy writer gets around to it but hopefully soon, and it should be longer.


	13. Inferno: chap 1: Gates of doom

Inferno chap 1: (evil voice) THE GATE OF DOOM!

The six unusual people journeyed down the dark path. It was illuminated only by torches along the walls.

"Where are we going?" Genis asked.

"Down a path that will lead to the most terrible sights we have ever seen," Tiger explained. "There are about 9 layers, and in each layer, we must defeat a powerful evil. That is why I brought you to help me; I can not do it on my own."

"You brought us here but not even you can beat it?" Stacy asked.

"Sadly that is the case."

"So what do we do here?" Names said.

"At each layer we must kill the leader along with the army. I will tell you that many of the foes are unlike anything you have faced before."

"So, we will just cut them down," Lloyd said.

"I like that plan," Names added.

"You can't run into every battle and hope to overpower your foe," Genis said.

"Yea, you don't have enough power. Now if you were me, then your plan would work fine," Tiger said.

"Didn't you just say you weren't strong enough?" Genis asked logically.

"This is no place for your logic," I corrected.

"Not to be rude," Regal said, "But could someone please inform me of where we are going."

"Oh Regal, I love how polite you are," Stacy said. Regal seemed slightly freighted by her. Tiger decided to use his powers to give Regal a full understanding of the situation, or at least, as full as the others had.

They continued on the long winding path until they reached a large gate that blocked their way. The gate was made of pure gold and on it had bright red inscriptions. However as they began to read it, they discovered that much of the inscription had been covered with graffiti. "If Raine was here, she would kill who ever did this," Genis said. Only bits and pieces could be made out that include, "city of woe", "forsaken people", and the final line: ABANDON ALL HOPE ALL WHO ENTER HERE.

"Is it wise to enter with that type of warning?" Regal asked.

"Yea, I'm with him on this," Genis agreed.

"Come on what is the worst that could happen?" Names asked.

"Don't worry it's not like…" Tiger paused for a second, "Well things might turn out alright if we are lucky."

"So why are we doing this?" Genis said.

"Because I said so!" Tiger replied as he went forward to push the doors open. The gates roared as they opened, reviling another dark and foreboding path.

"This is getting boring," Lloyd said.

"Don't worry things will get exciting soon," Tiger said.

"Why doesn't that make me feel better?" Genis said, fearful of what Tiger would find exciting.

_

Since these chapters seem too short, I thought I would add some of the skits like the game. If the game can make them funny, then imagine what I can do with them. *Evil laugh*

"So Genis, what are you doing?"

"Oh, hi Stacy, just making lunch."

"Want me to help?"

"No thanks, on our journey we learned that experimenting with cooking could cause problems."

"I'm not as bad as Raine."

"Well if you insist."

A few minuets later, Stacy goes to give the food to the rest of the group.

"Stacy, this looks delectable," Regal says. Stacy faints from the complement, spilling food everywhere.

_

This is even shorter than the last one, but with the coming battles, expect more epic chapters. Reviews would be nice and I do not own anything related to old literature.


	14. Inferno chap 2: no title needed

Inferno chapter 2:

They continued to wonder down the endless path with much complaining from certain members of the group. The never-ending pattern on the walls made it seem like they were just wondering in circles. Tiger assured them that they were going to be their soon, but Tiger would be the person to make them wonder aimlessly.

Finally, the path began to open up before them. Instead of the narrow hallway, it opened up into a large circular room. "This is where we face our first opponent, beware," Tiger instructed. The others readied their weapons.

In the middle of the room, they noticed a battle already talking place. One was in heavy armor and wielded duel axes. The other possessed no armor, and was using unorthodox weapons.

"What is Cheez doing here?" Stacy asked seeing the food-obsessed warrior fighting the expert warrior.

"Oh, hi Stacy," he said noticing her, "Mind giving me a hand with this guy."

"Sure, but why are you fighting with a chicken leg?"

"He ate the rest of the chicken so now I'm getting revenge."

"Beware the first foe, Commander Bear of the Canadian Vegan Cannibal Legion," Tiger said.

"He doesn't look so tough," Lloyd said charging at Bear.

The swords and Axes collided and Bear's immense strength sent Lloyd back. "Wow, this guy is strong."

"No one said it would be easy," Genis said as he began casing a spell. Stacy and Regal charged into the fight, with claws and feet respectively. Names powered up his chain saw and ran at them. Bear saw he was outnumbered, so he called for help. Out of the walls and floor appeared an army of zombies.

Tiger just stayed back with Genis observing the power. "You going to help us or just stand there?"

"Don't worry Genis, I have something planned."

"That makes me worry more."

The battle raged with Lloyd trying to hold of Bear's powerful strikes. The others tried advancing toward them but the zombies made if difficult. Stacy slammed into one them with a dragon claw while Regal blew several away with his white wolf. Names sliced an arm off one with his saw. The zombies quickly recovered from the attack as if nothing had happened, even the one regenerated its arm.

"You fools can not defeat these zombies. Only a stab through their heart can end them," Bear said.

"We'll see about that," Genis said. He finished the casting of cyclone, and as he cast it, absolutely nothing happened. "What's going on here?"

"I guess this is what happens when you have memories and knowledge of things that hasn't happened yet," Tiger said. In his unparalleled benevolence, Tiger gave Genis the power to cast all the spells he had remembered.

Cheez continued to fend of the zombies with his chicken leg, until one of them sliced it in half. Not even a zombie deserves the fate that anyone who destroys Cheez' food will endure. Out of nowhere, he pulled out a laser. This was not just any laser, it was a Spartan laser. The zombie had a red dot on its chest, but thought nothing. "I'm a firing meh lazah!" Cheez screamed. Five seconds after the dot appeared it was followed by a powerful stream of energy that completely destroyed the zombie. Not a single particle remained unvaporized. With Cheez now wielding the weapon from Halo with the most raw power, the heroes might stand a chance.

Genis cast explosion vaporizing a few more. While Lloyd and Names stabbed several others in the heart. Regal killed a few into Stacy's claws to kill them. The zombies still had the upper hand however, until Tiger made his move.

Tiger took a few steps forward and pulled out something that looked like a pellet gun. He took aim and fired a very small sphere into the crowd. It bounced harmlessly into the middle of the group. Genis gave Tiger a strange look. "Just cover your ears, Genis." He did as he was told. Suddenly the minuscule sphere exploded into a massive ball of fire and smoke that soon took the shape of a mushroom. The force completely destroyed any zombie with in a large radius, but the heroes were unhurt, due to Tiger's protection.

The king of awesomeness received strange looks from everyone in the room. Names was the first to gain the courage to speak. "Was that a nuclear explosion?"

"I won't deny it."

"A munucleair what?" Lloyd asked.

"An explosion that derives its power from the fusion or fission of atoms," Genis responded.

"When did you learn that?" Tiger asked.

"I get bored when you pause a battle for days so you can do things."

The rest of the fighters vanquished the rest of the monsters leaving only Bear left in the center of the room.

"So you think you have won?" Bear said. The axmen charged at Lloyd again, who stepped back to block the attack while Names came from beside him, but Bear used an axe to block the saw. Stacy attacked his other side forcing him to block with his other axe. Bear realized he ran out of axes before he ran out of opponents. Cheez decided this was a good time for revenge. Tiger used his mind freeze attack, keeping Bear from moving until five seconds after a certain red dot appeared on him.

"You think you can out smart me?" Cheez said calmly, "Maybe, but I have yet to meet man that can out smart laser." The attack fired and Bear became a thing of a past. The team healed their wounds and continued down the pathway to even scarier and stranger foes.

_

More random scenes. If you have a request, please mail it in a self-addressed envelope to, tiger's email some place that can be reached by review. I know this format is not normally permitted, but I think it will all right for one short scene. If not, please tell me before reporting.

Cheez: I'm so hungry.

Lloyd: Yea, I feel like I could eat a building.

Tiger: I forgot to eat breakfast so my stomach is killing me.

L: Bet I can still eat more then you.

T: Do I hear a challenge?

C: Food and lots of it sounds good to me.

A large plate of their favorite foods piled several feet high was placed in front of them. The winner of the contest would be whoever could finish first.

One hour later

T: Remind me to never do that again, until tomorrow.

C: I am almost full.

Lloyd is fast asleep with his head on a clean plate.

Genis: So who won?

T: I don't know, I was too obsessed with enjoying the food.

C: That was a contest?

G: Well we were all too horrified by your eating speed we didn't notice who won, and I bet Lloyd will forget what happened when he wakes up.

T: Rematch later then?

C: As long as it involves eating again.

Disclaimer: In addition to everything else I don't own, Bear is not mine either, nor are Spartan Lasers.


	15. Inferno chap 3: Burning Kittens

Inferno chap 3: Burning kittens.

Disclaimer: I do not condone animal torture nor do I own any of these new characters.

I have noticed the lack of celebrity guest stars in the past several chapters, so I felt it was time to fix it. I thought about doing something like inviting another famous American, but then randomness struck me again. There is some royal character basing here so enjoy.

_

The team continued in yet another endless hallway. While they traveled, they contemplated ways to hurt the decorator for his lack of originality in design. That is when Tiger conveniently made it so he would not be linked to it.

Once again, the room opened up to reveal another warrior in the middle of the room. She sat on a throne and had a beautiful white cat on her lap. She had long flowing orange hair and wore light armor.

"Beware, the second guardian," Tiger warned, "She goes by many names, so it is hard to identify her under a single one. For now, just call her Lexi."

"Come my kittens and taste the thrill of battle," she said.

"You won't be enjoying it so much once we beat you," Names said.

"Oh, I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to them," she said as the walls opened and giant flaming robotic kittens ran into the room. The cat in her lap jumped onto the floor and transformed into a white tiger, not to be confused with Tiger. Lexi hopped onto the tiger and grabbed her staff saying, "Come my dear, let's show them what we are made of.

"Now things are just getting weird," Stacy said.

"And nothing else that has happened is weird?" Tiger said, "You must be crazier then I thought."

The heroes readied their weapons and prepared to do battle with Lexi and her cats of various kinds. At first, they did not notice two more people entering from the same place the robots did.

"My lady, I assure you, that we just need to take a left here, and then another right, and we will be right back at the beginning." The first said as he led her along the hallway. He was dressed in a suit and appeared to be the opposite of young.

"And I assure you that you are using a map of the mall instead of our escape tunnels." She followed him as he hopelessly led the way. She wore a white dress and had short white hair. Her many wrinkles indicated her old age.

"I think that would indicate we are slightly lost," he said as they entered the room.

"Prince Phillip, I believe, you are an idiot."

"Hey who are you people?" Genis called from across the room.

"Mind your manners little boy," she corrected.

"What are you, the queen of England?" Names yelled.

"Yes, I am. Queen Elizabeth Alexandria Mary the second, at your service. Now would someone please explain to me where we are?"

"We are busy right now," Lloyd said as he ran by her being chased by one of the flaming cats.

"This is an odd situation," Phillip stated. The English royals stood back while the epic battle of good and evil took place.

The robotic cats stood almost 15 feet in height and normal attacks just bounced of them.

Regal ran at one of them and kicked it in the face, but it only made a small dent. The cat countered with a flaming claw that struck Regal in the chest. The blue haired warrior fell to the ground and blood seeped out from the wound. Stacy was aghast that her hero was in pain so she rushed over immediately to heal him. She used recover on his wounds and he was soon ready to continue fighting.

Stacy would have revenge on the cat for doing that to her idol. The crazy swordsman tried slicing through the cat, but nothing happened. Since it was a robot, her blades could not drain the manna as they normally would. "My blades won't work on these machines," she said as she started to panic. The cat swiped her blades away and knocked her onto her back. It swiped down, about to end the young warrior, until a powerful beam of energy knocked it away. She looked up and saw her muscular hero standing over her. "I thought you would never use your hands to fight."

"I said I would never use them as tools of death again. However, that is a machine and not alive, and it was to save you."

"Regal, you are my hero."

Genis cast thunder blade on a robot short-circuiting it and destroying it. Tiger stood before him fending of anything that came after them. Instead of using his gun from before, Tiger used Titanium knuckles. "Why don't you just blow them up like last time?"

"Two reasons. A. This is more fun. B. Nuclear explosions are only funny so many times, and Q. This is a good way to release my anger," Tiger said as he gave a cat a powerful upper cut. Genis did not feel like correcting all the flaws in Tigers argument or math.

The battle continued with both sides injuring the other. Spells, metal, and random love seats kept colliding across the room, until only Lexi and her tiger remained on her side. The heroes had done better. The only somewhat severe injury is when Names and Lloyd head butted each other during a failed unison attack. They will regain consciousness shortly.

"Just because you can handle a few little animals doesn't mean you can beat me," Lexi said. She them summoned three large golems out of the ground. They did not last long with Cheez lasering one of them, Genis meteor storming another, and Tiger causing one to undergo nuclear fission.

Lexi saw an opening though and went after the queen. Her tiger slashed at her, but had bad aim and hit Phillip instead. Genis hit Lexi away with air blade before she could further harm the royal family. "Well Phillip, I guess you won't be getting me lost anymore. Oh well, he was getting kind of old anyway."

Stacy charged at Lexi and concentrated manna into her gloves. "Ghostly, Metal Dragon!" she called as she equipped her claws and they became infused with the hardness of metal, the sharpness of dragon's claws, along with dark energy. The attack hit Lexi in the chest and she fell off her mount. To Stacy's surprise, she felt a sudden pain in her chest, followed by blood flowing down her shirt. She soon fainted from the pain and blood loss, along with possible other injuries.

"Wow, this battle is not going well," Tiger said, sounding serious for once.

"Can't you do something to stop her?" Genis asked. Tiger ran over to Stacy and began making up healing spells to keep her alive. Lexi cast healing magic on her self and explained the reflection magic she cast on herself seconds before Stacy made contact. Regal launched a furious series of kicks against Lexi, but she blocked them with her staff. Her tiger soon pinned Regal's leg to the ground. Lexi pointed her staff at him and began casting a spell. Before she could finish casting, Genis hit her with flame lance, knocking her back and saving Regal. Cheez aimed his laser at her and began charging it.

She could tell what was coming and jumped out of the way before she was hit. Her tiger was not so lucky. Lexi was slightly distracted by a tapping on her shoulder. "Excuse me, nutzo, but I believe that this behavior is unacceptable," the queen told her. Lexi began chanting a spell to rid herself of the annoying royal, but did not notice the red dot on her again. Five seconds later, the queen was talking to a beam of energy and the fight was over.

_

Cheez forced me to use the laser to end the fight again. This battle I did not think would be that difficult, but shows what I know. Random scene time.

Genis: Hey Tiger, what are you doing?

Tiger: My math homework, going on an adventure like this doesn't mean I get out of school. This problem is really confusing too.

Lloyd: It hurts my head just looking at it. I don't even recognize half these letters.

Genis: This one is easy though. The answer is one.

Tiger: How do you know that?"

Genis explains complex math formulas.

Tiger: I can't believe I was outsmarted by a 12 year old.

Lloyd: Happens to me all the time.


	16. Inferno chap 4: A True Hero

Once again the heroes found themselves walking down a winding pathway that seemed to lead to nowhere. They had been traveling for weeks do to their guide being busy with other things so he could do nothing to relay their adventures and he would be heart-broken to disappoint his ravenous fans.

"How long have we been walking?" Lloyd complained.

"Thirteen days," Genis responded.

"Why is this place so long?" Names whined.

"Blame the person who built it," Tiger said.

"But isn't that you?" Genis asked.

"I thought I made it so I wouldn't be linked."

"No, you only made it so you wouldn't be linked to the lack of design, not the too long of path," Stacy said using Tiger's laptop.

"Don't make me duct tape you to the wall," Tiger threatened. The hero of awesomeness pulled a roll of tape out of nowhere, taped Genis' mouth shut, and began chasing Stacy down the hall. She ran under a doorway, and as Tiger pursued her, he hit his head on the entrance. The rest of the team walked under the doorway without any problems.

"This doorway is too small!" Tiger yelled.

"Maybe you are just too tall?" Cheez suggested.

"Blame the author!" Tiger said.

"That's you," Genis said after painfully removing the tape.

"Beside the point," Tiger countered.

In their frivolous arguing, they did not notice the enemy awaiting them in the room. There he stood. Green hair and a gray suit, wielding a large yoyo in each hand. His eyes glanced at the heroes anticipating the fight that was to come. His desire was to be the best, so he would fight. All of his time honing his skills and making the best weapons possible would pay of here. The question was, would he win?

"Aren't you going to introduce me like you did the other people?" the person asked.

"I suppose I could," Tiger said. "Behold, the great and powerful yoyo fighter, Duck. His ruthless drive for power has led him to take any and all means to become stronger. In some ways, he is even stronger than me. Take care when battling him."

"Thank you, now prepare to die."

"No army of some bizarre creatures we have to beat?" Genis asked.

"Oh thanks, I forgot." Duck whistled and a runt of a dog came running into the room carrying a stick. The heroes were confused by this until the dog started shaking the stick and strange lights came from it and surrounded Duck. "Thanks for the buffs Evie," Duck patted the dog on the head, and with new power, set his sights on his foes.

"Tiger, you shall be the first to feel my wrath," he said pulling an object out of his suit. This object struck fear and terror deep within Tiger's heart. "That's right; you hit me in the head with this when you threw it out your window. Now, taste logic!" Duck threw logic as hard as he could right at Tiger.

There was only one way that he could defend against something like this. He held up his pistol and fired at logic. Upon collision with the fearsome object, a cataclysmic nuclear reaction took place, stopping the attack. However, only logic was destroyed by the blast.

"Shouldn't there be more destruction from that?" Stacy asked.

"Logically, yes," Tiger responded, "But I just nuked logic."

Duck then charged at the team, with a speed that surprised all of them. Lloyd was near the front line, so he became the first target. The swordsman tried blocked the yoyo heading for his face, but Duck wound the string around the sword and yanked it out of Lloyd's hand. He then proceeded to pummel Lloyd several times in a matter of seconds with the dangerously spiked yoyos. Genis cast a swift wind blade spell, but Duck's agility allowed him to easily dodge it. Names ran up and swung his saw at him, but the swift foe raised his weapon to block the attack. The saw wielder thought that his blade would cut through the yoyo, but instead all of its teeth feel out do to Duck's sturdy weapon. "This is bad," Names said before trying to run away. He did not get far however, do to a barrage of attacks from a certain yoyo user.

Duck barley dodged a laser blast from a food-obsessed warrior before Stacy came up and sliced at him a number of times, but his speed allowed him to easily dodge the attacks. "How do we beat someone this fast?" she asked.

"He may be stronger and faster than us, but he can't beat us all at once," Regal said. Stacy, Regal, Tiger, who pulled out a big sledgehammer, all surrounded Duck and began attacking. This might have succeeded, if Duck didn't disappear from right in front of them. He reappeared behind them and began striking Tiger with a series of attacks. The great and powerful leader of the strange heroes, fell to the ground.

"If even Tiger fell, does that mean we can't win?" Genis asked.

"Don't worry I won't hurt you Genis," Duck said.

"Wait, why?"

"Because you are that awesome. The only way you could be more awesome is if you got into some hot action with Presea."

Genis could not form complete sentences with the last comment. "But I she, and twelve and What is wrong with you?"

"I'm sure Tiger could give you a long list of things, but I might have hit him a little too hard."

Duck then felt a firm slap across the back of his head. "No listen here, youngen. I may have been dragged out of my house, and forced to walk upon an endless pathway for the past 13 days, but I shall not allow you to kill the one who could possibly get me out of here. This is my birthday and I shall enjoy it instead of having you get in my way."

Duck went to attack her royalness but she dodged the attack and countered by roundhouse kicking him in the face, knocking him back. She then went to punch him, but he deflected the attack with his yoyo. His next attack would have taken of her head if she did not dodge in time. The battle between royalty and strangeness continued for several minuets without either one gaining an advantage. The rest of the heroes just stood on and watched, surprised that an old lady had that much fight in her.

Out of nowhere, a true hero came to put an end to the fight. Spiderman swung through the room and punched both Duck and the queen in the head, knocking them both out. "Spiderman wins," he said, "and remember, with great power comes great responsibility." He then exited the room as quickly as he entered. The heroes that were still conscious were perplexed at the strangeness of events, but they dragged the unconscious companions down another endless passage.

_

Just because I was injured in the battle, does not mean I won't provide you with funny scenes.

Regal: I must say your majesty, I never would have thought you could fight like that.

Queen: Well, I have to be able to defend myself if some hoodlums attack me so I was taught by the best.

Regal: Who taught you then?

Queen: None other then the great Chuck Norris. He taught me a few other things too, but I don't think those are appropriate to discuss when children were around.

Genis' and Stacy's eyes winded, Regal barley remained composed, Names and Tiger started laughing, and Lloyd had no clue what was going on.

Disclaimer: I own not Duck, nor Spiderman, nor anything else in this story except me. It really is the queens birthday as I post this so wish her a happy birthday!


	17. Inferno chap 5:Too much awesomness

Inferno Chapter5: The awesomeness here and can not be expressed in a title

"How many times must we continue down this path for what seems like weeks at a time?" Lloyd complained, with good reason for once.

"Don't worry, we will be at the third layer soon," Tiger said.

"Didn't we already battle 3 though?" Genis asked.

"Yea, but I originally skipped the third one and we went straight to the fourth."

"So when do I get to kill things?" Names asked.

"As soon as we enter these doors," Tiger explained, "Beware the enemy of the third level he is-"

"Falcon Punch!" A loud voice interrupted as the villain flew through the doors, past the group, and continued for as far as they eye could see.

"That's not supposed to happen," Tiger said.

"What do you mean it's not supposed to happen?" Genis said, "Don't you know everything that occurs here?"

"Apparently not."

As they walked into the room, the one awaiting them was quite familiar to most of them. "Hello Tiger," he greeted them.

"How did you get out of your marshmallow cage?" Tiger asked.

"Cheez ate it before he came here."

"I was hungry," the always-hungry warrior said.

"Now, if you don't mind, I shall get my revenge for being brought here," Chuck said cracking his knuckles, causing an earthquake in Germany, and walking toward the group.

"I think I'll join you," her royal highness said walking over to Chuck.

"This seems like an odd time, but what ever you want," he said, embracing her.

"Not in that way, but when this is over, we shall," she replied.

Regal charged at Chuck, and the two collided in a show of martial art power. Early in the exchange, Regal's shackles were shattered allowing him to fight with his hands as well. Each person was shocked by the others strength and speed. The blue haired noble struck Chuck across the face with a kick. The warrior of win was quite surprised and simultaneously struck Regal with three roundhouse kicks. Some would say this is impossible, but for Chuck Norris, there is no impossible, only what hasn't been attempted yet. The hero of Symphonia fell.

Lloyd, Names and Stacy all ran at the enemies while Genis stayed back casting magic.

The queen dodged the four swords swung at her and ducked under the chain saw. She kicked the feet out from under Lloyd and she sidestepped another attack from the saw before elbowing Names in the face. She continued to back up, dodging Stacy's blades. "Ninja arte, quick attack," the young one said, increasing her speed. She slashed through the queen several times, but to no avail.

"Nice try, but your swords won't affect me because I have no manna." Before Stacy could react, the queen went up to her, and roundhouse kicked her in the face.

Cheez stood back and began casting magic on the queen. "Infinite pork, grant me thy strength." Genis noticed the similarity between that incantation and his meteor storm. Suddenly, giant flaming meatballs began falling from the sky. The attack crushed the queen under its unhealthiness. Meatballs landed all throughout the battlefield, leading to a delicious feast for all. One even crashed through the ceiling of Chuck's truck and landed in the back seat.

"Well that car alarm is annoying," the former hero said. With a glance, the car stopped. "Now Tiger, prepare to die."

"You are forgetting you are in my world," Tiger replied.

"You are forgetting I am Chuck Norris. I once killed 4 birds with half a stone."

"There is no such thing as half a stone," Genis corrected.

"That's what the birds thought too," he said before throwing half a stone at Genis. Tiger intercepted the light speed attack, but it sent the hero of the awesome flying into the wall. As he lowered himself from the wall, he removed the half stone from his shoulder.

"No one hurts Genis, except me," Tiger said. He then summoned wondrous blue-green wings from his back and took to the air. "Face the power of nuclear explosions," Tiger said firing a violent barrage at Chuck." They were easily deflected with his beard.

"No one defeat Chuck."

"I believe you have your grammar wrong," Names said. Names was roundhouse kicked so hard, he was removed from the realm of the story and back into his own room with no recollection of the events "You might even be stronger then me," Tiger admitted.

"Let's see what a laser will do," Cheez said, unleashing the full might of the Spartan Laser. Even though the weapon was aimed perfectly, the energy was too scared of Chuck, so it went to hide in a corner instead.

Chuck once again charged at Tiger. The clash of awesomeness might even be too much for the hero, until he unleashed a skill that tore the fabric of space and time. This allowed him to block Chuck's kick, with another one of his kicks, taken from another point in time. The clash of the two forces caused a paradox to form, trapping Chuck in and allowing the others to escape.

_

This scene is dedicated to my favorite random crazy reviewer.

Stacy: These exams are going to kill me!

Lloyd: What's the big deal about exams?

Genis: They count for a big part of your grade and some people care enough not to sleep through them.

Regal: Well since we are stuck here, why don't I help you study?

Stacy would have fainted, but she wanted to spend time with her obbsesi… I mean friend.

Stacy: Thanks I think I understand it perfectly now.

Genis: You sure you learned anything just starting at him the whole time.

Tiger: Well anyway, good luck, don't fail and when in doubt, entertain the teacher enough to get partial credit.


	18. Inferno chap 6: Computer Error

As they were walking down the pathway, a bus drove along beside them and offered them a ride. They got on, obviously not wanting to have to walk another week. However, the ride still took the seven days that it normally would have. In that time, they normally would have mourned the loss of the queen and Names, but this is nowhere near a normal adventure. The bus let them off in front of the gate and then proceeded to drive through the stone wall. Ordinarily the heroes would find this strange but by this point, nothing would surprise you.

"Beware, the guardian of the fifth layer. This foe strikes fear into many in my world. Behold computer error." A giant living computer stood before them. It rose from the ground and began playing an awesome sound track to battle.

"What is a computer anyway?" Lloyd asked.

"Do I seriously have to explain everything to you?" Tiger asked.

"It won't matter, he won't understand it anyway," Genis commented. The heroes prepared to battle the enemy, when it randomly beeped. Instead of his laser, Cheez switched back to his frying pan and began basing the computer ferociously.

"This is for randomly deleting things, listening to my sister, and randomly installing things in Portuguese," he said taking out his anger on the piece of technology. It retaliated by hitting him in the head with a speaker. Regal charged at it, and kicked it in the face/monitor. Lloyd prepared a tiger blade while Genis used thunder blade. The computer used its cut and paste technique to move the thunder blade on top of Lloyd who was then pinned to the ground.

"What'd you do that for?"

"It wasn't me, it was the computer." The cause of multiple windows breaking then uses its mute power making Genis unable to talk. All of the heroes then noticed they had a darker outline than normal."

"What is going on here?" Stacy asked.

"Great, now it just randomly bolded everything," Tiger said. The computer then summoned a legion of random dancing monkeys to attack them.

An idea came to Stacy's mind. "Ninja arte, transform," she said emerging as a monkey. She walked over to the random creatures and began conversating with them. The monkeys then walked away.

"I'll teach it a lesson," Lloyd said flying at it with his tempest attack. Instead of colliding with it, he instead crashed straight into a wall. "What happened, my attack was aimed perfectly."

"I would have to go with position lag," Tiger said.

"Position what?" Lloyd asked.

"It's when internet problems make you think the enemy is in one place when it really isn't." Lloyd climbed out of the wall and began to battle the thing again. Tiger went to fire his guns at it, but to his surprise, there was no ammo.

"How can I run out of ammo in my story?!"

"I'm sorry," the computer said, "But a virus has deleted all nuclear weapons."

"That's inconvenient, but did it do anything to sledge hammers?"

"Yes, all heavy bludgeoning objects have also been deleted," it said calmly, "Please contact tech support for assistance."

"And what is tech support's number?"

"Error 404, file not found."

"Stacy, let me borrow your claws,"

"Um, okay," she said handing him the dangerous weapons. "Just don't kill yourself."

"This story couldn't continue with the author dead," he said charging at it.

As their semi courageous leader charged at it, the computer suddenly turned of the music.

"That was actually good music," Stacy said.

"Please tell Microsoft about this problem. We have created an error report that you can send to us. We will treat this report as confidential and anonymous.

In defense of the crazy writers' assault, it put up a firewall to block his attack. "How do we beat this thing?"

"Couldn't you just unplug it?" Stacy asked.

"Fine, if you want to take the easy way out." Tiger walked over and unplugged it, ending the fight in a very anticlimactic way.

_

Note to self; never ask Cheez and Stacy to help you come up with ideas for the same chapter. This is what happens. I just hope I can get into fan-girl mode to write this

Stacy: Finished, great job guys.

Regal: Where did this gourmet dinner come from?

Stacy: I had those monkeys make it. When Genis was teaching Lloyd to cook, he said it was so easy a monkey could do it, so I figured a team of monkeys could do it easily.

Regal: I truly appreciate the effort you put into this meal.

(Cheez and Tiger walk over and eat the entire thing in 10 seconds)

(Stacy was overcome with extreme rage and energy)

Stacy: HOW DARE YOU EAT THE DINNER FOR THE INCREDIBLY HANDSOME AND AWESOME REGAL-SAMA!! Someone as cool, and giving, and awesome as him deserves a good meal occasionally after being thrown into this strange adventure.

(Tiger stopped his pursuer by duct taping her to the wall and Regal came over to try to reason with the younger people)

Stacy: I knew you were going to come to my rescue. You are so cool and awesome.

Tiger: Don't forget sexy

Stacy: Oh yes, you are so sexy as well. *slight pause* did I just say that out load?

Everyone walks away leaving Stacy stuck their till next chapter.


	19. Inferno chap 7: Greatest Fears Part 1

Chap: I forgot the number, greatest fears part 1

"These past 5 days have been a lot quieter," Regal said as they once again walked through the dark and scary dungeon.

"Yea, there must be something missing," Lloyd said as he tried to think of what it was.

"Tiger keeps magically producing food, so I don't think anything is wrong," Cheez said.

"Did you guys forget that Stacy was still stuck to the wall when we left?" Genis said.

"Maybe I should get her down," Tiger said, "Although leaving her up there is more fun."

"Yea, but remember, she is the cause for most of the comedy," Genis reasoned.

"I guess you have a point there. Besides, I will enjoy having her here for the next battle."

_

Tiger will feel pain I have only reserved for Zelos now that I am down from that wall. No one, except for my brother, duct tapes me to the wall and gets away with it. That and tricking me into calling Regal "sexy". I cannot believe such a low class word came out of my mouth to describe someone with such high demeanor, let alone be used as an adjective for such an incredible example of male perfection. Tiger will feel unfathomable amounts of pain.

_

Due to Tiger not wanting to have to wait days for her to catch up, he opened up a wormhole to transport her to them in a matter of seconds.

"Wow, that was fast," she said.

"Okay now that we are all here, I will explain this next level to you. Instead of us going in as a group and destroying things, each of us must stand against his or her own enemy. Be careful, there is no telling what you will face through these gates."

"Go Tyler, show Zelos a thing or two," Stacy randomly said. The entire group stared at her in disbelief.

"I think I have an explanation," Tiger said, "she seems to be suffering from multiple fanfic insertion syndrome."

"Wait, what?" Lloyd said.

"Two different authors are trying to pull her into their own world and the combination of the two forces causes her to see things from one when she's in the other. There is this one along with the awesomely random 'Infinity Orb'"

The group just nodded their heads acting as if they understood. The only one who almost did was Genis, but he didn't want to be pulled into another strange situation.

"Okay people, enter the gate and try to make it out alive."

_

Cheez entered a room where he was alone. He looked around the room and noticed an Xbox at the other end of the room. After seeing the intro to Halo, he had to play it. Running to it, he crashed into a giant lettuce monster that began to consume the precious video game system.

"You will pay for that," Cheez said as he pulled out his favorite laser related weapon and fired it at the monster. The blast made a large hole in the monster, but it simple closed up and the creature punched him into the ceiling. In retaliation, he used his meatball storm spell, pelting the fiend several times, and at the same time, giving himself lunch.

However, the monster was unaffected by this attack. _'How can I beat someone who isn't affected by any of my attacks? I really want that Xbox.' _An idea came to the food loving one. He began chanting one of his old spells. "Take this beast and turn it into a tasty feast." The lettuce monster was fried to a crispy brown, and became an almost nutritious snack for the Cheez. He normally hated lettuce, but deep-fried, it wasn't that bad.

_

Regal found himself back at Altemera, or so it seemed. He heard the cries of a women in pain and ran beside the hotel. He noticed his shackles were gone, and there before him stood the monster, that haunted him with fear along with giving him unexplainable joy. "Alicia," he said wondering if this was just another memory.

"Help me Regal," a pink haired woman said as she was trying to get away from that monster. It pursued her relentlessly. The blue haired warrior ran in to save her, but felt a chain on his leg pulling him back. He couldn't bear to lose her like this again when she was so close.

Regal's calm mind aloud him to see the flaw in the enemies plan. He kicked the chain with his other foot and proceeded to destroy the monster and save his one true love.

_

Tiger walked into the dark room. He knew that this realm would force him to fight his greatest fears, and this time he was alone. He saw it approach him. The brave hero readied his weapons to battle and it attacked.

ERROR 623: CONNECTION LOST

A/N: I will destroy you for randomly italicising things!


	20. Inferno chap 8: Greatest Fears Part 2

Tiger: I wonder if I can get this chapter typed before I have to go to work

Genis: Probably not. Knowing you, this will only get half as far as you plan for it to get but you will put it up anyway.

Tiger: What are you doing here Genis? Shouldn't you be facing your greatest fear?

Genis: This is my greatest fear, having to spend time with you. Moreover, shouldn't the same thing be happening to you?

Tiger: Um…Well, you see…Uh, story time!

_

Lloyd walked into the room with swords drawn ready to take down whatever foe came to face him. He figured it would be a difficult battle from Tiger's warning, but hoped it wouldn't be made harder by him being caught of guard. The room was pitch black so his foe remained hidden.

Suddenly, the room became illuminated and his foe stood their before him. It stood only inches of the ground and looked up at him with cute black eyes. "I have to fight a kitten? Seems a bit strange but I guess I can do this." Lloyd raised his blade hoping to end the battle before anything strange happened.

_Lloyd, stop! _Genis, stop giving him hints.

"What's going on here?"

_You have to take care of the cat to get out of here alive. Feed it and that kind of thing._

"Oh, okay," Lloyd said scratching his head. "Here kitty kitty," Lloyd said bending down closer to the cats level.

"I understand you just fine," the cat responded.

"Um…okay. Want some chicken?" Lloyd asked trying to make sense of the situation.

"Bleah, I hate chicken," it responded in a childish voice.

"Then what do you like?

"Macaroni and root-bear please."

"I don't have any of those," Lloyd said.

"Well then I guess you are stuck here until you make me some." Fortunately, for Lloyd, there happened to be a Walmart in this room.

_Wow, I knew they were opening a lot of new stores, but I never thought they would expand this far_

How do you learn about these things?

_Stealing your laptop when you get distracted._

Not my fault I get distracted by new story ideas.

_Then why keep coming back to this?_

_You people are too much fun to torment._

And while Genis and I were arguing, Lloyd went into the store, grabbed a bag of macaroni and a 12 pack of root-bear, and left the store. He also killed a few people that asked him to pay because they had yet to accept gald and currency. Aside, from becoming a serial murderer, Lloyd made the kitty happy and was able to leave the room unharmed.

_

Stacy too found herself in a dark room, but she knew how to drive away the darkness. "Ninja arte, flash!" she said and light came to the room. Her enemies were reveled. One idiotic red haired chosen and one giant spider. She was less then calm at this and began screaming in terror begging for Regal to comfort her.

"Don't worry my honey, the great Zelos is here," he said trying to put an arm around her shoulder. She unleashed a fury of sword swipes, but Zelos was able to block them. The spider that was about three times her height, then began charging at her.

"How is it fair, that I am outnumbered here?" she yelled. I hate to say it but she had a point, so she found a poke-ball in her hand. "Sweet, Mewtwo come on out and show them what you can do," she said tossing it at the ground. Out of it came the mighty, ferocious Magikarp. She kicked the useless fish right into the spider's mouth.

"Something useful," she screamed as another ball appeared in her hand. This time out of it came a small red dinosaur like creature. "Geomon? What is a digimon doing inside a poke ball?"

"Trying to find food. I'm hungry."

"Well, can you help me fight?"

"Hm, I'd rather just go join that kitty for lunch," he said as the hero was once again alone.

"Can I get someone helpful pleased?"

Mewtwo then teleported beside her. Stacy set her sights on Zelos while the pokemon battled the spider. "Ninja arte, hyper beam," she said as she blasted the chosen back to Tethe'alla while Mewtwo defeated the spider with his awesome psychic abilities.

_

Tiger: Told you I could get this done in time.

Genis: I'm surprised you weren't overly distracted.

Tiger: Think we should join them for the next battle.

Genis: I don't have a choice, do I?

Tiger: Not at all and I will destroy this thing for evil italizing.


	21. Inferno chap 9: The Viloent

Inferno chap 8: The violent

It's time for another chapter of everyone's favorite random self-insert written by me. I guess that means I can't just sit at the computer and cause bad things to happen to Genis. Tiger-bot, take over the narration while we engage in epic battles.

"This can't end well for me," Genis said as he and Tiger teleported back to the dungeon.

"Hey, Genis, glad you're back," Lloyd said greeting his friend.

"That last battle was strange, even for you Tiger," Stacy said.

"Yea, I almost had to eat something healthy. And what's with this floating cat creature thing?"

"I told you not to call me a cat. You can call me Mewtwo."

"Enough of the boring talking part," Tiger said, "You ready for a violent battle?"

"As long as it doesn't involve me taking care of kittens again."

"Nah, don't worry Lloyd this involves the violence we all know and love."

The group of partly heroes and partly random people entered the great and marvelous gates to find what appeared to be a normal man on the other side of the room. The seemingly normal man raised his hand the Soviet national anthem began to play.

"Behold the great and violent warrior Timothy of the national awesome party. Few have ever stood against his wrath and lived."

"How few?" Genis asked.

"If we win, we will be the first."

Timothy walked forward and declared, "I am the ruler of hellfire, and I bring you, FIRE!" All around the room, fire shot out, followed by large monstrous tanks. "Destroy them all using as many explosives as possible!"

The machines charged at the heroes firing and nearly killing most of them, but since this is a story where the heroes can't die or else the story would be over, they managed to dodge the machine guns, rockets, missiles, and other military ammo. However, Mewtwo was not so lucky and was destroyed because I can't think of any comical way to use him at this point.

"How do we beat a foe with such advanced technology?" Regal asked.

"Simple, we blow them up," Tiger replied. He took out his gun and nuked a couple of them while Cheez took aim and lasered a few more. Genis short-circuited some with thunder arrow, while Regal used his awesome energy blast that can never be used in battle. Stacy and Lloyd found themselves completely useless and found a corner to hide in. Normally this would be the point in the self-insert where Lloyd and Stacy discovered that they were in love with each other, but this is nowhere near normal.

"I see my tanks weren't enough to destroy you," Tim said, "but let's see how you handle the air force!" A squadron of various planes and helicopters from the military began attacking the heroes, but Genis used meteor storm to knock them out of the sky.

"How could you just destroy my army like that?" Tim asked.

"We have to win someway. I'm just too lazy to write out an epic battle scene."

"You will have no choice once I unleash my true power."

"And what true power is that?" Stacy asked coming out of the corner.

"You see, I am a contract killer so I have to keep my trade secrets secret."

"Wait, so you are taking other jobs now?" she asked.

"Yea sure. What do you need? Broken knee caps, mental or psychical torture, or just death?"

"Well there is this one redhead. I'm not sure if I want him dead or not, but…"

"I understand." Tim gave her a list of his different services

"Package six seems the best for my needs."

"Okay ma'am, I will take care of that after I kill one "Dr. Taco". I hate to do it, since his version is a lot more entertaining than the original." Tim left the room to attend to his business leaving a very anticlimactic end to the battle.

"Aw, that was lame. I didn't even get to do anything," Lloyd said.

"Yea, I expected us to have to kill him," Stacy said.

"I haven't been able to laser someone in a while," Cheez said.

"Don't point that thing at me," Genis said. The laser wielder adjusted the direction slightly.

"Laser me and no bacon for a month."

Then the heroes left the room and once again continued along the dark and stormy path. They saw a marvelous fireworks display light up the night sky and then started walking along their 10-day journey. They had no idea what strange fates would await them on July 14th, except for Tiger, who knows everything.

_

Yes, I do have an exact date planned for the next chapter, and there is a reason to it. I'm also planning a chapter of just funny skits so if you have ideas, please send them to me and I shall put them into my randomness document. This now has more chapters than any other fic of mine, even though they aren't all finished or published. And sorry for the double update, I forgot to spell check or proofread the first time.

Lloyd: Well that battle wasn't as weird as the last one.

Regal: Yea, being alone like that was scary.

Stacy: Zelos and a giant spider is not a good thing.

Genis: Tiger, what fear did you have to defeat?

Tiger: I couldn't defeat it.

Genis: What do you mean?

Tiger: I was able to run away from it. Not even my most powerful attacks could defeat it.

Stacy: Wow, that bad?

Tiger: Be careful, it might be coming after you sooner than you think.


	22. Inferno chap 10: Massive Murder

Inferno chapter 9 or 10, titles are unimportant

"Well it's that time again," Tiger announced.

"Time to eat bacon?"

"Time for me to go out with Regal?"

"Nope," Tiger said.

"To make fun of Lloyd's intelligence."

"To have bad things happen to Genis?" Lloyd suggested.

"Tempting, but no."

"For me having a purpose other then to make Stacy happy?"

"Of course not," Tiger said, "It's time for the wheel of morality." The possibly insane leader brought a giant game show like wheel out of thin air, and began spinning it.

"Isn't this part of the wrong show?" Cheez asked.

"Beside the point," Tiger said as the wheel stopped on the number 47.

"What kind of wheel has 47 numbers?" Genis asked.

"A random one," Tiger said reading the moral that printed for the nonexistent printer. "'Do not attempt the following actions at home; it may get you arrested for treason, murder, along with other bad things.' Well I guess that makes sense. Onward to victory!" Tiger led his army into the next room.

Upon entering, they spotted a massive force of exactly 535 people comprising of 92 females, 42 African Americans, 28 Hispanics, along with 10 Asians. The diverse group that the heroes were going to face was none other then the United States Congress.

To make up for being outnumbered, the heroes attacked suddenly as Lloyd charged and stabbed Senator Judd Gregg, killing him instantly. He slashed and killed two other representatives. Genis followed it up with his meteor storm killing several more while Cheez unleashed the power of his laser.

Represenitive Davis saw the danger that was approaching his coworkers so he proposed a resolution condemning the attack. However, in the inefficiency of the congress, the proposal was lost under a large pile of things and will not be addressed until about November 23rd.

"Why are we killing them?" Genis asked, "They don't seem that evil."

"Believe me, while they might not be actively going around killing everyone, they are some of the worst criminals you will meet," Tiger explained, as fired several nuclear bombs into the crowd. In retaliation, a majority of them decided to initiate a law, that would make it illegal to attack congress, but a minority decided that everything the majority did was wrong, so they argued pointlessly while more of them continued to die.

In the array of chaos, one brave congressional representative, since gender specific language is not politically correct, Mr. Jim Webb decided to bring forth a shocking proposal that would regulate the owl mating patters. One of Stacy's claws soon stabbed him. One of the few congressional representatives that are able to think about something other than reelection decided to bring in one of the army tanks. Sadly, it could not be found since it had recently been painted camouflage.

Congress then resorted to the one weapon they could use best, money. They threw as much money as they could borrow from other nations at the heroes, who used a variety of spells to completely negate the attacks.

"I thought money solved everything," Senator Reid said before Tiger killed him with a can of exploding tuna.

"Didn't we outlaw, fish based weapons?" Speaker Pelosi asked before she was struck with Genis' explosion attack.

Before long, the army of congress had been nearly eradicated by the mix of magic, melee attacks, and various other weapons. Regal finished the last few off with a series of kicks.

"Well now that the congress is no more the world will be a better place," Tiger said.

"How many more pointless battles do have you to fight?" Genis asked.

"Don't worry, only one," Tiger said, "And yes, it will take us another 10 days to reach that floor."

"Couldn't you just teleport us there?" he half elf asked.

"Could, should, won't."

Once again, Tiger and the other less awesome heroes continued out the room that now houses the bodies of Congress. Even stranger things would await them as they continued on their quest.

_

A/N: Why argue about politics when you can just kill them all? If I let my own political ideology slip though on this, then I apologize. Random scene time

Stacy: Sorry guys, even with how much I love Regal, I have to leave you.

Tiger: You can't just leave us.

Stacy: Too bad I'm going to Japan.

Lloyd: What's a Japan? Sounds tasty

Cheez: I'm hungry. I'll eat a Japan

Stacy: Japan isn't food, although they do have some strange types of food.

Cheez: Can I come too then?

Tiger: No, you are stuck here with me

Cheez: Sad face

Stacy: Although, I don't like sushi much, but I'm sure it will be awesome.

Tiger: Too bad, you will be gone; you will miss the awesome fan-girl battle.

Stacy: I guess I can make it back for a short battle knowing how short your chapters normally are.

Tiger: Well if not, I think I can recruit one of our old enemies to join us. Have fun in Japan.

A/N: I've decided to bring one of the enemies from this fic back to join the heroes, but I don't know which one. Please vote on it with a review, and I still need ideas for my random scene chapter. Thanks and see you on July 24.


	23. Inferno chap 11: Final battles

Inferno chapter 11: End of the inferno.

"Hey Stacy, wake up."

"Anything for you Regal," she said while remaining in the realm of her dreams.

"Sorry, I'm not Regal, but I have it from a reliable source that Regal and Mewtwo may have their toes dipped in hot lava if you don't come with me."

At this, the random crazy one leapt out of her bed ready to come to the aid of her friends, until she looked at the clock. "Why would you wake me up at 3AM?"

"Well, it's 11 am back in Canada."

"How did you get here anyway Tyler?"

"Are you forgetting the power of the infinity orb? I was ordered to bring you to the battle of crazed fan girls. There is a rumor that some people think that there are guys better than Regal"

Stacy pulled out her swords from underneath her bed and prepared to forcefully correct those deceived fools. "Time for people to pay for not liking Regal."

"How did you manage to bring swords like that here?"

"I'm sorry; I didn't here you over the sound of how awesome I am!"

Tyler teleported he and Stacy back into the endless dungeon of randomness while complaining that his friend stole quotes from other people.

"Tiger! I thought I told you to be nice to Regal and Mewtwo while I was gone!" Stacy said.

"You never said I had to listen to you," the sarcastic leader responded.

"Would someone please explain to me what I'm doing here?" a blue haired half elf said.

"Shut it Yuan!" nearly the entire group said.

"Yea, I want to go pew pew pew."

"You will in time Duck. Lexi, Duck, I would introduce you to all these people, but that would take up too much time for a lazy writer and most of you have met before."

"I still don't know half these people!" Yuan complained, but was hit in the back of the head, with Lexi's staff.

"I'm as lost as Tiger while reading Shojo-manga fics, but you don't hear me complaining do you?" she said.

"Wasn't that a complaint?" Genis asked.

"How did all these strange people get here again?" Stacy asked.

"Well remember that poll where I would bring back a villain?" Tiger explained, "Well there was a three way tie for the winner so they all won."

"Wait, if there was only one reviewer then how could there be three votes?"

"I never said voters were restricted to one vote, nor that the author couldn't vote."

"Enough of these complex politics, let's just kill things," Lloyd said.

"I like the way you think," Tiger said as he proceeded to fire 19 nuclear bombs at the door, completely blowing it away.

"I didn't think any of the other doors were locked," Regal commented.

"This one wasn't either, I just felt like blowing something up. Anyway, onward to the final circle of pain."

Tiger led his army into a room covered by a sheet of ice. The force of the idiotic twin-swordsman Lloyd, the awesome mage Genis, the martial arte expert Regal, and the easily annoyed lightning warrior Yuan, accompanied by a the cast of strange original characters such as the Regal obsessed fan girl Stacy, the food obsessed warrior Cheez, the yoyo fighter Duck, the mage/monster tamer Lexi, along with their newest addition, the infinity orb wielder, Tyler. Wow, this story has many new people, even if all of them are just stolen from other places.

Even with the army of strangeness behind him, Tiger still had a massive army opposing him, this time numbering in the millions. They were some of the fiercest most dangerous creatures the world has ever seen. They would stop at nothing to have their prize. It was none other then a massive force of ravenous teenage fan-girls. In the middle of the mob, was the one they adored the most. The impossibly beautiful being with skin like marble. His facial features could only be described as being perfect and angular with his high cheekbones, strong jaw line, a straight nose, and full lips. His hair, which is always messy, retained the unusual bronze shade that he inherited in his human life from his biological mother. His eyes, though once green, are now as topaz. Leading the final battle against the heroes was none other then the stealer of teenage hearts, Edward Cullen

"I hope you enjoy disappointment," he said to the heroes, "For there is no way you can survive against the love they have for me.

"Wow, they make your obsession almost seem tame," Tiger said to Stacy.

"Well at least I have good taste in men," she responded.

"What did you say!?" the pack of mindless people said.

"My guy is incredibly cool and handsome, while yours is nothing but a blood sucking vampire."

"How dare you call my Edward a blood sucking vampire?" the mob responded in unison.

"He is one isn't he?" Genis said adding logic to the illogical argument.

"Now, ladies," Edward said as he made is way through the crowd, walking up to Stacy. "Just give her time, and I'm sure she will warm up to me." He lifted her chin and her clear blue eyes locked into his mysterious topaz eyes. They stood in silence for a few seconds, and then she proceeded to beat the living crap out of him.

The massive army of obsessed stalkers began to charge at Stacy. Tyler brought forth a massive wall of black energy to block the army. "Time for violence!" Tiger yelled as he pulled out a giant hammer with a head nearly 20 feet long and easily weighing 2 tons. He began swinging it causing many of teenage girls to die. "Murdering people like this is so much fun it should be illegal!" the insane leader said.

"I thought it was a crime where you are from," the logical half elf said.

"Why do you think I come here then?" Tiger said, "It isn't just to torture you. I highly doubt the cops will come trying to arrest me for murder!"

Suddenly, two cops burst into the room with a warrant out for his arrest. "Tiger002, you are under arrest for copyright violation."

"Screw the rules, I have money!" he said as he killed the officers of the law.

"You don't have money though," Genis replied.

"That's one of the rules I'm screwing. Ignoring the awkwardness of that last sentence, let's get back to the battle."

And so they did, Yuan and Lloyd were at the front slicing and dicing the villains, while Regal showed everyone his martial arte skills, by pounding his enemies to a pulp. Normally he refrained from hitting girls, but this time they needed some sense pounded into them. Genis and Lexi stayed in back and cast their spells. Genis used his indignation attack giving many of the mentally unbalanced villains quite a shock while Lexi used her frost scarab attack freezing several in place, making them easy targets for other heroes, such as Cheez who soon aimed his laser into the crowd. Sadly, the powerful blast could only kill 10 at a time. Weirdly enough, it wasn't the first ten, but a random group of 10 in the lasers path.

Duck jumped into the fry and began pounding the fan girls with his yoyo. The attacks killed several, but soon enough they were able to fight back. His deft acrobatic skills aloud him to dodge many of his attacks, but do to the fact that he built is fighting on raw strength and dexterity, the few attacks that did hit him began to take their toll. "Evie, come help me!" he called and the small dog ran toward him swinging her stick. The magic healed him and enhanced his already formidable powers. His speed and power increased as his slaughter continued at an even faster rate.

Tyler and Stacy had begun to be surrounded by the enemy army. Stacy had her swords drawn and began focusing the manna in her body. "Ninja arte, flamethrower," she said sending out the stream of fire that incinerated many of the fiends. "I'm not used to battles like this," Tyler said.

"Don't worry, this army is a lot weaker than the ones we normally fight," Stacy said assuring her Canadian friend. Tyler began focusing on his sword and it materialized in his hand. He swung it as his arm extended to several times its normal length, slicing through several of the foes.

While thousand of the fan-girls had died, it was but a small blow to the massive army. "There are so many of them," Regal said. Edward wondered who these strange people were but decided not to worry about it much, since events like this would break any and all conventions of logic. Instead, he wanted to find the reason that this man was able to effortlessly grasp the adoration of the girl, while he could not.

Using his inhuman speed, he ran up and kicked the noble, sending him to the ground. "What does she see in you?" the vampire asked.

"Simply put, she has a gift to see past just the good looks of guys, and can see into their heart. Clearly though, your love is as fake as they come."

Edward once again charged at Regal, who roundhouse kicked him in the face. Duke Bryant kicked his foe into the air and jumped up after him. He returned the vampire into the ground with a powerful kick that created a small hole in the ground.

The vampire rose from the attack seemingly unharmed. Sunlight began filtering into the room causing Edward to sparkle in the sunlight, making his fan girls become even more obsessed. Soon though, the sunlight began to burn him, causing him to fall to his knees in pain. "How can it be, the sunlight is just supposed to make him even better?" the crazed masses asked.

"My kick wasn't just a physical attack," Regal explained, "but it brought forth the truth behind him. A true vampire can not live in the presence of the sun." Soon the overrated book and movie character was no more, and as such, the million teenage girls returned to their senses, or as much sense as teenagers can have.

"So what do we do now?" one asked.

"Let's go get tacos," another suggested.

"Okay," they all agreed. The army vanished leaving nothing but the assorted heroes of various heroisms.

"Congratulations everyone, we defeated the 9 villains of various evilness," Tiger said.

"So does that mean I can leave?" Yuan asked.

"You were only here for one battle and you're already complaining?" Genis said.

"Remember how long it took us to get down here?" Tiger said, "Well now we have to go back that way."

"But it took 2 months and 7 days for that!" Genis protested.

"Yea, I don't want to go all that time without killing anything," Lloyd said.

"Don't worry this time it will only take 11 days." Tiger explained.

"Can't you just open up a worm hole thingy to get us there faster?" Stacy asked.

"I guess so," Tiger said as he began bending time and space. However, there was a massive earthquake. "I think we might have a problem."

"What did you break now?" Lexi said.

"Apparently, the universe," Tiger said.

"Dividing by zero again?" Duck asked.

"No but with all dimensional shifts and destroying Twilight, the fabric of the space-time-fan fictional-universe has been torn, so there will be some unusual things happening. Suddenly, a cow appeared in front of the group and began singing and break dancing to, "When the Saints come marching in."

"Yea, as we travel back to the surface, chances are good we may run into people that we have met before or maybe not. Don't worry though; I'm sure destroying Twilight will be for the greater good."

_

And now, for the real reason most of you probably read this, random scene time!

Genis: Wow Lexi, I've never seen anyone use magic like that before.

Lexi: Oh, thanks. My people use a different kind of magic then most mages. Normally they control the flow of manna to attack, but my people harness the power of nature for our spells.

Lloyd: I can see this being confusing already. *hides in a corner*

Genis: So that explains why your spells are so different.

Lexi: It's also why I can control monsters. We are much closer to animals and plants then the humans or the elves.

Tiger: Yea, she is even teaching me some of her techniques. *Tiger summoned a wolf about half his height*

Stacy: Aw, doggy. *She ran up to the monsters and began petting it.*

Tiger: Hey Tyler, why don't you take Stacy back to Japan before I'm accused of kidnapping.

_

Looking around my room, I see that it is 5AM. That was a weird dream. One of these days I will learn not to drink hot chocolate before bed, but probably not anytime soon since it tastes so good.

_

A/N: That was a fun chapter to write! I can't believe I actually finished 2 days early, but that just gives me more time to work on the next chapter, but I need your help. Do to the dimensional shift, the next chapter will be entirely short scenes, so if you have ideas please submit them. Tell me and I will add anyone you want to this, whether it is someone previously inserted, another character from the game, or even someone from a different fandom, just give me a brief description if it's something I might not know about. Anything goes for that, except for pairings since that is something I don't want to have to work with. Thanks and see you on August 4th. Also, Tyler is not mine but is taken from "The Infinity Orb" a self insert by Superherofan. Also, why does bold underline and italizise everything!!!?


	24. Chapter 18: Random scene Time!

Chapter 18: Lots of random scenes time!

Genis: How is this chapter 18?

Tiger: Because, this document was originally going to be chapter 18, but I decided to wait and combine it with my random scenes.

A/N: Due to someone breaking the universe, you may find some people from different fandoms including other original characters in this chapter. I apologize for any confusion but the one reviewer should recognize most of these things. Also, thanks for all the inspiration weather or not you know you helped.

Disclaimer: I do not own, Tales of Symphonia, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, Stacy, Cheez, Lexi, Duck, Tyler, the universe, Chuck Norris, Loy, futurama, Metal Gear Solid, Aaron, Heather, Loy, pi, e, banana phone, the great pi/e debate, Dr. Phil, Beatles music, Ouran High School Host Club, Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World, the force, or one piece. Take that RBL and your long disclaimers

I do however own, Tiger, and my new laptop.

_

Genis' methods to kill/torture/destroy Tiger.

Hello world that apparently exists beyond this strange computer screen. As you probably all know by now, this strange person named Tiger has forced me and Lloyd to travel with him, in some strange journey, and somehow uses this computer to entertain people in a different world as us. Well, apparently he is easily distracted so I was able to steal it and will now inform his readers what shall befall this unusual creature.

1. Steal one of his guns and fire it at him. How ironic would it be for him to be destroyed by his own weapon?

2. Bribe Cheez with bacon to get his laser. I'm sure you can guess where that will lead.

3. Have Stacy help me duct tape him to the wall. I'm sure she would be willing to help, after all the torture we have been through, although since Tiger allowed Regal to come, it might not work.

4. Convince Cheez that Tiger is made of bacon.

5. Cause Tiger's computer to delete the update he tried making on his profile. Already done, I just hope he didn't realize it was me.

6. Make his head explode by forcing him to do complex math problems. He seems smarter than Lloyd, so this one might not work as well.

"Hey Genis, what are you doing?"

"Be quiet Lloyd, I stole Tiger's computer."

"Sweet, I wanted to fight something."

"No, Lloyd, don't--"

"Sword rain!"

ERROR 47: MULTIPLE PUNCTURES, SYSTEM NOW RESTARTING

Hm, it looks like Genis is learning from my evilness. While I enjoy this greatly, without me, there would be no story so I must punish him with potatoes, beef jerky, and of course, ball point pens.

_

Duck's futurama inspired scene

Tiger: Sorry about the strange events this broken universe could cause.

Duck: I haz an idea!

Cheez: I'm the only one aloud to use bad grammar here.

Genis: Will this idea involve me becoming a father before my 14th birthday?

Duck: I'll save that for later. In this broken universe, there is a box, and in that box there is a second universe, so we find the box and everything is fixed.

Yuan: Things can't be that simple.

Lloyd: I found it!

Tiger: Wrong box; that is my game cube.

Yuan: How someone like that managed to save the world is beyond me.

Lloyd: What about this cardboard box?

Suddenly, the box was tossed into the air revealing Solid Snake from the Medal Gear Solid series. Upon having his cover blown, he called his Cypher thing and flew away

Tiger: No that wasn't it either. The other universe is in this box. *Tiger holds up a box*

Cheez: Maybe that would be enough to keep me from being hungry for a few seconds

Genis: You can't eat the universe!

Lloyd: Yea I want to eat it!

Lloyd and Cheez have an epic battle between the two that involves Cheez losing two fingers and Lloyd having his left leg deep-fried.

Chuck Norris then came and roundhouse kicked the universe box, breaking it worse then the one Tiger broke. When those who still clung to logic asked why he did such a thing, he responded with words too awesome to record.

_

Attack of the killer trampolines

The heroes continued walking up the boring, long path that quite possibly, led them to nowhere. Along the way, they were ambushed by something that is only seen by those who have consumed large amounts of illegal substances.

"Tiger, I think you have lost your mind," Lexi said.

"I am serious and don't call me Shirley, wait wrong line, how can I lose something I never had?" Tiger said

"Let's just get this over with," Yuan said charging at the fun things to jump on. Suddenly, a piece of rock shot out of the wall that smashed the seraph.

"And that's why you never attack until I say to," Tiger said.

"But Lloyd still tries," Genis said as the twin swordsman crashed into the same wall that just hurt Yuan.

"Aaron, I think we are lost," a 15-year-old brown haired teenager said walking through the hole in the wall.

"It's not my fault," her 16-year-old brother said.

"You guys must be really lost," Tiger said, "Not only are you in the wrong fic, but in the wrong fandom.

"Well I guess we should help then," Heather said firing streams of water at them while Aaron brought forth a rockslide crushing them. However, the rocks merely bounced of them and toward the heroes. Tyler focused on one of his favorite heroes and used a black force field to block the rocks.

"I'll handle this," Lexi said summoning several of her golems that went forward and destroyed the fun objects.

"Okay, you guys can go back from where you came," Tiger said.

"See you Wednesday," Heather said as she and her brother disappeared.

_

Fan-girl battle: Kratos vs. Regal

"Ah, Regal, you are so handsome and awesome and cool."

"Psh, girl, you have some strange taste in men."

"Wait, Loy, what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to show you the epitome of male awesomeness." She then dragged an unwilling seraph into the cavern. Yuan laughed at seeing his old friend join them in this torture.

"Kratos isn't bad but he is no where near the high demeanor that Regal has."

"Come on, how can you not love this sexy beast?"

"Using sexy to describe Regal would be an insult to such an incredible example of male perfection."

While the two rabid fan-girls argued about things that writers such as myself have no interest in, Regal untied Kratos and they carefully snuck away from the group, to discuss mutual angst of killing their wife.

_

Path of least resistance

The team continued on the long and winding road that would lead them back to wherever they were before. Along the way though, they came across a fork in the road. They also happened to see a spoon, knife and game cube controller. It was after they passed these random objects, the path split it two directions.

"Which way do we go?" Genis asked their guide.

"I'd say we should go the way that will be the most entertaining."

Suddenly an earthquake shook the place. "Was that an earthquake?" Lloyd asked.

"No that was my stomach growling," Cheez said.

Massive amounts of rocks began falling from the ceiling, which the group quickly dove out of the way of. However, the rocks blocked the path they were on and some of the heroes were on each side of the divide.

"This could be a problem," Tiger said to Genis and Stacy, who were on the same side as him. Stacy pulled out her cell phone to call Tyler, and was amazed to get reception down here.

"So is everything okay on your side?" she asked.

"Well Lloyd is freaking out, but nothing that bad," he responded.

Tiger stole the phone from Stacy and told Tyler, "Don't worry both paths should reunite before long, so just keep going. I don't think the villains will be a problem for you."

_

Lloyd's freak out (inspired by RBL)

Lloyd: We're all going to die! We don't have any food and we have no idea what to do

Lexi: Don't worry; I'm sure Tiger wouldn't do something that evil to us.

The rest of the group gave her strange looks

Lexi: You're right; he would.

Lloyd: Genis, get me out of here!

Yuan: I'm not Genis, you idiot, now stop shaking me

Lloyd: Regal, do that big-booming-hand-thingy! Cheez, blow this place up so we can leave!

Presea: Doing that would be unwise considering the circumstances.

Lexi: I don't remember her being here.

Regal: Yea, she wasn't a second ago.

Presea: Worrying about it will get us nowhere so we might as well continue on our way.

The group continued on, except for Lloyd who continued to bang his head against the wall. Even with a head that hard, the wall will take a while to break.

_

Multi-fandom-dimensional shift

Genis, Stacy, and Tiger continued on their way through the path, when the suddenly found themselves in a large field.

"Where are we?" Stacy asked.

"I'm not really sure," Tiger said.

"Where ever it is, I can feel an incredibly amount of manna being built up around here.

"I can feel it too, and I'm not even a half-elf," Stacy said. Looking around they saw two people in the distance. One was an angel with brown hair, clothed in black, and he had massive blue wings. Near him, a silver haired person stood with lightning runes surrounding him.

"Is that me?" Genis asked.

"From the land of the living…" the other Genis said.

"Uh-oh," Tiger said once he realized where they were.

"What's wrong?" Stacy asked.

"…I call upon thee in the land of the dead…"

"Get down!" Tiger ordered.

"…To unleash thy fury of thunder…"

As the three hit the ground, Tiger put a magic shield up around them to protect them.

"Indignation!" A massive force of lightning bolts came pelting the ground and nearly blinding the three strange heroes. Luckily, Tiger's random powers protected them. When they could see, the angel was nowhere to be seen, and the other Genis had collapsed from exhaustion.

Before they could ask Tiger what was going on, they felt themselves switch dimensions again.

Looking around they saw that they were in a park near the swings. Blistering hot air pounded the three and they looked and saw the sun was barely over the horizon. "Where are we now?" Stacy asked.

Tiger glanced around trying to identify their location. "I don't feel any manna around here," Genis said.

"You're right, so this must be earth," Tiger said. Suddenly, a teen with dark blond hair flew through the air and collided with the rocks that covered the ground. "Zack!" Tiger said and ran over helping the boy up.

"Thanks dude, but who are you?" he said.

"He's the one that caused all this to happen, I'm guessing," Stacy explained.

"You," he said as his body began shaking, "I will kill you!" he said, throwing a punch at Tiger's face. The strange hero was able jump back in time to dodge it.

"Stacy, this is not a story where the author wants to be close enough for the characters to hurt them. At least he doesn't know what I had happen to Cody yet."

The teen's eyes widened as an even greater rage filled his body. "What did you do to my brother!?"

"Um, well, he should be showing up any moment so you can ask him yourself," Tiger nervously said.

"Really," a smile began creeping across face, which was quickly replaced by another frown, "I know what you are doing. You're trying to distract me." He charged at Tiger again but this time, the crazed leader couldn't get away in time, so the fist connected powerfully with his jaw.

Tiger fell to the ground and tasted blood in his mouth. Stacy stood back surprised that one a character from one of her favorite shows just attacked one of her favorite amateur authors. But since she has finally learned not to question things like this and to just embrace the randomness, she pulled out a grand piano and began playing "banana phone" on it.

"Zack," another blonde-haired person said walking up to the strange situation.

"Not now Cody, I'm…Cody!" he said forgetting all about the person he wanted to injure before.

Tiger rose from the ground, grabbed Stacy away from the piano and used a fishing line to pull Genis away from the goons he had been distracting by learning about earth from them. And after that long sentence, the dimensions began shifting again leading the three to another strange place.

**A/N: That is what happens when I try to combine my most serious fic with my most random one.**

"Where are we now?" Stacy asked.

Looking around the group saw a strange pattern of large rocks around them. "This looks similar to the otherworldly gate, but the lack of manna makes it seem like earth still."

"Yea, that's strange, because I haven't written anything that takes place here yet."

"Could it be that this is someone else's story?" Stacy suggested.

"Well, there was that one I remember reading that had a scene at Stonehenge, but I never got into it. Unless…" Tiger paused for a moment. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning came from the clear sky and stuck the ground exactly 3.14159265 inches away from Genis. "Get down, more are coming!" the leader said as once again they fell to the ground to avoid the various lightning bolts.

"So where are we?" Stacy asked.

"Apparently I broke the universe worse than I thought and we're now in parts of stories that haven't happened yet."

"Can't you use your author powers to just fix it?" Genis asked.

"Where would the fun in that be? Tiger said as a lightning bolt struck the rock 2.718281828459045 inches above Stacy's head."

"Genis, what's going on here?" Lloyd said from the other side of Stonehenge.

"Wait, Lloyd's here too?" Genis asked.

"I'm guessing this is the Lloyd form my story and you should be here too."

"Why couldn't I be inserted with a logical author?" Genis asked

"Well, the one you hate, the one possibly killed you since you haven't been in the last 33 chapters, so consider yourself lucky."

As Tiger said this, a mentaly unstable person emerged from the center of Stonehenge, and began firing lightning out in all directions. Before the heroes could contemplate what to do, the shifting dimensions pulled them away again.

"Now are we?" Genis asked as they found themselves in a crowded building.

"Boys what have you done!" the heard two very mad women yell.

"That was Raine's voice," Genis said.

"I wouldn't go over there if I were you," Tiger said.

"Why not?"

"Because bad things will probably happen to Genis, and I doubt you want it to be you."

"Confusing, but you have a point," the half elf said.

"What's such a cool beauty here doing here with such losers?" a certain red haired idiot said walking over to the three.

"Forsaken chosen!" Stacy said picking up the nearest vase and basing it across his face.

"Now that's why Zelos bashing is awesome," Tiger said.

"My vase! Why did you destroy it?" the easily irritated hotel manager said.

"It's his fault," Genis said pointing at Tiger.

"I didn't do anything wrong this time."

"You're the one who brought us here."

"Blame the broken universe."

"You're the one who broke it."

"Calm down Mr. Moseby," a teenager girl with blond hair said. "I wanted to hit him with something too after he asked me out then hit on London."

"Don't I get any love?" Zelos said.

"Go to a fanfic written by one of your fan girls," Stacy suggested.

"Tiger, please have good things happen to me," he said attempting puppy-dog eyes.

"You are unloved!" Tiger said as the group walked away. "But secretly, I think you are better than Regal," he said when the crazy fan-girl was out of range. The three heroes shifted dimensions again and found themselves back in the dungeon.

**First scene was "Through the Darkest Flames" chapter 17: enemies of the past**

**Second was "Separated but not Apart "chapter 3: Murder in the park**

**Third was "Summers Last Adventure", unwritten chapter**

**Fourth was "Tales at the Tipton", just after the end of chapter 1**

_

The great pi, e debate, round 2

Duck: How can you think that e is better than pi?

Yuan: Simple, all pi is used for is circles

Duck: Psh, my yoyos are circles and they beat your stick thingy.

Yuan: You should know that no circles can over come the mighty Venutians and e

Cheez: I'll settle this. If you put pi and e together, you get pie, which is awesome so the awesome number would have to be pie, which equals 8.539734223.

Duck: Cheez speaks truth.

Yuan: Indeed.

_

Lexi: Glad to have you back Tiger.

Yuan: Can I go home yet?

Tiger: Only if you pay me 47 gald

*Yuan hands him a 50-gald piece*

Tiger: Sorry exact change only

Yuan: You enjoy torturing me, don't you?

Tiger: Almost as much as Genis

_

Tyler: I haven't gotten to fight anything yet.

Stacy: What do you mean, there were those twilight fan girls.

Tyler: Yea, but they were too weak to count

Zorro: Don't complain about enemies being too easy if you don't want a challenge.

Tyler: Zorro! what are you doing here?

Zorro: Seeing worth opponents to destroy

Lloyd: I'll take you on

Zorro: Yea but you're nothing special. I want to fight the wielder of the infinity orb

Genis: Ha-ha, you got rejected

Tyler and Zorro clash in an epic battle of steal and strangeness that has no winner, since I don't know who would win

_

Lexi's scene of randomness (If you can't guess who inspired this one, please see Dr. Phil ASAP)

As the group continued traveling along the path back to the surface, they noticed a river flowing beside them.

"I didn't notice that before," Regal said.

"It probably has something to do with someone breaking the universe," Lexi said, glancing at the group's leader.

"Don't worry, be happy," a certain overrated doctor said returning to the story. " There's nothing you can make that can't be made, all you need is love, love, love is all you need." Phil began singing Beatles music, quite badly I might add.

"Will someone please kill him violently?" Yuan pleaded.

"I'm on it," Lloyd said unsheathing his swords.

"No, you can't kill him," Stacy protested.

"Why not?" Lloyd asked.

"Because, he can be helpful if you have another emotional breakdown," she said thinking of an almost good reason to keep the doctor alive, since there wasn't such thing as a good reason.

"Look out there are giant meteors heading towards us!" Dr. Phil said as he pointed at the giant meteors heading toward them. Since no one takes his advice seriously, they all ignored him, and were pummeled by the giant meteors falling from the sky. Luckily, since it wouldn't make the story any better, no one died or was seriously injured by the giant meteors.

As they heroes rose from the random act of nature, the meteors began cracking, and emerging from them were giant spiders.

"Eep!" Stacy said as she hid behind her muscular hero. She had nothing to fear from the arachnids, as man eating turtles emerged from the river and chased the spiders away.

"That was random," Lexi said.

"You're the one who gave me the idea for it," Tiger replied

"But I didn't tell you to have that happen."

"Don't question the author." Genis was about to comment, when he found duct tape randomly across his mouth. "If I asked for your opinion, I would have taken the duct tape off."

"Putting Genis' discomfort aside, don't you think we should do something about them?" Regal asked.

"I got it," Yuan said, as he pulled the doctor by the ear, and led him over to the turtles. Yuan used his wings and flew to safety while the animals proceeded to maim, incapacitate, torture, kill, and eat the body of the always-mocked Doctor, while the rest of the group easily snuck around them.

_

Stacy's love life

"Oh Regal, you are so cool and handsome."

"Do we have to go through this again," Genis complained.

"Don't worry this one will be different."

"But I thought I was the one you loved," Kyoya said entering the room.

"So you don't have a crush on me anymore?" Regal asked.

"I'm losing you to an older man?" Kyoya said as Stacy struggled to form words.

"Of course not Kyoya," she stammered.

"I believe I understand what is going on. She seems to have a fascination with the angst, dark secluded people, and so devotes herself to them, but when multiple people like that are together, she can't form coherent sentences," Regal explained.

"Whoever had the idea to do this to me will be hurt badly."

"Tiger, you might want to start running," Genis said, just loud enough for Stacy to hear.

_

The Kratos rip off

After following the long winding path, they finally reached the door. However, standing in their way, was one final foe for them to face.

"I'll give you no quarter," he said pointing his sword at the group.

"One, I don't need a quarter," Stacy said, "and two, only Kratos can pull off a line as awesome as that."

"Humph, I guess I have no choice but to kill you then," Richter said. "O hellion whose roar chills the very soul, resound"

"I'll handle this," another fighter said as he began casting his own spell "Sacred powers, cast your purifying light upon these corrupt souls. Rest in peace sinners."

"Bloody Howling!"

"Judgment!"

The attacks of darkness and light, clashed, but Kratos' attack easily over powered Richter, slamming him into the nearest wall.

Not to be defeated that easily, Richter charged at Kratos and prepared to unleash his most powerful attack. "The pain will only last an instant!"

Kratos was unfazed by this and prepared his own attack. "Struggle against these holy chains, shining bind!" The raw power of Kratos' attack completely destroyed Richter and the heroes continued to the door."

_

Gate of doom, part two

Tiger tried to open the door, but was unsuccessful. "Apparently with the universe breaking, the door won't open," Tiger said and then he then proceeded to fire 476 nuclear bombs at it.

"Why did you use so many?" Genis asked

"There is nothing on earth that the application of unreasonably large amounts of explosives can't cure."

However, the attack did nothing.

"Why didn't that work?" Tiger complained.

"Maybe since we aren't on earth, that logic doesn't work," Genis suggested.

"Could be, but I know one thing that will," Tiger said as he pulled out a roll of duct tape.

"Not again," Stacy and Genis said in unison.

"Relax, I'm going to use duct tape to fix to door so we can leave. The only problem is, this will take about 10 days, so after that time, we shall see what lies beyond the door."

"Why duct tape anyway?" Stacy asked.

"Because it has a light side, a dark side and holds the universe together. It's kind of like the force."

"That was incredibly profound," Lloyd said. Kratos then decided he dropped his son on his head too many times as an infant.

"By the way Stacy, you have two new txt messages," Tiger said

"How do you know that?"

"I never gave back your phone when I stole it several chapters ago."

"Give it back or else."

"Sorry, but I have a universe to fix."

_

A/N: This was the only chapter I have ever written to be seven pages long, and the second longest in word count. The next chapter will be out on August 13, and will have some unexpected events. That is, unless you were able to pick up on the foreshadowing.


	25. Bonus chapter: Revenge of the authors

Good evening everyone, lovely morning, isn't it? I must interrupt you regularly scheduled self-insert, because of certain events just beg to have my brand of random comedy added to it. Enjoy, and do not attempt to do this at home.

Random bonus chapter: Revenge of the authors.

"Where are we now Tiger?" Stacy asked as she and her favorite insane amateur parody writer were transported to another location.

"We are going to call in some additional help to get revenge."

"Revenge for what?"

"Fan fiction. Net will pay for their technology failures," Tiger declared as he summoned a massive force of authors ranging from the mildly annoyed, to the angry, to the ones who have no clue what is going on.

"Okay people; are you ready to make them pay?" Tiger asked the crowd of people. He received a variety of different responses such as, "Yes", "No", "What is going on here?" "I'm calling the cops", "I love you", and the occasional shoe throw at his head. He took this odd combination as a yes and led the team against the foe.

After traveling some unimportant distance, they came across the foe. When asked why he couldn't just transport them right where they needed to be, Tiger responded with, "This chapter will be incredibly short anyway, so I have to have something to make it slightly longer."

Tiger, Elinna, Stacy, along with the other authors finally reached the main database of , and they would make it pay for its taunts of reviews, and lack of alert-e-ness. Tiger pulled out his nuclear bomb pellet gun, while Stacy brought out her swords. "Um, I'm not used to this type of story, so I don't have a weapon," Elinna said.

"Let me see what I can do about that," Tiger said as he reached into his back pocket, pulling out a newspaper, ballpoint pen, sword, Komodo dragon, and a video of soap operas. After carefully thinking it over, Tiger decided to give her the pen to use.

"Wouldn't the sword work better for me?"

"Haven't you ever heard that the pen is mightier than the sword?"

"Yea, but when's the last time you saw someone charge into battle with a pen?"

"When I looked into the future and saw the results of this battle," Tiger answered.

"You use author powers to solve every argument don't you?" Stacy said.

"It's more fun than logic, that's for sure," the current author answered.

After coming across the database, they fired their attacks at it. The various nuclear bombs from Tiger combined with the swordsmanship of Stacy to weaken its defenses. Elinna had no idea what to do, but since a lengthy and logical explanation would be too much work, she randomly found a way to slice and dice her way through the outer walls of the mainframe by using the pen like a boomerang.

The hoard of authors soon poured into the center of it and began attacking it in as many ways possible. Tiger led the team as they proceeded to, punch, kick, bite, knee, elbow, body slam, scratch, torture, stab, nuke, slash, pierce, pound, swindle, slap, murder, detonate, impale, incapacitate, chew, incinerate, eat, maim, and lastly, go out with the best friend's sister.

After this bizarre series of attacks, Tiger called off the angry authors, reminding them that without their beloved website, they would be sad.

So with the authors having their anger satisfied, continued back to their homes to continue their great stories. This was with the exception of Stacy, who had evil ideas. Now, if you would be so kind to review, I would love it, and am sure I will get it sometime. Next chapter will be back to my normal adventures, and hopefully proofread, so see you then!


	26. The end: One Final Stand

_"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road  
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go  
So make the best of this test and don't ask why  
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time_

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right  
I hope you've had the time of your life

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind  
Hanging on to memories and happy times  
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right  
I hope you've had the time of your life"

_Time of your life, Greenday_

"Yesterday is a promise that you've broken  
This is your life and today is all you've got now  
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have

Yesterday is a kid in the corner  
Yesterday is dead and over

_Don't close your eyes. Don't close your eyes_  
_  
This is your life, are you who you want to be?  
This is your life, are you who you want to be?  
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?  
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose"_

_This is your life, Swichfoot_

The end: One final stand

After many days of fixing the universe with duct tape, the door would finally open. "Never underestimate the power of the mighty duct tape," Tiger said as he opened the door. He and the strange heroes walked out of the dark and stormy inferno, after nearly three months of being tortured by Tiger's randomness.

"Now that we are out, what do we do?" Genis asked.

"You expect me to know what happens next?" Tiger replied. "Where did that Regal obsessed fan girl run off to anyway?" he asked noticing the lower amount of random craziness.

"Well this is your story after all," Lexi said.

"I'm pretty sure he just types random words and goes with whatever seems the most random," Stacy said suddenly remerging.

"I neither confirm nor deny that possibility."

"Tiger, did anyone suggest to you that you need counseling," Lexi said.

"As a matter of fact, yes they did," Tiger answered his crazed Australian friend. He then turned to Stacy, "Trying to escape my comical forms of torture aren't you?"

"Of course not, I just had an idea of my own I had to try out," Stacy said cryptically. While some people would try to understand Stacy's evil actions, that is one mystery that will have to be unsolved, until the author decides otherwise.

"Wow, I fail epically," Tiger randomly exclaimed.

"Do I want to know?" Genis asked.

"Well, I just realized there is a typo in my summery for this story."

"How could you not notice that?" Stacy asked.

"Aren't you supposed to tell me when you see them?"

"What do I look like, your spell check? Anyway, go fix it before more people make fun of you."

"Well that might explain the lack of reviews for this, but at this point, I say it's better not to change it, especially since ff,net is having problems so I can't get in to fix it."

They continued walking through some kind of place that is unimportant to the story, so it will not be described. While they traveled this unimportant path, they came across something that was very important, but too abstract to be described.

Tiger jumped back in fear at seeing this. His heart began racing and his breaths quickened. He looked down, hoping it would go away, but knew that it wouldn't. Both Cheez and Duck recognized the foe, and knew what its appearance meant.

"What is this?" Genis asked.

"It's the enemy I barely managed to escape from in the greatest fears chapter," Tiger said, "It's the reason I brought you all here. I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to beat it myself. It's none other than real life." Looking at the enemy, Tiger could see the life ahead of him, the life of collage, responsibility, and things other than sitting at the computer all day. He knew that it was coming, but never thought it would get to him.

"So what do we do?" Lloyd asked.

"I don't know if we can defeat it," Tiger admitted, "It might be best to run away from it, and face it another time."

"There is no way to turn back time," Presea said.

"I didn't even notice her being here," Yuan said.

"Yea, I didn't plan on her being in this chapter, but that line just fits perfectly for that situation."

"Um, Real Life is approaching; we might want to do something," Regal said.

"He's right. Now is the time to fight!" Tiger said as he began channeling a spell. "Mystic spark eruption!" The leader enhanced all the other fights powers so they might stand a chance against the foe. "Now, use this power to destroy it!" he said as he pulled out a staff of his own.

Lloyd, Regal, Kratos, and Duck all charged at the foe, preparing their most powerful attack. Cheez, Lexi, Stacy, Tyler, Tiger, Yuan, and Genis began channeling their most powerful spells.

"I'll show you, divine justice!" Lloyd said as he unleashed his mighty falcon's crest

"From the shadows of my soul arise. By the power of the new moon, engulf the foe in the frosty embrace. Fimbulvetr!"

"You're not getting away, Final Fury!" Regal said as he attacked the foe with his barrage of kicks

"Struggle against these holy chains, Shining Bind!" Kratos said as he unleashed the brilliant light attack.

Duck concentrated his energy, and vanished from sight and struck the enemy with his silence attack, attempting to stop the enemy from unleashing its skills.

"With the ruby gaze, arise from the darkest flames. Come forth, Red Eyes Darkness Dragon." Tyler chanted as he summoned the mighty dragon to unleash its fury.

Cheez pulled out two lasers and simultaneously began casting his two spells. The barrage of flaming meatballs along with the duel blasts of the laser collided into Real Life.

"Fossilized Curse!" Lexi said as she harnessed the power of nature into one brilliant spell and sent it at the enemy.

"Divine forces of the elements combine here for me now!" Tiger began spinning his staff and the eight colors of the elements began spinning around it. As it spun faster, the colors combined into a bright white. "Banish the foe by thy combined might!" he said firing off the mighty spell at the foe

"Celestial forces of the heavens, beckon to my cry. Unleash thy might of divine thunder," Yuan said as he cast his now existent lightning/light mystic arte.

"I'll show you your powerlessness. Indignation Judgment!" the awesome mage said as the many attacks combined in an array of sheer power.

With a never before seen amount of force, the powerful attacks fused together, and collided into Real Life with a force equivalent to 4.7 sun sized anti-matter bombs. However, Real Life was completely unharmed by the attack.

"This is bad," Tiger said as he backed up in fear.

"Is there anything else you can do?" Lexi asked.

"That attack had all of my author powers imbedded in it. There is no reason that it should still be standing."

"No matter what you do, it can't be stopped," another familiar face said emerging from the foe and walking toward the group. Tiger, Cheez, and Duck immediately recognized the fourth member of their group.

"Felipe, what are you doing here?" Duck asked.

"I've come back for a short time to prepare for the coming change," Felipe explained.

"But, I don't want anything to change," Tiger protested.

"Dude, it's coming weather we want it to or not. I've seen the greatness He has in store for me. I know there is more for you than just sitting at the computer all day."

"I know what you mean but…"

"Duck, Cheez, it's coming weather we want it to or not. You can't just procrastinate forever."

"I can sure try though," Duck said.

"I guess everything we have been through will be pointless, if we don't use it," Tiger said looking forward.

"Wait, so what does this mean?" Lexi asked.

"It's after me, no matter what I do," Tiger said as he began to take a step forward. "I have no choice; I have to let it take me."

"Wait, so this means you won't torment me anymore?" Genis asked.

An evil smile came across Tiger's face. "Just because I won't be here as much doesn't mean I don't have plans for you. Take my advice and convince Namco not to allow fan fiction if you wish to live."

Tiger's eyes glanced over to the heroes of Symphonia. "Thanks for showing me your world, a place where my dreams could grow and soar into things I could never imagine. Oh and Genis, there is one thing I have wanted to do since seeing you in DotNW." The leader walked up to the half-elf and ran his hand through the boy's hair in the most annoying way possible.

He then turned to the authors that he wasted many hours reading their strange ideas. Even while, he could have been doing something more productive with his time, that wouldn't have been nearly as fun. Seeing worlds of adventure and comedy through different eyes is something he will miss as Real Life pulls him away. "Good luck," he told them, "And don't think just because I won't be here all the time means you can stop writing your random, crazy ideas."

"Lexi," Tiger said as he looked to the one who he'd traveled with through more worlds than he could count. "We won't be sad, we'll be glad, for all the fun we've had."

Tiger began to step away from his friends and to his uncertain future. Those he had traveled the path with for the past many years joined him. Beside him stood Duck, Cheez, and Felipe. The road they had traveled for so many years would soon split. In so many ways, they were the same, but knew they had different roads to travel. "It's been fun."

As Tiger saw his past fade into the background, he lifted his eyes to the heavens. The foe he had avoided for so much time was right in front of him, and he knew that he could no longer get away. Logic told him that this was the necessary next step. The normally illogical warrior surprisingly gave in. With his eyes lifted to the infinite expanse, a prayer escaped his lips. "I don't know what this holds, but let this life be everything You have planned for me."

With that, Tiger left the world of his own thoughts and dreams and let himself be taken into the story of the grand author. He didn't know what it would hold, but he knew that the story would be something greater than he could plan.

_

"_If our lives were made up of a series of novels, this moment in time would be the end of the last chapter in the book, and when we walk out of here today as the graduating class of 2009 the chapter will end. The book will close forever as we move on to the next novel in the series, the next stage of our lives as we take on the responsibilities of adulthood and pursue higher education, employment, and our dreams, whatever they may be." Reflections in Time, Kulmanari_

_"You can pour your soul out writing a story you believe in  
that tomorrow they'll forget everything you said  
write it anyway, write it anyway"  
Anyway, Martina McBride (slightly altered)_

"This is the world we live in  
And these are the names we're given  
Stand up and let's start showing  
Just where our lives are going to" Land of Confusion, Disturbed

"Now take me as you find me  
All my fears and failures  
And fill my life again  
I give my life to follow  
Everything I believe in  
Now I surrender" Mighty to Save, Hillsong

"You only get just one time around  
You only get one shot at this  
One chance, to find out  
The one thing that you don't wanna miss  
One day when it's all said and done  
I hope you see that it was enough, this  
One ride, one try, one life...  
To love…"  
One life, 33 Miles


	27. chap 27: can't stop the randomness

Chapter 27: Can't stop the randomness.

A/N: You thought that just because the story says complete I wouldn't add anymore to this. You should know I wouldn't adhere to logic like that.

"_This test is the definition of all things evil. If it weren't deciding my future I would admire it,"_ Tiger thought to himself, as he wanted to stab the difficult math problems.

"_I haven't had to use my brain this much since Lloyd made me do all his homework for the entire year in one night,"_ the young half elf thought as he sat next to Tiger.

"_Hm, pi, that reminds of pie which is awesome,"_ Lloyd thought as he tried understanding the various symbols.

After about 10 minutes into the 2 hours test, one of the students got up, turned the test in, and left. All the others were astounded that someone was able to finish that quickly. The few that knew him were even more surprised. "They are serving steak for dinner, so I will see you later," Lloyd said as he left.

After a period of time later, Tiger and Genis left, complaining about having their brains reduced to mush. They came across Lloyd trying, and failing to exit the doors. "Lloyd what are you doing?" Genis asked.

"I can't get this door to open," he said.

"I can fix that!" Tiger said reaching into his pockets for his favorite weapons. "Wait, I forgot colleges don't allow you to carry nuclear weapons with you."

"Well, you could just try pulling to door," Genis suggested.

"Oh, that makes it easier," Lloyd said after he had tried pushing for the last hour and 45 minutes.

"Lloyd how do you get through that hard of a test so fast, but can't open a single door."

"Well, they told us to do the ones we could do first and then go back and try the others. I couldn't figure out what any of them meant, so it didn't take me long to get through them all." Tiger and Genis face palmed in unison.

"Why did they even have you take the test?" Genis asked.

"To make the story more comical," Tiger responded.

Some transition things happened that only occurred to advance the story to the next scene. Since I don't want to bore you with the useless information, just use your imagination.

"Well that was an interesting transition," Lloyd said.

"Yea, I couldn't believe those girls did that," Genis said.

"Well, Zelos did deserve it after what he did," Tiger added.

Suddenly, a random black blob appeared before them.

"What's going on here?" Genis asked.

"Don't you remember your adventure? It's time for a random battle!" Tiger said.

All around them, the scene fell apart as if it was a broken mirror, and as it did that, they switched to the field of battle. Instead of the blob from earlier, a gunman stood before them.

Genis stayed back charging his magic while Tiger and Lloyd charged at the fiend. As the two drew their weapons, they realized they didn't have any weapons. "Where did my swords go?"

"Don't you remember that they don't allow weapons here?" Tiger said.

"Then why are you charging?" Lloyd asked the obvious question.

"Uh, because it made sense at the time."

"Guys, you might want to worry about the guy about to shoot you."

Lloyd swiftly turned around and punched the enemy. Only instead of his face, which he was aiming for, Lloyd punched a spike in the person's armor. Using this opening, the gunman took aim at Tiger and fired. Being the quick thinker that he is, Tiger panicked like Colette when she accidentally stepped on a dog's tail. In his state of worry, he ran backwards and tripped over a rock, sending him flying backwards in the air, where he unwillingly did a back flip; but as he flipped, his calculus book fell out of his book bag, and landed in the path of the bullet. Most people would think a textbook wouldn't be able to stop a bullet and that the last sentence was too long, but those people would be wrong. Both Tiger and his book landed, with the human completely unharmed. The gunman was shocked by this and aimed again.

This time Tiger was as focused and determined as ever, so he picked up his book and ran at the foe. Several more rounds were fired, but were swiftly deflected by the might of the textbook. Just as Tiger lifted his weapon to destroy the foe, Genis' spell finally kicked in, engulfing the foe in a sphere of fire.

"That's what you get for messing with me!" With that, the scene faded back to normal, and there was no indication that Tiger was nearly killed or that a giant ball of fire fell from the sky, but such is normal in fantasy worlds.

"We get any drops from that battle?" Tiger asked.

"You nearly died and you wonder about items?" Genis said.

"Well, my book is no longer usable for class, and I kind of need something to replace it," Tiger said as he opened the book seeing the multiple holes in many pages. Eventually the bullets lodged into it fell out.

"Just tell the professor what happened, I'm sure he'll understand," Lloyd said.

"Unless he is like Raine. In that case, run for your life."

Interrupting their conversation, a low flying helicopter flew above them. Looking up they saw a man who had his left angle tied to the blades soaring through the air. This man was none other than the idiotic red headed chosen.

"This is just horrible. How did the girl's dorm afford a helicopter while all we get are some bikes," Tiger protested.

"Think we should follow them?" Lloyd asked.

"Yea, I have to see what else they do to them," Genis said.

_

With that, the heroes and mentally unbalanced author ran after the helicopter, wanting to see what torture they would see Zelos endure. Using illogical speed, they were there as the helicopter descended into a great arena.

"How dare you treat someone as great and awesome as me like that?" Zelos declared, as he broke free from the ropes. Genis began casting a spell until he saw a massive force of angry females surround him. Normally Zelos would be thrilled at such a site, but this time he knew they had evil plans for him.

"I now call the meeting of the Zelos Wilder tormenters, or the ZWTs," a silver haired woman said. "Since our president could not be present at this current time, I will be running this meeting.

"And I'll be assisting secretary Raine," Sheena said as she burst onto the scene.

"Don't worry ladies; there is enough of this marvelous splendor of manliness to go around."

"Yea, between those idiotic enough to love you there might be," a familiar man said walking into the arena. "For you see, I am the definition of manly awesomeness.

"Chuck Norris! What are you doing here?" the chosen asked.

"I'm here to show you how much of a pansy you are when compared to a real man."

"These two will now compete to show us who the true man is," Sheena announced.

"It's just unfortunate that the author didn't tell us what they would be doing," Raine added.

"I have an idea," Chuck said as he told Zelos and the rest of the people his plan. Zelos immediately agreed and a big smile grew across his face. As Chuck began preparing for the contest, Tiger stepped in.

"Hold it!" he said, "I can't allow that kind of contest to occur without increasing the rating of this story."

"You're no fun," Chuck said as he put his clothes back on.

"Yea, I liked his plan, and the girls seemed to be really excited too," the perv said.

"That's only because Chuck is as awesome as me, and not because of you," another celebrity of manly awesomeness said as he entered the room. "I pity the fool that would ever love you."

"Mr. T, what are you doing here?" Chuck asked.

"I'm here to show this fool what a true man is."

"I have a plan then," Tiger said, "A two on two battle with the two awesome people, against Zelos and anyone else he can get to help him."

Zelos would have objected, but Tiger's author powers made that impossible. Instead, the chosen looked around for a partner.

"Tiger, want to help me?"

"Hey, I gave you a good role in one story, so this one I have to make you suffer."

"I hate Tiger-logic," Zelos began looking for another partner. "Hey violent banshee, want to help?"

"Idiot chosen," was her answer, along with her hand slapping him across his face.

"Hey bud, want to help the great Zelos?"

"Even I'm smart enough to stay away from this fight."

"Um, Zorro, please help!"

His request was unanswered since the author knows too little to write a battle about people like that.

"What about you, brat?"

"I'm in. Why did I just say that?!" Genis screamed.

"I was too lazy to think of anyone else, so you'll do," Tiger responded.

"You're aware you have a meteor storm heading for your house soon?"

"Yea, that's fine," the author answered as the battle began.

The great (in his own mind) Zelos and the warlock Genis stood across each other. As Tiger held up the flag indicating the start of the match, the most bizarre crossover idea ever came across his mind. He made a mental note to have his brain scanned as told the combatants to "Assault each other until someone was either dead, dying, or in more then 7 pieces."

Chuck and Zelos charged at each other ready to fight. Their weapons clashed in mid air, and by that I mean, Chuck kicked the chosen's blade, completely shattering it. Zelos then ran like a scared kitten trying to escape a bulldozer as he hid in the arena where he proceeded to scream like a little girl.

"May the killer embrace of frost take you, absolute," Genis said as the ice surrounded Chuck. However, the attack did little more than give him the cold shoulder. "What do I do know?"

"I'll protect you," Tiger said jumping into the battle.

"You really think you can defeat both of us?" Chuck asked as Mt. T was making Zelos look as if he lost a fight with a blender.

Tiger looked around analyzing the situation. "Not at all," he replied, "but I can do this."

**End of chapter.**

**A/N: Will you ever find out how this battle ended? What is Tiger's strange crossover idea? Will I be able to get this updated before my battery dies? And to answer your question, yes a calc book can stop a bullet. I have seen the evidence, and you can guess what I'm doing with my books when I don't need them anymore. **


	28. Chapter 28: Awards show!

Just because I haven't updated for a month, you think I haven't been planning comical strangeness? You should know that my mind never stops being random, much to my friend's dismay. But before I begin I have very sad news to report. I must fire my proofreader.

_

Tiger: I'm sorry but your work is horrible, so you're fired.

Tiger: But I need my minimum wage job to pay for collage.

Tiger: No, not that one, the job of you being a proofreader.

Tiger: Good choice then, but without me, they would be even worse

Tiger: Fine, but I'm cutting your salary in half

Tiger: You don't pay me to begin with.

Tiger: works for me!

Tiger: I'm sorry but your work is horrible, so you're fired.

Tiger: But I need my minimum wage job to pay for collage.

Tiger: No, not that one, the job of you being a proofreader.

Tiger: Good choice then, but without me, they would be even worse!

Tiger: Fine, but I'm cutting your salary in half.

Tiger: You don't pay me to begin with.

Tiger: works for me!

_

With that done the heroes of both heroic and non-heroic heroism looked around to find themselves in a large coliseum.

"Welcome one and all," Tiger said from his podium, "to the first ever, Tales of a Parody of a Self Insert Awards Ceremony."

"Haven't I suffered enough?" Zelos complained.

"You can never suffer enough," Stacy said, "But haven't we been inserted into enough of your confound adventures."

"So you are saying you don't want to spend more time with Regal?" the author asked.

"Thank you so much for brining me here!"

"That's what I thought," the author said, "Now it is time to recognize the greatest accomplishments that have occurred in the past 27 chapters."

"Like destroying random things you want to make fun of?" Genis asked.

"Exactly. Now to bring out my co-host for this chapter. This isn't her first time hosing a story, nor the first time being yanked out of her own story for the entertainment for others. She even made a brief appearance in this before. Now please welcome Loy from Tales of Truth or Dare." Crickets could be heard in the background.

"What the (moo) are we doing here?" the flirtations chosen said, "And did I just moo?"

The guest host could be seen laughing. "Thanks for brining the censorship button."

"Not a problem Tiger. Now to our first dare!"

"Wrong fic."

"Oh, in that case, to our first award. This award goes to the one who killed the most enemies in the inferno."

"In third place, the fearsome Cheez with his bizarre weapons and spells," Tiger declared.

"Does this mean I get to (bark bark) (meow meow)?"

"Cheez, I'm ashamed at you using language like that," the mentally off balanced one said.

"But all I want is to (cupo). You enjoy (rawr) too!" he protested, "I give up." He then sat on the platform and waited for something more logical or edible to come.

"And in second place for biggest serial killer, would have to go to, Lloyd."

"So what do I win?"

"Absolutely nothing," Loy said.

"And for the first place causer of lack of living," Tiger said trying to build up the suspense. "None other than the extremely violent person," he continued wondering how long he could draw out the revelation of the winners name, but found that he could only think of so many words, "Genis!"

"I don't get anything either do I?"

"Not one bit."

Zelos then commented, "That's (beep) (bop) (vroom)"

"Perv!" Sheena declared as she slapped him across the back of the head.

"Well with that convenient segway," Tiger said.

"It's time for the most often censorship character award," Loy said.

"In third place, we have the worst luck of anyone brought into a self insert. The gunman Charlotte from Two Worlds combined, from her 'salute to Kratos.'

"(Bark bark) mercenary," she said accepting her reward of the same thing as everyone else.

"In second place, we have the master of getting smacked upside the head." Tiger then paused, for dramatic effect, and to allow the comical comment from Raine.

"I don't hurt my brother that much."

"Raine, you fail!"

"Thank you Loy, and the second place prize goes to Zelos." Fan-girl screams could be heard from the stadium. "And his prize is a night with 50 women who look just like he likes them."

"Oh yea!" the chosen said, only slightly excited.

"Except, they all have taste in men like Stacy, and tempers like Sheena."

"Isn't that a bit too much even for him?" Loy questioned.

"Isn't my comedy normally a tad overboard?"

"True."

"And first place goes to the master of awesomeness, Chuck Norris."

"So where is my prize?"

"Sadly, no prize could meet the awesomeness of Chuck, so like most of our other winners, he doesn't get one."

However, Chuck quickly remedied the situation by doing a roundhouse kick, which made 72 of Zelos' former fan-girls come down and swoon over him. "Time to (sound of one hand clapping) me some (boom!)"

"So what is our next award Loy?"

"It's none other than the greatest self insert writer."

"Ah, well sadly, this fic is not eligible, since its awesomeness blows away anything else that has been written. What fun would it be if everyone knew who would win?"

"And it has such a humble writer too."

"Exactly, and the prize for third place goes to Tyler for his bizarre crossover adventure."

"Wow, my self insert is the third best written!"

"Uh, Tyler, you, me, and Charlotte are the only S.I. writers at these awards."

"The third place winner shall receive a review from me when I get around to it," Tiger said.

"I'm good with that."

"And now, for the announcement of the greatest self insert I have ever read, will the random crazed one and the master of angst please come forward.

The two authors did as they were told, to the applause of their many adoring fans. Little did they know that Tiger had contemplated this decision and decided he had to use logic here. He had decided he needed to come up with a complex formula, evaluating both fics of the story line, quality of writing, typos or lack there of, and a number of other things.

However, after a process of several weeks, the current author decided to screw logic and go by instinct.

"The award goes to…" he paused for dramatic effect.

"Two Worlds Combined by Venus Tenshi"

Cheers erupted through the crowd.

"For second place."

The clapping quieted and gasps could be heard.

"First prize goes to Fallen Insert written by Regal Bryant Lover."

At this, the rabid fan girl fainted, only to be awoken by her knight in shining armor, running over to her. True, he was a duke in prison clothes, but the other way has more of an effect.

As she awoke, the events slowly came back to her. She saw herself being held in her love's muscular arms.

"I think Tiger's lost it," she said as her cheeks turned as red as Lloyd's jacket.

"Have faith in yourself, Stacy," Regal said in a comforting voice. "Don't underestimate your power."

"Well that concludes my aww moment for the fic, and now for the final award."

"What kind of fic only has 4 rewards?" Loy asked.

"One that is used as a segway to the next arc," Tiger explained, "The final award goes to the most powerful warrior here. Each of the Symphonia heroes and these various original characters will battle it out for the grand prize of temporary author powers to do what ever they want."

All of the heroes began thinking of what they could do with those powers.

"The first battles shall be simple one on one duels with the loser being declared a loser and not eligible to win."

"You just want to have an excuse to write battles don't you?" Stacy asked.

"After reading some of these romance fics, I have to get my violent tendencies out in some safe way. Now if I could just find my list for the first match up." Tiger rummaged through his desk looking for the right object.

"The first round shall be pillow verses car. Uh, that isn't right. How about Zelos verses Regal? That should be more fun."

_

**A/N: What shall the upcoming battles hold for our heroes? Will I get this updated this year? Will Regal win his fight? No clue! I do know that they will be strange, so let the battles commence!**


	29. Chap 29: A list of reasons to kill Tiger

"**Once again, welcome to the Tales of a ridiculously long named awards ceremony, the third major arc of Tales of a Parody of a Self Insert. Now before we begin, I must make an announcement," Tiger announced, "Loy is unable to join me hosting this due to a bizarre incident with an air conditioning vent and a pencil."**

"**This is a complete waste of time," Yuan complained.**

"**That might be true, but that hasn't stopped me before," the author replied. Now I have decided to have two co-hosts for this amount of chapters. They have been called thing 1 and thing 2, tweedle-dumb and tweedle-dumber, along with little devils. Please welcome the twins from the fandom I know nothing about, Hikaru and Kaoru "**

"**Wow, that chick down there is fun to look at," Hikaru said.**

"**You are aware she can hear what you are saying?" Kaoru said.**

"**It's not like she can get up here though," Hikaru said confidently.**

"**I call upon the disciple of everlasting ice, Celsius."**

"**How can I server you my master," the spirit of ice asked.**

"**Go show that perv up there your chilling embrace."**

"**As you wish," she said, leaping up to the co-hosts.**

"**Uh-oh," Hikaru said running as fast as he could, but not fast enough to avoid being freeze lanced, swallow danced, and beat up by a girl.**

"**Well, while he recovers, on to the first battle. Zelos verses Regal. I wonder who should win." Tiger asked rhetorically.**

"**Regal better win!!!"**

"**Stacy, how did you get up here?"**

"**You really should hire guards who aren't distracted by the smell of bacon."**

"**Point taken, anyway, are you sure you want Regal to win?"**

"**Yes, above all else," she said holding a gun to Tiger's head.**

**The author seemed to be frightened for a brief second, before remembering his author powers. He turned the gun into a banana, stole it from Stacy, and began eating.**

**A wounded Hikaru came back and the four looked down at the arena where Regal stood, waiting for his opponent.**

"**Come on, where is that idiot chosen?" the Zelos hater asked.**

**Kaoru checked the computers that were conveniently there, and found that Zelos was still in immense pain from his prize from last chapter.**

"**Well that could be a problem," Tiger said.**

**The twins began whispering an idea into the author's ear.**

"**Are you sure?" Tiger asked as they attempted to persuade him. "She'd kill me… Yes, but she'd find out after something like this… Good point, it would add comedy." Tiger then teleported Stacy into the arena. "With Zelos currently unable to even stand, he obviously is unfit for battle, so instead, Stacy will be taking his place in the battle with Regal."**

**Stacy was not in favor of this idea. "No, not happening, nunca, not in your dreams, not on your life, never, you can't make me, I refuse. I will murder you fatally."**

"**I thought you would say something along those lines, and not just because I wrote them," the insane one said, "If you refuse than Regal will be slowly dipped in boiling magma at the rate of 1 inch or 2.52 centimeters per minute, while you are forced to watch, while I serenade you with music."**

"**You are evil!"**

"**Thank you, but since I can't have anything too sadistic in here, I will heal any injuries after the battle"**

**The duke and the obsessed Canadian stood across the arena from each other. Stacy decided to fight with her blades for the battle. She contemplated using her claws, but knew that getting that close to her opponent would spell certain disaster for her. "Regal, please, don't wear your shackles for this."**

"**Alight," he said removing them. The duke knew he couldn't hold back if he was to get what he wanted. He knew the author powers included life and death, and if he won, he could have the one he loved back. **

"**Stacy, don't hold back. Unleash your true power. As fellow warriors, we owe each other that much respect."**

"**Right," she said nodding at him, "You do the same."**

**Regal ran at the girl, who aimed her swords to block the incoming attack. His kick collided with her blades, but as she prepared to contour attack, he vanished. A second later, he appeared behind her and pounded his foot into her back. The young fan-girl rolled along the ground, for a few seconds, getting up only in time to dodge another attack aimed for her head. She wouldn't let her self be beaten by the man of her dreams that easily.**

"**Ninja arte, sharigon!" Her eyes became the signature Uchiha red, allowing her to perceive her opponents attacks much faster. With the enhanced vision, her blades easily deflected his martial arts with her blades. "I've seen you fight too many times to not know how to evade your attacks." Stacy was now ready to strike.**

"**Ninja arte, fly!" she said leaping into the air on glories wings. She hated having to fight Regal, but knew that if she could win the tournament, she could use Tiger's author powers to make herself old enough to be with Regal. **

**Her new blades, Thunder Cloud and Silver Wind were poised to strike. "Air cutter," she yelled swinging Silver Wind through the air several times, blades of razor sharp air flew at Regal.**

**The duke leapt away from the attack just in time, but he saw that he couldn't defeat her while she was in the air. He could… no, even for the ability to bring his love back, he wouldn't unleash that power on a friend. For a moment, he considered waiting for Stacy to run out of mana, but he had seen how long that would take in their previous battles. It wouldn't be easy, but he had to get her on the ground if he had any hope of winning.**

**He backed away from her, continuing to dodge air cutters, and then leapt into the air after her. He used his heavily dragon attack to thrust himself through the air to his opponent.**

**Stacy was surprised the duke would leave himself open like that, but it gave her the chance she needed. "Ninja arte, hyper beam!" She fired the massive energy wave once the duke was a mere two feet/meters/whatever measurement you would like. However, she was the one who left herself open. He used his heaven's charge attack to get behind her, and used eagle dive to drive them both into the ground.**

**Stacy felt immense pain in her wings, so allowed them to dissipate. She rolled away from her opponent, knowing he had the advantage on the ground. "Ninja arte, recover," she said restoring her health while the duke rose from the crater they had both been in. He used healer on himself, and they were both ready to continue the battle.**

**To start round two, Regal used coil, increasing his own power. He would end this battle as fast as he could. He charged at Stacy, hitting her with his triple kick attack, before knocking her away with white wolf. Stacy gathered her mana and slammed her blade into the ground. "Ninja arte," dragon breath, she said sending a blaze of orange fire at her love.**

**He used swallow dance to leap over the blaze and landed next to Stacy. He used his dragon claws attack, unleashing a series of rapid kicks, which hit perfectly their young target. Pain erupted through her body, but she would have her love no matter what it took. She allowed her constrains on her mana to break to bring forth her full power.**

"**Shadows of the new moon swarm thine enemy and drag him into the fridged after life! Fimbulvetr!" Ice emerged engulfing Regal. He fell to his knees as the attacked drained him of all the heat in his body. After what seemed like an eternity for the duke, he collapsed to the ground.**

**Stacy pulled him up off the ground and threw him into the wall. The crowd was aghast that Stacy would be so vicious to the one she loved, but it was then that they saw that she had changed. Black energy began flowing around her and she grew fangs and claws. "I will destroy you inferior under-breed," her voice said, but this time it wasn't her own. Regal had seen this before, and knew that the once loving teen was no longer in there.**

"**This is getting good," Tiger said with his feet up against his desk, with a bowl of ice-cream in his lap. "What do you guys think of me leaving this as a cliffhanger?"**

"**No, this is just getting good," Hikaru said.**

"**Yea, we don't want to have to wait another month for action," his brother agreed.**

**So with that, Tiger set his music player to "New Divide," and prepared to see this battle though.**

**The demon within Stacy had fully taken over and had his sights on one thing. Regal's death.**

**A battered duke climbed out of the wall and decided he would end this fight, not just for Alicia, but for Stacy as well. **

**Regal and the demon charged at each other. Purple energy began forming in 'Stacy's claws as blue energy formed in Regal's foot. Alto's crescent edge clashed with Regal's roaring havoc. The two canceled out, pushing the two warriors back. Regal had pushed himself harder than he thought he'd need to, but now that she was controlled by Alto, Stacy was just warming up.**

"**It ends now," Regal said harnessing as much power as he could to unleash one final attack. He knew he couldn't fight with Alto much longer, she he'd need to put everything he had into one attack.**

"**You're not getting away, Final Fury!" Regal pounded her with a ferocious barrage of super sonic kicks. Stacy was sent flying across the room and rolled along the ground. Regal feel to his knees exhausted after such a fight.**

"**Is that the best you got?" an injured Alto said, forcing his host onto all fours. All the colors of the twilight began surrounding her as he eyes glowed bright read. "Night shadow!" Alto yelled as he charged into Regal. **

**The duke fell to the ground unconscious. **

"**And it would appear that is the end of the battle. After an exciting first round, the winner is-"**

"**Ninja arte, moonlight!" Light from the moon that hovered above them fell upon Regal, with Stacy gently standing over him. She helped him back onto his feet, though her physical appearance remained unchanged. "I can't help you for long, but you deserve to win. Alto may not show it, but you've weakened him. Finish him," she said fighting off the demon fighting for control of her.**

"**As you wish. You won't get away, die from my rage," he said as his legs erupted with bright red energy. Regal unleashed his fury in an unmatched manor. He wouldn't allow a demon to take control of one he cared about so much. "I won't regret this!" he said unleashing the final blow.**

**The final impact, released Stacy from Alto's control and she fell to the ground.**

"**Well, I guess I was wrong," the author announced, "Regal wins!" The entire force of conscious Regal fan-girls began cheering excitingly, so in other words, there was silence. **

**Stacy slowly regained consciousness and Regal scooped her into his muscular arms. "I have you," he said, picking her up and carrying her out of the battlefield, and planted a gentle kiss on her forehead.**

**_**

"**Wow, that was a cool battle," Kaoru said.**

"**Yea, when's the next one?" his brother asked.**

"**Well, considering how often I work on this, the battle between Genis and Cheez might take a while."**

"**Well, you could at least make sure there weren't all those typos," the twin said.**

"**Sorry, I was a bit rushed, so I might go fix them later."**


	30. Epic random battle of awesomeness

Chapter 30: Epic random battle of awesomeness.

Good morning people who will be surprised to see another update so soon. While most tournaments would end with a awesome fight like this, that's way too logical for me, so it's time for the epic boss battle of awesomeness.

And in the first corner, we have the epic angel of greatness, Kratos, the speedy twin swordsman, Lloyd and the expert of explosions, Genis. In the second corner we have the ruler of the undead, Living Armor, the swordsman who never gives up, Sword Dancer, and the wielder of the devil's arms, Abyssion.

Now without any further ado, let the blood shed commence!

While the Living Armor started panicking about a piece of rust in his armor, the sword dancer did just as he was told and began slashing wildly, but instead of the heroes, he killed the other members of his team. In doing so, he stole the now not so living armor's armor, along with Abyssion's devil's arms. It was now the three great heroes verse a four armed skeleton with the most powerful weapons known to man and nearly indestructible armor.

"Prepare yourself," Kratos instructed his team.

"How bad could it be?" Lloyd replied confidently. The twin swordsman charged at the enemy, unleashing a fury of sword rains.

Kratos and Genis turned away as Lloyd was injured severely and thrown back. He landed on his face three inches from Kratos' shoe. "Maybe you had a point." The angel cast first aid on his son, and they prepared to face this foe together.

Suddenly, three spheres of lightning appeared all around them, and they knew what was coming. Kratos dawned his wings and picked up the two others, lifting them away from the threat before thunder arrow struck.

"Lloyd and I will keep him occupied and Genis will attack him with magic," Kratos instructed and the two teens nodded.

The twin swordsman charged at the fiend and hit it with tempest beast, sending it back as Kratos blasted it with hell pyre. Genis followed it up with his explosion attack right as the enemy collided with the ground. While the attacks were impressive, they did little more than make a ping sound against the armor.

"He's really strong," Genis said as it got up.

"We'll need more than that to be it," Kratos said.

"Yea, but those were some of *bonk* our best attacks."

"Well, I remember the sword dancer was weak against light magic, maybe that would work again," the mage said

"So we could just use the strategy we did before," Kratos said, "Lloyd go distract him while trying not to die while we do something useful."

"Sounds good to me," Lloyd said as he followed the completely safe plan.

"You really think that will work?" Genis asked.

"No, but if it doesn't we're far enough away to not die."

The twin swordsman ran at the monster and tried blocking its various attacks. In about 30 seconds, he had swung at his head, 4 swords, a staff, a kendama, a boot, a frying pan, a golf club, a calculus book, a fan, my roommate, a lamp, and three queen sized mattresses, and a stick of salami. Lloyd was successful at dodging for the most part. "Come on guys, where is that magic?" Lloyd said as he ran for his life.

"It's ready," Genis said, "We just like seeing you suffer."

The mage unleashed his prism sword attack while Kratos used judgment, striking the foe multiple times.

"Shiny!" Lloyd said, running toward the culmination of bright shininess.

"No, bad Lloyd," Kratos said rescuing his son by pulling him away from the shiny by the ear.

"But I like the shiny!!!"

"I think you hit your head when you fell of that cliff," Kratos mumbled to himself while the shininess faded, and once again the flash of epic graphics, did nothing.

"Now what do we do?" Genis said as he began to have a panic attack, "That was the most logical course of action we could think of."

"I got it!" Lloyd said. "We do the most random series of attacks possible.

"I think you've been staring at the shiny too long," his father said.

"Wait, he has a point. If logic has been thrown out the window, then the only thing left to do is go by what remains, illogic."

"That's almost too logical to be illogical," Kratos said.

"Do we have another choice?" the mage asked as another swordsman ran into the arena.

"I fight for my friends," Ike said as he proceeded to great aether Colette killing her, while the rest of the symphonia heroes watched on in confusion. "Oops wrong game," the confused swordsman said running off, allowing the epic battle to continue.

Kratos ran up to the fusion of powerful enemies and unleashed his most powerful spell. "Struggle against these holy chains, Shining Bind!"

Genis aided Kratos' magical assault with an uber spell of his own. "I'll show you your powerlessness, Indignation Judgment!" The many bolts of lightning fell, giving the foe quite a shocking experience, and then the giant swords came.

"I want Shiny!" Lloyd said leaping into the air. His desire unleashed the hidden power of his ex-sphere letting him sprout beautiful wings. The idiotic swordsman flew up and grabbed the swords of Genis' attack out of there air, to the surprise of the other people and any logical readers.

"Combine that with your attack!" Genis shouted and Lloyd focused all of his power on the sword, combining it with his Falcon's Crest attack, slicing its poor victim to unrecognizable bite sized pieces. However, Lloyd's aim was slightly off, so instead of the sword dancer, he completely obliterated none other than villager number 3. He also killed Zelos with it, but everyone cares more about the villager than the idiot chosen.

Lloyd, not to be outdone by his bad aim, got up and charged at the sword dancer again. However, he did not get far this time, as he slipped on a banana peel and slid along the ground, missing his target and colliding into Genis. In an event that defies common sense, and even uncommon sense, Lloyd and Genis combusted into flames.

Kratos would have done something to help them, but didn't for two reasons. 1. He didn't have any water spells, and B. They hadn't done anything helpful so far in the battle.

The seraph stood alone against the powerful enemy now. There gazes were locked, each one waiting for the other to make a move. Harnessing the power of his weapons, the sword dancer unleashed meteor storm, but this time it was focused entirely in one spot. Kratos however stepped to the side, as the impact made a massive crater approximately 32.7319 feet deep. For those who actually use a logical number system, that is about 9.8328 meters.

"I hope you have more than that," Kratos said arrogantly.

"Well this is one thing I know you don't have, Divine judgment!" the enemy said sending the concentrated beams of light down at the target.

The seraph used guardian to block most of the attack, but it still injured him. "How does it feel, the mighty seraph unable to use angel skills like that but that pathetic chosen is able to."

"Accursed Namco, I shall make them pay for this injustice."

"Why don't I join you? I need to make them suffer for not including any good final villains like me in the sequel."

And with that the seraph and the sword dancer went to get revenge on the company for their failures. It would be a very uneven fight.

"We're still on fire!" Lloyd and Genis yelled.

"Can't you just use spread?" Kratos replied.

"But I'm out of tp after you made me use indignation judgment."

"Then go smack stuff with your kendama.

"But that became incinerated too."

"Sucks to be you."

And with that Kratos flew off into the sunset, carrying the supply of orange gels with him.

_

Tiger: I must admit that while I am the awesome writer of randomness, these ideas were not mine alone, but many of these inspired by my roommate. Say hi to the people

Roommate: Colette must always die!!! She's too freaking annoying! And Zelos sucks. To Tiger: Tell them he's quite sadistic, but you can see the logic. *Kicks Tiger for no reason*


	31. Chap 31: Even more violence!

Chapter 31: This much violence should be illegal

Okay, it's been two months since I last updated, so time for some more epic battles. Since it's been so long, I'll give you three epic fights instead of just one. The next battle shall be the match of strange magic awesomeness. Genis and Cheez, get in the arena and kill each other.

"But I'm still on fire here!"

"And I'm still hungry."

I guess I'll have to use some author powers here. Genis is no longer enflamed, has full tp and is no longer in pain. Cheez is no longer hungry. Any other complaints?

"Regal isn't in this chapter yet," Stacy said.

"Don't worry, he will show up later."

*Fan-girl squeal*

The two spell casters squared off against one another with their weapons of choice in hand. Cheez had his Spartan laser in one hand and his frying pan in the other, while Genis carried his kendama.

"Time for pew pew pew."

"You're gonna regret this."

Cheez started off with his classic spell, "Terrifying beast, transform into a tasty feast."

Genis ran out of the way as the ground around him transformed into a pit of boiling oil. The half elf wasn't as skilled in one on one battles when he would be the target of all enemy attacks. Many of Cheez's skills could defeat him if they struck, but if he couldn't stand still, he couldn't charge any powerful magic.

Cheez then pointed his laser at Genis and the infamous red dot appeared. The silver haired boy cast lightning fast enough to strike his foe, forcing the blast off target. He then began casting a more powerful spell as red runes surrounded him. The food obsessed one knew he couldn't stop the coming spell.

"Explosion!" Genis yelled and a burst of flame descended from the sky. Cheez knew he couldn't outrun it so did the only other logical option. He opened his mouth wide, and ate the attack. This caused Genis' to question everything he knew.

"What, I was hungry." He then felt a strange pressure in his stomach. "Wow, I haven't felt like that since Taco Bell had an all you can eat bean buffet. The crowd was then informed that gas masks were being sold at the concourse level. Too bad for Genis, he couldn't leave the arena.

The two mages then began casting their most powerful spell.

"Infinite power, grant me thy strength."

"Infinite pork, I want to eat!"

The meteor and meatball storms collided in mid air. Flaming meat and rocks soon littered the battlefield. The sight of enflamed objects around the area reminds me of the last time my mom tried using a grill, but that's another story.

"Your unorthodox spells are a challenge to defeat," the half elf admitted.

"I want the sanvich."

The duo then began casting another spell.

"Gentle winds gather before me and transform into blades of air."

"Strips of beef, gather before me, and transform into filet mignon."

The crowd's hamburgers floated out of their hands and into the battlefield where they were transformed into steak cuts of beef taken from the tenderloin, or psoas major of the steer or heifer. Cheez began eating, but sadly for the always-hungry one, Genis' cyclone destroyed the steak, along with the one eating them.

"And that's game!!!" I said ringing one of those massive Chinese gongs. "Now for round two. In this battle, Regal shall be facing um… psst, what's your name?" The combatant refused to answer. "Okay, he gets no name."

Regal found himself transported into the arena once again. He was afraid of what foe Tiger would have him face this time. This time though, his foe looked dangerous. His foe's royal blue trim shinned against the pitch-black armor. In his hand, he held a sword with a golden hilt and a dark blue blade.

"Who are you?" Regal asked the strange figure he had never seen before.

"My name, his Xylek," he said in a raspy voice through his mask. "Now, come at me."

"We have no choice but to fight," he said charging at his foe.

"Dark sphere," Xylek said, instantly incasing his foe in piercing darkness.

Regal fell to the ground for a brief second but soon unleashed a fury of kicks on his foe. However, the heavy armor blocked the attacks Xylek brought his sword up and swung it at Regal but the duke jumped back to dodge the attack. "You're speed is impressive, however you can not defeat my magic. O gathering flames of darkness, treat our dear guest to the strains of your terrible song, bloody howling!" The darkness came from all around the duke slicing through him. While he was stuck in the air, Xylek took the opportunity to slice his sword across the duke's chest.

Regal fell to the ground but rolled out of the way to dodge another attack. He used his speed to unleash his white wolf attack, and then used mirage to get behind his foe and pounded him with crescent dark moon. The runes on Xylek's armor began glowing and an ice-tornado attack emerged, sending Regal into the air. The magic swordsman leapt into the air to attack the duke, but Regal managed to deflect the attacks with his grieves. The duke pounded Xylek back into the ground with his eagle dive. Regal knew he'd have to find the weakness in the armor if he wanted to win. He unleashed his wolverine attack, but the attacks were blocked. Soon though, Regal saw an opening and pounded Xylek in the one weakness in his armor, the armpit.

"You use an interesting combination of attacks," Regal said as he caught his breath.

"You haven't seen anything yet." The blue runes on his armor began glowing brighter. "Dark winds of winter lend me thy strength. Take my foe to an everlasting slumber." All the light and heat in the arena began fading. In the darkness, Regal could feel ice starting to form along his body and knew he'd have to do something; otherwise, he'd be frozen alive.

The duke tried moving, but the ice was draining all energy from his body. Through the darkness, Xylek walked to the frozen foe. "You put up quite a fight my friend, but it ends now." The thrust of Xylek's sword shattered Regal's prison before slicing through his chest. With that, the duke fell.

A series of fireworks were sent flying into the air signaling the end of the battle. "And now, the fight you have all be awaiting."

"Tiger! Bad things will happen in your future," Stacy said as she tried fighting through guards that are more competent this time.

The next battle shall be the match of two random self-insert writers. Tiger verses Tyler!

"I'm still in this story?"

"Just because you haven't updated in forever doesn't mean I am going to change my epic plans for this story. However, due to the fact that Stacy will try to kill me if I go into the arena, we shall fight on the streets of Paris." The two authors were transported to the city of lights.

"Wait, I'm confused," Genis said, "Is this chapter being told in first or third person?"

"Who said I was going to stick to one?" I responded.

"You can't switch half way through the chapter."

"I reject your reality and substitute in my own," Tiger replied.

The two writers stood across from each other on the city streets. The local citizens were perplexed by the situations, but they weren't too surprised yet.

"With the ruby gaze, arise from the darkest flames. Come forth, Red Eyes Darkness Dragon."

"Not bad," Tiger said as he pulled out an old classic. "Come forth, Blue Eyes White Dragon."

Tyler jumped into the air as the two dragons battled, and turned his sword into a Zam-pact-to, or however you spell the swords from Bleach, and bonked the hilt against Tiger's dragon. This caused the monster to pass on to the next realm.

Not to be outdone, Tiger picked up the Eifel Tower and swung it like a baseball bat at Tyler's monster. The attack connected and sent the dragon to Vienna, Austria.

"Not bad Tiger," Tyler said as he charged at his opponent with his sword drawn. Tiger reached into his back pocket for his weapon, pulled out a full sized airplane, and tossed it at Tyler.

Tyler knew he couldn't match Tiger's author powers and that's when the idea came to him. The power of the infinity orb granted him the ability to copy other's powers, and that could include his current opponent. Tyler focused on the orb and soon felt the author powers flowing through him.

"Uh-oh," Tiger said backing away, knowing he might not be able to win. He pulled out his nuclear bomb pellet guns and the attacks hit Tiger. "Wait, how did that happen?" the author said falling to the ground.

"Simple," Tyler said, "causing simple typos can dramatically affect the story."

"That may be, but you're not the only one with creative ideas." Tiger summoned a wall of flames around his opponent and as they came in, Tyler summoned a giant wall of water to block the attack. Several kunai flew at Tyler, but his quick sword work deflected them.

An exhausted Tiger tried thinking of a way to win. He knew Tyler had a vast knowledge of nearly every super hero that existed so none of his attacks could get through. That's when it hit him; there was one attack that Tyler had never seen before. Its power would be enough to win.

Tyler once again charged at Tiger, this time harnessing the power of Superman. The mentally unstable author pulled out an orb of kryptonite, which Tyler turned into a bouquet of roses. Tiger harnessed the same power to block the attack. Their fists collided, creating an earthquake large enough to destroy the Tim Horton's headquarters located in Canada. While they were locked in combat, Tiger used his author powers to distract Tyler from the strange blue energy building in his hand. Using every ounce of power Tiger had, he blasted Tyler with the strange blast, which he had no idea how to block.

The super hero fan fell to the ground. "What was that attack?"

"An energy blast from a dimensional."

"A what?" Tiger walked away, leaving the chapter on a somewhat cliffhanger.

The next chapter will likely have more action, adventure, and perhaps a flying tuna. Oh, and before I forget, here is a mountain dew, so you don't have an excuse not to review!


	32. Christmas:ToaPoaSI style

**Christmas: ToaPoaSI style**

"Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."

"So, this is what Christmas is like on Earth?" Genis asked inquisitively.

"Well, not really, I'm thinking this story needs a rewrite," Tiger said. "Oh, and one other thing."

"What?"

"No interrupting my stories," Tiger said pulling out a random extension cord and hitting the mage in the back of the head.

"_Yall see it twas the night before Christmas, ya hear, and Tiger decided to have a party and invited those both far and near."_

"You suck at rap," Stacy said accurately, "And shouldn't you post a Christmas story in December?"

"Do you want me to take back Regal's invitation?" Tiger said, knowing he had found her weakness.

"I'll go get some earplugs," the fan-girl said walking away.

"Did I hear something about a party?" Zelos said bursting through the window.

"You were aware the door was unlocked?" Tiger said, slightly annoyed, "Oh well, it's not my house after all, so feel free to break things."

"Oh that's good," Colette said, "Cause I accidentally tripped and broke the this." The angel pulled up a black rectangular object.

"That was my laptop…" Tiger said as anger began building inside the author. He pulled out a sword from some place unimportant to the story. "Roar Zabimaru!" he exclaimed to the weapon.

"Wrong fandom," Tyler said walking into the scene.

"That and he probably spelled it wrong," Xylek commented.

"Then that would explain why this thing doesn't work," the insane author said tossing it out the window that Zelos recently flew through. The sound of cat's meowing and a random npc complaining about a sword in his chest could be heard, but the people at the party dismissed it as just an unimportant npc.

"Anyway, don't worry about breaking that," Tiger said comforting the angel, "That wasn't really mine, but was going to be a Christmas present for Stacy so she wouldn't have to fight her siblings for the computer."

"So where's the food?" Lloyd asked.

"And the hot babes?" Zelos added.

"Don't worry, I've put Genis and Regal in charge of the food, and I'm sure you'll find someone here you like Zelos."

"Well considering he'd probably hit on a table if I put a skirt on it," Sheena said.

"Hey, I only did that because I had too many drinks that night," Zelos protested.

"Public service announcement," Tiger announced, "I do not advocate the use of alcohol, especially since it is much more fun to be sober and laugh at the drunk people, especially since you will remember what happened the next morning and not wonder why there is blood on your leg/arm/toilet."

_

And now we join the most important heroes in this part, those in the kitchen.

"So, now we just add a pinch of rosemary, and this should be perfect," Genis said.

"Perhaps also a little savory?" Regal suggested.

"Brilliant!" the mage exclaimed as they put the finishing touches on the steak.

"How about some red salty?" Raine suggested.

"Come on Raine, let's go ruin hunting," Tiger said dragging the healer away from the food. The author could put up with her ruin-mode if it meant a good meal that wouldn't destroy his taste buds.

_

"Dinner's ready!" Genis announced brining out delicious food.

"Wow, that steak looks amazing," Lloyd exclaimed as he began drooling.

"Hey, at least I brought the mountain dew," Tiger said.

"Simply buying things requires no talent or hard work though," Presea calmly stated.

"I want steak and mountain dew!" an unfamiliar feminine voice said which echoed through the room.

"Who was that?" Genis nervously asked.

"It appears that the fourth wall might soon fall," the all-knowing Tiger answered cryptically.

Just as the author predicted, one of the walls of the room fell, reveling two friends watching the events unfold. As this happened, the female of the two charged at the dinner table, nearly knocking Lloyd over to be the first to the steak.

"Siren! What does this look like, a self insert?" the more reserved male asked.

"I'm not really sure what this is, but it is random and there is steak, so I am happy. Come join us Muse." Reluctantly, Muse joined the party, knowing that if she didn't Siren would resort to the use of cafeteria tables to force him, and if they didn't work, Tiger would resort to author powers.

So the two new authors joined the group of undecided number and consumed the feast the chefs had worked effortlessly for. After Siren had consumed more steak than doctors thought possible, her eyes soon turned to something else. "Kratos is here," she said excitedly.

"Run if you want to live!" Muse warned but it was too late. Siren had leapt over the table landing on Kratos' shoulders.

"Now I have you," the newest fan girl said as she happily rubbed her face through his hair. Perhaps she is even more obsessive than Stacy.

"I heard that!" Stacy declared.

"How can you hear something I didn't say?" Tiger complained.

"Tiger, you of all people should know not to use logic in your own illogical story," Genis commented.

"No one is more obsessed over their fan-character," Stacy proclaimed, "And no one is more awesome than my incredibly handsome and cool Regal-Sama."

"I'd say there is only one way to settle something like this," Siren said.

"This can't end well," Muse commented, fearing for his life, for good reason might I add.

"I agree," Stacy agreed.

Tiger brought out his giant Chinese gong and rang it. "Fight to the death!" the mentally unstable author said as the house turned into a giant arena.

"I should have known you couldn't get through a chapter without some violence," Genis commented.

As Regal and Kratos prepared to fight one another, a random pink haired girl the size of Presea walked into the stands with several bags of popcorn. She handed them to the observers and sat down, ready to watch.

"Unknown person," Presea said.

"Yachiru, what are you doing here?" Xylek asked.

"I'm here to watch the fight of course," she said in a joyful voice.

"I think you've been watching too much Bleach," Tyler said, to the current author.

"I won't deny that…"

The two characters squared off, ready to battle each other. Normally they wouldn't fight only because their fan girls wanted to prove who was better, but it's amazing how much author powers can change things.

Siren held up a giant poster showing her love for Kratos. "Can you beat this?" she said to the Regal lover.

Stacy merely pointed up and smiled. Overhead a jet wrote in the sky, "Regal can not be beat."

The two ran at each other, with Kratos trying to stab Regal with his lightning blade, but the duke jumped into the air to dodge it. Regal came down with his eagle dive at the same time as Kratos jumped to use his hell pyre. The two clashed, with the blue haired man kicking the fire right back at the seraph. The blaze singed his arm guard, causing him to brush off the charred parts of it.

"Take it off!" Siren screamed.

The expression of the rest of the group could best be summarized as "O.O"

The seraph jumped back, avoiding another foot aimed for his face, and as the duke charged at him, Kratos unleashed his guardian field attack, striking Regal with light magic. The magic swordsman had found the opening he needed, and utilizing his slasher ability to slash the duke six times, wounded him greatly. He followed it up with a demon fang, light spear, and super lightning blade combo, sending the duke to the ground and bleeding horribly. The attack also managed to slice off Regal's hair.

"How could you do that to him?" Stacy yelled jumping into the fray. "No one hurts Regal like that or defiles his hair."

"You earnestly believe you can defeat me?" the angel scoffed, "Surely you remember what happened last time we fought in this story."

"True," Stacy said brining out her swords.

"Wow, I don't even remember what happened last chapter," Lloyd said.

"Don't worry, neither do I," Tiger added.

Stacy then brought the attention of the narration back to herself. "I have grown stronger since then."

"Hmph," he said, obviously unimpressed.

"Take solace in knowing that your utter obliteration shall be so nigh-instantaneous that you won't have the chance to feel how excruciating painful it is," she replied "Two fisted monkey style attack."

The spectators were even more confused by this than they normally are in the story, except for Yachiru who was quite enjoying the battle.

Stacy jumped at Kratos, swinging her swords like a lunatic, and soon landed several feet behind him.

"You missed," he said.

"Did I?" she said with a smile

*Damage: 999,999*

Kratos fell to the ground.

"And we have winner!" Tiger announced, "In the battle between Regal and Kratos, the winner is Stacy!"

Tiger than applied his magical healing magic cuing the wounds from the battle and the arena once again turned back into a normal house.

"Well, that was fun, but now I have to go," Yachiru said.

"Don't you want to celebrate Christmas with us?" Colette asked.

"Aw, I'd love to Blondie, but I have to report back to Kenny. See you later," she said skipping off into the distance.

"I wonder," Tyler said thinking about the recent events and what he knew about Tiger. "So did that have to do with the actual plot, or just a random event?"

"There is a plot to this?" Stacy asked, aghast that someone would accuse Tiger of doing something like that.

"Well now that we've had the necessary action that must be in every chapter of this, it's time for something much normal, decorating the Christmas tree," Tiger announced.

And so they did, the author managed to pull a fully constructed tree out form under his dining room table.

"Why do you keep decorations in strange places?" Genis asked.

"Well, I had to keep it in my car for about a week to keep from arousing suspicion," Tiger said.

"Suspicion from who?" the half elf asked.

"Hey, that tree looks familiar," Muse noticed.

"Yea, it looks just like the one that we lost," Siren said. The two masters of comedy began glaring at Tiger as they slowly backed him into a corner.

"Uh-oh…" the mentally unstable one looked for something to save him from the wrath of being attacked with Siren's Yaoi manga. "I have an idea!" he exclaimed, "Cheez, destroy the evidence!"

"You got it," the food obsessed one said as he walked over the tree and at it in no more than 4 bites.

"I must study how he is able to consume so much food without severe consequences," Raine said as a wild smile came across his face.

"Run away!" everyone yelled, to which Cheez quickly burst out the door.

"Come back here, I must dissect you!" she screamed as she ran after him.

Once those two had fled the scene, the house began shaking.

"What could it be?" Lloyd asked.

"Well, think for a second," Genis said, "This is a Christmas fic, taking place on Christmas Eve, so the odds are that Santa will show up and give us gifts that will fit perfectly for us."

"Yea, that's a very logical idea," Tiger said, "But too logical for a story like this."

Suddenly, the shaking increased, and then a giant boar crashed through the wall. It then proceeded to moo.

"You're running out of ideas for this aren't you?" Genis asked knowingly.

"Yea…" Tiger admitted, "So Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

_

**Thanks for reading, and I own no one but Tiger. Now go read the other fics by the awesome authors I have stolen!**


	33. Meddle not in the Affairs of Dragons

**Chapter 33: Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and go good with ketchup**

**Disclaimer: The statement that I own anyone here is about as valid as the statement that Al Gore invented the internet.**

The authors gathered around a round table within a medieval castle in Belgium to discuss their new ideas. The walls were adorned with find paintings of spinach and coconut trees, but since that in no way affects the story, it should not even be mentioned.

"So, how goes the writing?" Tiger asked some of his favorite fan fictional authors.

"Well, the writer of awesome Symphonia self inserts has come up with some fun ideas," Stacy answered, referring to herself in third person for no apparent reason.

"We've come up with some evil ideas, in addition to finishing our first not comedy multi chap story," Siren said with Muse nodding in agreement.

"But don't forget Rules of Fatherhood is now finished too," Muse added.

"And we just started a new story too called Half thanks to a dream I just had!" Siren exclaimed.

To this Tiger replied, "Ah, yes, this story had a great start. Luke seems to be an interesting character, and how on Sylverant did he learn the Lord's prayer? This could be interesting, and seems to be a really unique idea. That's why dreams are awesome for story ideas, the logical part of your brain shuts down allowing creativity to flow, and if I may quote final fantasy, "Embrace your dreams! If you wanna be a hero you need to have dreams." So go be a hero of writing and let your dreams propel you to making this story even more awesome! And by that I mean, update soon!"

"Why does that sound a lot like a review?" Stacy asked.

"Because of certain websites not working, I had to get creative."

"And I'm continuing my massive crossover of actiony/comedy awesomeness!" Tyler declared.

"Great, and I've come up with some great ideas to put our favorite characters through," Tiger said cryptically.

_

While the authors were discussing their plans, several heroes of Symphonia were gathered together on a dessert island.

"Wait, shouldn't that be desert?" Genis asked, somehow pointing out spelling errors in the narration.

"Nope," Lloyd answered, this is an island filled with all kinds of desserts. The twin swordsman than proceeded to ski down a mountain of ice cream.

"Humph," Kratos said in response, unfazed by the fact he was sitting on a road made completely of chocolate brownies.

"This place sure is sweet," Zelos said, making such a bad pun that the author should be ashamed of himself, "but there need to be more hot babes."

"Guys, we have a problem!" a mysterious teenager with light brown hair said running into the scene.

"Who are you?" Genis asked.

"My name is Cody*, and I have it from reliable sources that some authors have been plotting story ideas that will cause us unfathomable amounts of pain and misery. We have to stop them before something even worse happens to us."

"Do some of the authors go by the names Sirens and Muses?" Kratos asked, fear filling every syllable.

Cody nodded.

This brought back many horrifying memories to the seraph. From the gruesome attack of the fan girls to an incident in a basement that he refused to acknowledge ever happened.

"They aren't the only ones," Cody announced grimly, "Stacy aka RBL is also there."

Zelos' eyes shot up at this. "She's already tried to turn my honeys against me for Regal. I mean, how could someone not like someone like the Great Zelos?"

"Yeah, big mystery there," Genis sarcastically replied.

"We're not out of danger either," Cody said to the mage, "I've uncovered Tiger's plans for future stories."

"What happens to me?" the silver haired one asked nervously. He had already been the victim of Tiger's various ideas, nearly dieing several times, not to mention dragged through a completely illogical dungeon for several months.

Cody took out a small piece of paper, reading it so Genis could hear for himself. "He couldn't see his opponents speed until it was too late. The fiend sliced his axe across the young mages body before anyone could reach him. The blade cleaved through flesh and bone, causing Genis' limp body to fall to the ground."

"This evil must be stopped!" Lloyd declared, pounding his fist into his open palm.

"Yeah, there has to be some way to stop his author powers. I for one am not just going to stand back while he plots ways to kill me," Genis declared.

"How do we get there though?" Lloyd asked.

"Well, knowing Tiger, we will be forced to travel along a long and winding road that will take us to Tethe'alla, the moon, Wisconsin, Asia and the Grand Canyon," Genis said.

"Or we could just take this," Zelos said pointing to a large portal that was labeled 'The portal to Tiger's castle, use only in cases of emergencies or assignations.' "I'd say this fits the second one."

"I'm not sure if we really need to kill them," Lloyd said, remembering that Tiger was also his friend and someone about people not being born to die.

"Apparently you don't know what he did to my brother," Cody cryptically said before stepping into the portal with the others right behind him.

_

"I object to that because I find your objection objectible!" Tiger exclaimed tossing a live killer whale at the nearest candle.

"All I did was ask where the bathroom was," Tyler nervously replied.

"Oh, second door to the right," Tiger said pointing to a door fifteen feet off the ground.

"Who do you get to build your strange buildings?" Stacy asked.

"Some people have way too much free time on their hands," Tiger answered.

Tyler shrugged off the strange design and harnessed the power of one of the many flying super heroes to get into the hallway, which happened to have the floor on the ceiling and ceiling on the floor. If this was any other self-insert Tyler found his way into, he would wonder what was going on, but by now had learned to expect random things happening.

"Man, I'm bored, why can't we have any excitement," Tiger said flipping open his DS and cursing himself for never remembering to charge it.

"Well you could try to write something," Stacy said, trying to subtly persuade Tiger to updating a certain story. She then remembered that he didn't notice subtleties so she decided to be slightly more direct. "Go write the next chapter of ToaPoaSI sometime before the end of this year!"

As the authors talked about nothing of interest, the ground began shaking violently. Muse rushed to the window to see the Symphonia heroes battling through legions of guards.

"You think they are here for the free ice-cream?" he asked seeing the various heroes slash and blast their way through the many guards.

"One way to find out!" Tiger said pulling a 40-pound barrel of strawberry ice cream out of his microwave and tossed it out the window at the heroes/villains, depending on your perspective. The author's aim was dead on as it landed upside down on Genis' head. The melted pink ice cream flowed down the young mages body covering him in a sticky mess.

"We have to keep going," Lloyd said as he used beast to knock one of the guards into the moat.

"How can he have so many of these?" Zelos complained as a samurai hit him on the head with a bag of potato chips.

"It's Tiger, what do you expect?" Genis answered as he cast cyclone ripping several of guards into many small bite sized pieces.

"Probably a five headed dragon who enjoys eating bacon," Zelos stated. For once the chosen was correct and a five headed dragon emerged from its cage.

"You couldn't keep your mouth shut could you?" the still ice-cream covered mage said.

"I'll handle this," Cody said cryptically. He walked up to the dragon and red armor with golden trip surrounded his body. A sword as black as the night emerged in his hand. The dragon sent a mighty stream of fire at the teen, but he didn't move. He held up his sword, which harmlessly deflected the blaze. "Bend to my will mighty dragon," he ordered as his armor began glowing brighter.

To all the other heroes' surprise, the dragon calmed down instantly and began licking Cody's face and barking like a dog.

"In all my years of fighting, I have never come across something this illogical," Kratos stated.

"One thing I've learned about Tiger is that he enjoys throwing people into epic adventures almost as much as random comedy," Cody explained, "So it's only natural that he'd give the heroes at least a chance to fight back.

_

"Evil computer!!!" Stacy randomly exclaimed.

"What's wrong?" Tiger asked.

"I had just written a ten thousand word chapter for FI but the power went out."

"You saved recently didn't you?"

"No…"

"Well, that's what you get for not saving. You should always remember to save early and save often or the computer demons will come and eat your work."

While Stacy complained to Tiger about his advice not helping and threatening to toss the monitor at his head, the door to the room burst forth with several angry swordsmen standing in the hallway. "Tiger, it ends now!" Cody said with his sword pointed at the author.

"This should be fun," Tiger replied as a grin came across his face. He unsheathed a sword that he didn't seem to be carrying a second ago and become disturbingly excited about the coming action.

"Attack my fiend!" the teen ordered as the dragon burst into the room and headed straight for Tiger. As always, the author was unfazed by this. Instead fighting the dragon though, he pulled a package of bacon out of his back pocket and through it out the window. The desire for tasty food overwhelmed the dragon, freeing her from Cody's control and she chased it flying through the window, making a giant hole in the wall and falling into the moat below. "Have fun Snowball!" Tiger exclaimed before realizing that his throne room had turned into quite the exciting battle royal.

_

Kratos gazed around the room, his sword drawn, ready to cut down his targets. Finally, his eyes locked on to one of his foes. "You!" he yelled, sprinting after her with blade poised to kill.

Siren was absolutely ecstatic that her number one fan-girl obsession was running after her. All her dreams were coming true. "Oh Kratos, of course I'll marry you!" she exclaimed as she ran at him arms open wide ready to embrace her one true love. She closed her eyes, preparing to kiss her soon to be husband, but she instead felt herself shoved back and heard the clash of steal in front of her.

Upon opening her eyes, she saw Muse and Kratos locked in sword-to-sword combat. "What's going on?" the fan girl pondered aloud.

"He was trying to kill you so I saved your butt."

"Why would he kill me?" Siren asked, aghast that the one she thought she loved would try killing her.

"More reasons than I can count," the seraph replied, "But the one that stands out above them all was the incident in the Triet desert with the army of rabid fan-girls. I still have nightmares about that. Do you know how hard the doctors laugh when you tell them you need your nipple surgically reattached?!"

"Oh, that was fun," Siren said with an evil grin, "I even have that strand of your hair at home."

"Feel the pain," Kratos said as he shoved Muse out of the way and charged at the scary author. She knew that there would be no way to escape the coming attack unless she stopped it herself. She pulled out a bow from the same place Tiger keeps his various weapons/duct tape. After notching several arrows, she fired them at the mercenary, but he deflected them with expert sword work before sending her through the ceiling with his shining bind attack.

"You will be next," he said turning to the swordsman.

_

"How many times must you cause horrible events to befall me," Zelos said turning to the female writer of awesome self-inserts.

"Are you saying you don't deserve them?"

"That's beside the point my dear," he said as he drew his sword, "I can't have you causing me to loose any more of my honeys to Regal."

"So it's a fight you want then," Stacy said drawing Dragon's Breath, her first weapons. "Tempest Dash!" she called, leaping through the air, similar to Lloyd's tempest attack and she collided into the chosen knocking him off his feet and onto the ground. She then thrust them at him as he rolled along the ground trying to dodge them. Eventually though, he was able to get back up and blasted Stacy with his hell pyre attack but she easily dodged that. "It seems you've spent so much time flirting you can't even beat a girl in a fight."

"Why you…" he growled before rushing at Stacy just as she had planned. She tossed one of her blades at him like a javelin, which he blocked with his blade before she rushed at him. The chosen barely had time to raise his blade to block her sword from chopping off her head. However, in his haste, Zelos had not noticed her equipping her claw to her unarmed hand. While their two swords battled for supremacy, Stacy easily slashed across Zelos' stomach with her claw, sending him to the ground.

"Next time you pick a fight, know who you are up against," Stacy said as she calmly walked away.

However Zelos wasn't about to be beat that easily. "I'll show you what I'm made of." Golden wings emerged from the chosen's back as powerful light magic flowed around his body.

"It's Shining Bind," she said before trying to run. Too bad for her, there was no escape from this attack.

At the last minute through, Siren came crashing through the ceiling, and landed squarely on Zelos's head knocking him unconscious.

"H-he's coming," Siren said with her last breath before fading unconscious.

"Well that was a random way to end the battle," Stacy commented, not caring about the obvious foreshadowing in that last statement.

_

Tyler and Lloyd stood across from one other, each one with their swords drawn. "So, I guess we're fighting each other," Tyler said.

"I guess so, although I don't really have anything against you," Lloyd replied.

"Same here, I mean I probably should be helping my friends not get hurt too badly." Tyler then ducked to avoid a 25-pound bag of pizza dough colliding into his head.

"Hey, that was my favorite lawn chair!" Tiger complained in the distance.

"So, want to go play video games instead?" Lloyd asked.

"Sure why not?" Tyler said shrugging his shoulders and walking away from the battle.

_

Tiger's blade clashed with Cody's as they leapt in the air after each other. "Remind me why I make my heroes so strong?" Tiger complained as they landed on the ground.

"Because you like making even stronger villains," Cody answered, keeping Tiger occupied while Genis cast meteor storm. The mage had surprisingly good luck with his attack as all the meteors landed squarely on Tiger's head.

"I'm going to have a headache in the morning," the author complained, but as expected from Tiger the attack didn't do any real damage.

"If has that much power, is there a way to beat him?" Cody asked

"I'll show you your powerlessness!" Genis declared as powerful bolts of lightning came down from the sky striking Tiger.

"Why must you all destroy my precious ceiling; what has it ever done to you!?" he whined, having a strange attachment to inanimate objects.

"Indignation Judgment!" A blade filled with lightning fell from the heavens, but Tiger wasn't going to let an attack like this end him. He leapt up in the air, grabbed the blade of lightning and brought it down, slicing through Cody with enough force to send him back to the proper fandom.

_

"Siren!" Muse yelled seeing her partner in crime fall back to the earth.

"Distractions will prove to be your downfall," Kratos said as he knocked Muse's rapier away. The seraph pulled his blade back ready to deliver the finishing blow, but a random flaming teen collided through the side of the castle and knocked Kratos in the wall.

For a brief second, Muse wondered what was going on, but instead he thought it would be best to make sure Siren was okay. He ran over to his friend and helped her off Zelos, of course paying no attention to the chosen buried under her. Muse cast cure on Siren waking her up.

"Alright, that hurt," Siren complained but was able to stand on her own. "When did you start carrying a sword anyway?"

"After the Easter incident with your sister, I thought it would be best to be prepared for anything. What could beat a rapier with such a cool hilt?"

"That's such a clichéd weapon though."

"It's a cool one, that's what it is," Muse replied confidently, "More original than a lame bow and arrow at least."

"Shut up Muse…"

_

"What's Natsu** doing here?" Tiger asked, completely forgetting he was currently in a fight to the death with Genis. Instead, he just left his opponent and ran over to pry the stranger's head out of a painting that vividly depicted the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

"Thanks," the stranger said once he was free. He had bright pink hair, a dark tunic and white baggy pants.

"Guys, you might want to look over here," Lloyd said as he pointed out the window.

"What is it?" Genis asked as the remaining authors/characters walked over the one of the many holes in the side of the castle. The sight was strange to say the least.

"Is that what I think it is?" Muse asked.

"Yep," Tiger nodded in agreement. Before them stood none other than old Godzilla hopping around Tokyo City like a big playground.

"This can only mean one thing."

"That The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny is coming," Tiger declared somberly

**To be continued…**

*****Cody is taken from the Suite Life series, where I am known for causing bad things from happening to him in my stories

**Natsu is taken from the anime Fairy Tail, which is full of random actiony goodness!


	34. Chapter 34: The Ultimate Showdown

**Last time on ToaPoaSI…**

"Guys, you might want to look over here," Lloyd said as he pointed out the window.

"What is it?" Genis asked as the remaining authors/characters walked over the one of the many holes in the side of the castle. The sight was strange to say the least.

"Is that what I think it is?" Muse asked.

"Yep," Tiger nodded in agreement. Before them stood none other than old Godzilla hopping around Tokyo City like a big playground.

"This can only mean one thing."

"That The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny is coming," Tiger declared somberly

**And now, for an epic battle of epic proportions…**

"Do you know what this means?" Tiger asked the crowd of authors/heroes.

"Not a clue!" Lloyd responded.

"This means that this chapter will be a song fic to the randomly comical song 'The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny,'" Tiger announced while raising his fist in the air! "And the music video that inspired this chapter can be found here: YouTube . com /watch?v=4WgT9gy4zQA&videos=l2El3_9LCeo" Tiger added.

"This can't end well," Genis said, but before the rest of them could agree with him, the battle began!

_Old Godzilla was hopping around__  
__Tokyo city like a big playground_

The Symphonia heroes and various authors found themselves in the middle of Tokyo, completely disregarding the fact that the last chapter took place in Belgium. Before them stood none other than Godzilla, who was destroying everything in sight.

"I think he has the right idea," Tiger said as he proceeded to fire off nuclear bombs in various directions.

"Tiger, helping the villain is not the way to get hot babes to fall for you," Zelos said.

"Have you seen the crazy women I have to put up with?" he replied.

"More chicks for me then!" Zelos said running off and unleashing a variety of powerful attacks on the giant monster. However, they did nothing and the chosen was sent through the nearest building via Godzilla's big toe.

_When suddenly batman burst from the shade__  
__And hit Godzilla with a bat-grenade__  
__Godzilla got pissed and began to attack_

Zelos couldn't believe that he was saved like that, and a number of the dark knight's fans began cheering loudly for him.

"Sure, but I get yelled at when I use explosives," Tiger complained.

"Because you normally blow up way more than necessary," Stacy said as Kratos Regal and Lloyd ran to join the battle. The three heroes went up and tried attacking Godzilla, but they had little experience fighting enemies like that. Lloyd used tempest but ended up getting his blade stuck in Godzilla's body.

Genis shook his head and decided it was time to add some magic to the battle He unleashed his mighty meteor storm attack!

_But didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq__  
__Who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq fu_

Genis didn't know exactly what happened, but the next thing he knew, Shaquille O'Neal had him buried under about 3 feet of rotten pumpkins.

Tiger saw he had to do something to help the young mage, so he challenged Shaq to a one on one game of b-ball. After an entertaining game, Tiger was completely humiliated and Genis somehow had his leg stuck in the net while his arm was duct taped to the rim.

_When Aaron carter came out of the blue__  
__And he started beating up Shaquille O'Neal_

Tiger and Genis weren't quite sure when this random singer started showing up, but they didn't complain. Well Genis complained about his arm being in pain from falling from the basket, but that had nothing to do with Aaron Carter.

"Now what?" Genis asked.

"Get on the sidewalk," Tiger instructed as Mithos came out of nowhere and crossed blades with Kratos. The two angels battled in an epic fight of swordsmanship ending up in the streets destroying a variety of cars.

_Then they both got flattened by the Batmobile_

"How'd you know that would happen?" Genis asked seeing the two angels on the ground with tire tracks covering their wings.

"You should know not to question my odd connections." Tiger said and Batman pulled up beside the mentally unstable author. "I have you now!" Tiger then proceeded to pull a roll of duct tape out of his pocket and tape the dark knight's car to a pole.

Batman then got out of his car and began unducttaping his car to the pole, surprised that Tiger only used a single roll. Finally, he got it unstuck…

_But before he could make it back to the batcave__  
__Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave__  
__And took an ak47 out from under his hat__  
__And blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat_

Not to be out done, by a dead president, Forcystus came out of nowhere and engaged President Lincoln in a shoot out to the death. "Alright here," Tiger said stepping between the two. "I want a good clean fight, no hitting below the belt, no tearing limbs off and absolutely no turning things into a bizarre love scene that would disturb readers to no end."

"I don't have a belt though," Forcystus stated.

"Just go kill each other then, I'm too tired to thing logically."

The grand cardinal and the former president eyed each other, each waiting for the other to make a move. The grand cardinal was the first to fire, blasting the president with a number of his bullet thingies. Honest Abe got up though, took aim and fired,

_But he ran out of bullets and he ran away__  
__Because Optimums Prime came to save the day_

"That made no sense at all!" Genis exclaimed.

"Shiny! Colette yelled as she flew through the air and hugged the giant robot.

"And you expected it to?" Tiger replied while taking a bite of an Oreo while Raine ran past them. The ruin maniac just had to know how a giant robot like this worked.

"Am I the only sane one here!" Genis asked, to which the entire crowd nodded their heads.

_This is the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny__  
__Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see__  
__And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be__  
__This is the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny_

"This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence," Tiger declared as he pulled out his giant sledgehammer and turned Mario into a pancake, almost unaware of the fiend sneaking up behind him.

However, using ninja like reflexes, Tiger swung his hammer sending Edward Cullen into the ground and all the way to the other side of the world. "Have fun in India!" the mentally unstable one said before jumping into the air, not realizing that since they were in Japan, the other side of the world would be Brazil.

Meanwhile Tyler pulled out his sword and crossed blades with an evil copy of Lloyd from the Infinity Orb, which is an awesome story of epic proportions that you should all read. In the clash of steal, Tyler was sent into a building, but as the clone ran at him, the copy master dodged to the side. The evil clone was faster than the Canadian, but he wouldn't let that to beat him.

Tyler leapt into the air, harnessing the powers of the various flying people. However, evil Lloyd pursued him sporting his obscenely large and colorful wings. "How can I beat someone like this?" Tyler asked himself.

"Like this!" Tiger responded, slamming Lloyd into a giant swimming pool.

"How did you get up here?" he asked noticing Tiger randomly having black angel like wings.

"Well my author powers allow me to take powers of anyone I want, including my own fictional characters."

"That's surprisingly logical for you," Tyler said, surprised that his friend could actually make sense.

"Yep, now I must go get my team of killer penguins," Tiger said with a sadistic looking grin before vanishing in a burst of strawberry cakes.

"Cake!" Honey said rushing up to the ground and began enjoying the random objects.

"I should have known that couldn't last long," Tyler mumbled, but before the army of Antarctic birds could arrive, ninjas dropped from the roofs carrying miniature bathtubs filled with baked potatoes and tossed them at the giant terrorizing the city.

However, Godzilla would not be stopped that easily. He ate the potatoes out of the bathtubs, and then proceeded to eat the ninjas. And then…

___Godzilla took a bite out of Optimums prime__  
__Like scruff Mcgruff took a bite out of crime__  
__And then Shaq came back covered in a tire track__  
__But Jackie Chan jumped out and landed on his back_

Elsewhere though, Stacy barely deflected the sword coming at her from the flying toaster before turning to see the army of ninja penguins. "And to think I'm not surprised by this any longer." She sheathed her blades knowing she'd need something with a little more punch. "Fire style, fireball justu," she called, sending a massive flame down the street destroying many buildings along with a number of the Antarctic birds.

"A bit overboard, isn't it?"

Stacy turned behind her to see none other than her sister. "What are you doing here?"

"I came here to warn you that the gnomes are stealing our underwear and our brother is looking for the one in our house so he can make a profit off our under-roos and take it hostage so that he can tell the others to F off," the sister stated.

Just then, said mentioned brother whose name I do not know burst into the scene wearing high tech hunting equipment. Stacy then mentioned something to the author about his real name being Trevor, but that author is too lazy to go back and fix it, and instead would add this long sentence that adds absolutely anything to the story. "It seems to me that their center of operations is in this general area," he said looking for any gnome footprints on the ground. However, out of nowhere a band of gnomes riding rabid squirrels came out of nowhere and kidnapped Stacy's siblings causing the Regal fan-girl to scream with glee. However, things weren't going so well elsewhere…

_And batman was injured, and trying to get steady__  
__When Abraham Lincoln came back with a machete_

"You think a mere human can best me?" Kratos said as he traded blows with the former president.

"Four score and seven years ago," he began. However, Kratos merely ignored the speech many unfortunate students had to memorize in school and charged at Lincoln. He knocked the president's blade away and swung down at him…

_But suddenly something caught his leg and he tripped__  
__Indiana Jones took him out with his whip__  
_

Kratos got up as angry as ever, turning to the Indiana Jones. He was about to unleash the full force of judgment, but an evil grin came across the seraph's face. "Look behind you," Kratos said. Indiana Jones turned and…

_Then he saw Godzilla sneaking up from behind__  
__And he reached for his gun which he just couldn't find__  
__'cause Batman stole it and he shot and he missed_

With Kratos narrowly dodging the bullet, he decided it was time to go all out. He ran at Batman with his lightning blade, but…

_Jackie Chan deflected it with his fist_

Kratos had enough of these people interfering with his fight. He wouldn't allow himself to lose to such weak enemies.

_Then he jumped in the air and did a summersault__  
__While Abraham Lincoln tried to pole vault__  
__Onto Optimums prime, but they collided in the air__  
__Then they both got hit by a care bear stare, oooh_

"Sheesh Kratos, getting beat by a care bear? And to think, I used to think you were some macho touch guy," Anna scolded him.

_This is the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny__  
__Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see__  
__And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be__  
__This is the ultimate showdown..._

Tiger with his golden black wings and army of penguins marched through the city bashing any enemy he saw with a baseball bat.

"How can something be golden black?" Genis asked.

"This is my story so I'll use whatever kind of random unfitting descriptions I want!" I declared deciding to randomly switch to first person for a paragraph. And I will also use split infinitives despite what you say Mr. Grammar check!

"You are aware that Regal was one of the people you hit with the bat though, aren't you?"

At this, Tiger's eyes widened. Not that he managed to knock Regal unconscious, but the fact that he had just unleashed the fury of one of the scariest sights on the planet. Without warning, the possibly rabid Regal fan-girl attacked Tiger knocking him into one of the thus undestroyed buildings.

Not to be outdone though, Tiger tossed his baseball bat to the side and pulled out a roll of duct tape.

"I won't be beat by something that weak," Stacy said. She would be ready for his random attacks this time.

"It is a poor pitiful fool who can't think of at least two ways to spell any word," another random president said as he entered the battlefield armed with several guns.

"What is Andrew Jackson doing here?" Tiger asked while doing a happy dance because he just heard that they are planning a sequel to the great Canadian anime Avatar.

"Don't ask me, it's your story," Stacy said shrugging her shoulders as the sixth president was dragged away by a band of angry band students.

"Now, this for making me watch shojo-anime," Tiger said charging at Stacy with lightning speed. However, she was ready for him, using her blade to block the duct tape. She sliced through the tape before slashing at Tiger wildly. He wasn't fast enough to counter her martial art ability and received several slashes across his arms and legs. Thankful for the fact that these were her mana draining blades, he simply laughed that he didn't use mana to battle. Tiger then leapt into the air, pulled a giant flaming meteor out of his back pocket, and tossed it at Stacy.

Just as she thought this attack would be the end of her, a sweet sound dissipated the attack. All the heroes/villains/other random combatants turned to the sound. It looked as if the sky itself was being opened.

_Angels sang out in immaculate chorus__  
__Down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris__  
__Who deliver a kick which could shatter bones__  
__Into the crotch of Indiana Jones__  
__Who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain__  
__As batman changed back into Bruce Wayne__  
__But chuck saw through his clever disguise__  
__And he crushed Batman's head in between his thighs_

"That's him, that's him!" Siren shouted as all the other people wisely fled for their lives.

"What are you talking about?" Muse asked.

"Remember back in the last chapter, he was the one who sent me back to the ground with his roundhouse kick."

"How are we supposed to remember things from the last chapter when the author takes months to update?" Muse asked a very good question. He was silenced by a refrigerator falling from the sky.

However, just as the heroes were fleeing from Chuck's ultimate power…

_Then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and__  
__"Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight and__  
__Benito Mussolini and the Blue Melanie and__  
__Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie__  
__Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader__  
__Lo pan, Superman, every single power ranger__  
__Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan,__  
__Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan__  
__All came out of nowhere lightning fast_

"Hold it!" Tiger said stepping between the army of random people and Chuck Norris. "Not even all of you together can defeat someone as all powerful as Chuck Norris."

"How could he defeat someone as strong as me?" Superman asked. The classic hero flew at Chuck and delivered a mighty punch that sent him through about five buildings. However, Sir Norris easily got up and delivered a roundhouse kick to the hero, which had the effect of kryptonite and sent him 5.8 light years into the sky.

"We can't just give up though," Kirk said.

"Don't worry, I know a way we can beat him." Tiger snapped his fingers and Tyler appeared before him. "You know what to do."

"Not a problem," Tyler said with a smirk as he pulled out a seemingly harmless card. "Come forth, Marshmallon." The ultimate living marshmallow appeared before them and struck Chuck Norris draining him of his powers.

"It is illogical for something like that to work," Spock noted.

"Get used to it," Stacy said.

"Attack!" Tiger ordered. The army of random people along with his killer penguins charged at the weakened Chuck Norris…

_And they kicked chuck Norris and his cowboy ass__  
__It was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw__  
__With civilians looking on total awe_

However, just because Chuck Norris had fallen didn't mean the battle was near over. Jacob from Twilight jumped into the fray, and kicked Lloyd to the ground. The twin swordsman got up, charged at the werewolf and defeated him in about 2 seconds. However, Jacob rose from the ground and revealed his true form, Shark Boy.

"How is this possible?" Lloyd asked.

"Didn't you know that they were both played by the same actor?" Siren asked as if it was completely obvious.

Sharkboy then brought forth his army of mighty aquatic sea creatures, which charged at Lloyd while the author hoped he remembered his powers accurately.

"This should be fun," Siren said as she and Muse sat on the sidelines with big bags of cheesy popcorn.

"Don't you want to join in the battle?" Tiger asked.

"Nah, this is more sprunchy," Muse stated.

"Sprunchy?"

"Yep, cheesy popcorn is so awesome it deserves its own word."

"In that case, I shall add it to my spell checker."

Tiger then proceeded to fire off a nuclear bomb in the direction of one of the few standing buildings.

"You realize that was the Nintendo headquarters?" Stacy asked

"Well there goes my plan to get Pokemon Heartgold," Tiger said smacking himself in the head.

"Couldn't you just buy that at a store near your home?"

"Well I was going to, but on my way an unauthorized sheet metal authorization fell upon my car so I couldn't," he explained.

_And the battle raged on for a century_

Lloyd kept up with the army of sharks for as long he could, but the hero could only last so long. Just when he thought he had reached his limit, red energy blasts descended from the sky. Lloyd looked up, and saw a figure with black wings, that had a stunning similarity to Tiger's. The stranger formed a spear out red energy which he used the aid the twin swordsman in battling the many sharks.

"Thanks for your help, but who or what are you?"

"My name is Noah, and I'm a Nightwing. Now, it looks like we have quite a fight on our hands."

"Are you guys okay?" Colette said walking into the middle of the battle, tripping, which somehow caused her to cast holy judgment, which irradiated the entire shark army, and a random red head named Bob. Poor Bob…

_Many lives were claimed, but eventually__  
__The champion stood, the rest saw their better:__  
__Mr. Rogers in a bloodstained sweater_

However, Tiger wasn't about to let this old TV star beat him. Surrounded by the massive amount of corpses from the battle, the two drew their blades. Tiger wielded his zampacto, finally deeming it fit to release its true power. "Combust, Noxap!" Suddenly the blade turned into an array of flames, which he sent out in every direction, incinerating Mr. Rogers.

_This is the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny_

Tiger had won, but he then realized he was alone, which made him sad. It was at this point he decided to use his author powers to bring everyone back to life so that the story of randomness could continue, when he had ideas/motivation that is.

_Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see__  
__And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be__  
__This is the ultimate showdown...__  
__This is the ultimate showdown...__  
__This is the ultimate showdown...__  
__Of ultimate destiny_

"Your training is progressing nicely."

"Is it time to return yet?"

"Not yet, but don't worry, you shall have your change at revenge soon enough…" The two vanished in a flash of blue light, an obvious foreshadow of things to come, but that all the readers will probably forget about by the time their identity is revealed.


	35. 35: P,oymttItotw,ftmd,puiab,atsttmNnhoi

**A/N: **It's been almost a year, but now tremble in fear, for the great and random Tiger has returned to bring you a comedy of some-kind, that he hopes will bring a smile to your face, a song to your heart, and a desire to blow up anything within 27 square miles (or 47.2 square kilometers to my friends up north). Enjoy...

* * *

**Chapter 35: Plot, oh you mean that thing I threw out the window, fed to my dog, put in a blender and then sent to the moon. Nope, never heard of it...**

It was a dark and story night on the sea between the Thoda Geyser and the Seal of Water as the heroes made their way across the ocean on a washtub held together my duct tape and magic, Raine trying to keep her lunch down, Kratos being awesome, and Lloyd, Genis and Colette enjoying this unconventional means of transport. Why they were traveling like this in a dark and story night, not even the author knows. And me typing story instead of stormy wasn't a typo, because it was a dark night and perfect to tell a story about, when it also happened to be quite stormy.

However, they finally made it to the shore of the seal and gathered their supplies which for some reason are never seen in the game. I mean really, where they keep all those old weapons and items. I for one never sell weapons, unless I really need the money so they have to keep them somewhere. And those various pointy objects are pretty heavy, or so I would assume. For some reason people don't trust me with pointy objects, something about cutting myself on cheese…Anyway, back on topic!

The heroes made their way up to the entrance of the seal. "Why is it raining so hard?" Lloyd complained, completely soaked from the storm.

"Maybe it will be an important plot device that will make the story even more awesome!" Colette answered.

"I doubt it, Tiger probably just is making stuff up as he goes," Genis added. Oh how right that little mage is.

Colette put her hand on the oracle stone creating a magical bridge of shiny-ness to take them into the seal. They finally made their way out of the rain and decided now would be a good time to camp for the night. Just as they set out the tents and got the campfire ready one of those annoying water elementals came up to them, firing its aqua laser attack which being as overpowered as it is, knocked everyone out except Kratos. Seeing that no one would notice him going all out, he dawned his angel wings and destroyed all monsters within a ten mile radius with a single judgment attack. He then used his magic to restart the fire and took his position as watch for the night.

…

Morning came with the brightness of the sun waking the heroes up. They were surprised there weren't any monsters around, but didn't seem to question it much, not minding a peaceful walk down to the seal. After solving some overly complicated puzzles, and wondering who they needed to kill for coming up with them, they made their way to the portal for the seal.

And thus, in a barrage of epic shiny-ness the boss came forth.

"Bring it on!" Lloyd said with his overeagerness and ran into battle with Kratos running behind him to make sure he didn't get himself killed. After being surrounded by all those water elementals, they were out of life bottles and of course Raine didn't know resurrection yet because games never give you useful skills that early on.

The battle raged, and within about 27 seconds. Lloyd wad unconscious, Colette was petting a dog she happened to find, Genis was being chased by 22 poisons snakes, Raine was out of tp, and Kratos was getting annoyed at having to act like he was having trouble fighting off these simple enemies. He figured he could just wait until Genis and Raine were knocked out and blast everything to oblivion again, though Mithos didn't like having to rebuild the seals whenever he did that. It was surprisingly hard to make new things look so old, but after Kratos subconsciously killed the boss's two minions, he decided he had to bring himself back to reality.

He interrupted the boss's spread attack with his sonic thrust and Colette helped him with an angel feathers attack. The mercenary then went in for the kill when all of a sudden the monster turned into a harmless little butterfly.

"Colette?" he asked. He didn't think the chosen had a spell like that.

"So that's what that button does," a very confused Tiger asked as he held a remote control with all the labels in Chinese. "Good to know for future reference."

"Who are you?" Kratos asked, pointing his sword as this stranger, apparently proving that the continuity in this chapter is about as consistent as the author's attention span.

"That is not important now," he said, looking around nervously. "What is important is that I need you and the other heroes to help me."

"How can we help?" Lloyd asked, having been woken up by a bucket of cold water.

"Well, you see…" As Tiger contemplated how to explain this bizarre situation, a black version of Godzilla with pink spots came through a portal and ate Colette before disappearing over the horizon on purple wings.

"Colette!" Lloyd said running after her, but he was far too slow to be of any help.

"A great evil has struck me," Tiger admitted. "And duct tape isn't even powerful enough to save us from this mess."

"Then is there anything we can do?" Raine asked, knowing the power of the magical tape.

"Maybe, but it won't be easy and will involve lots of violence, explosions, and bacon."

"As long as it will allow us save Colette I don't care what it takes," Lloyd said resolutely.

"Indeed, it will be impossible to continue this journey with her. You shall have my aid," Kratos added.

"And just imagine all the ruins that we can find as we fight this new evil," Raine said, just imagining the fun she could have dissecting the unknown.

"And I think we need someone logical who can cook," Genis said.

"Thank you," Tiger said, sure that Raine's cooking was even worse than school food.

"So who are we fighting anyway?" Lloyd asked.

"One of the greatest evils to ever walk the earth for those who choose the path like mine. Writer's block."

…

And so Tiger led them through a winding path that no man could follow. Hence the reason Tiger paused after an hour to try to make sense of the map. He was having great difficulty due to the fact that the map was in Japanese. However, while he contemplated learning every language on the planet to avoid this problem in the future, a black blob attacked the group.

Only, it wasn't a black blob, it was a bear riding a sparkly unicorn wearing a Japanese komodo.

"What an interesting specimen," Raine said, not knowing something like this existed.

And it charged at the heroes, Lloyd standing in front to block it, but the unicorn slashed at him turning him into a chicken wearing a tuxedo.

Raine instantly started casting recover, but found that this did nothing, because apparently it wasn't a physical ailment. Which is strange considering that being turned into chicken was a physical change, but logic can always be tossed aside, just like Genis when the bear charged at him and tossed him to the moon.

Tiger, seeing that this opponent would be difficult, decided to actually try and pulled out his random awesome infinite space bag of awesomeness. He then reached for his weapon of choice, but apparently needed to organize it better because he pulled out a kitchen sink.

"I wondered where that went," he said before throwing it at the bear, causing it to stumble off it's very sparkly mount.

"I see you must be taken serious here," the bear said, drawing a sword covered with Poptart wrappers.

Not scared at all at this revelation that bear's can speak, Tiger continued pulling things out of his RAINBOW (Random Awesome Infinite Space Bag Of aWesomeness). He was then quite impressed that his random wording actually had a cool abbreviation, despite the fact that this wasn't the correct abbreviation, but it was so cool he can't go back and change it. In fact, he was so distracted that he didn't even notice the bear attempting to remove his small intestines with the sword.

Luckily for the author and the future of this story, the bear missed and instead took out Tiger's appendix, so nothing too serious.

Mean while, Kratos, Lloyd (who was apparently no longer a chicken) and Raine were fighting the unicorn who was somehow deflecting both the swordsman's swords with its horn along with stabbing them a few times.

"How is this thing so tough?" Lloyd asked.

"It must be the sparkles, the glare is making it hard to see," Raine answered.

"All that sparkles must die." Kratos said with such seriousness that the quote must end with a period (giving Tiger an idea for a Twilight fic). And so, the seraph drew his red sword out of his secret sheath and unleashed all his might on the unicorn.

The following events were unable to be recorded because of the amount of violence, gore, horror, and ultimate destruction is too much for any man, women, or child to experience and still live, so instead please picture a puppy begging for a treat.

After that attack and brining Genis back from the moon, the heroes continued on their way, knowing this was only the beginning of the challenges awaiting them.


	36. Chapter 36: Happy 18th Birthday Stacy!

**Chapter I have no idea what number I'm on and am too lazy to look it up: Happy 18th Birthday Stacy-chan!**

**PS, thanks to Wyntirsno for betaing this on short notice.**

**PSS, she says Happy Birthday too.**

And so, that day came to pass, as days have a habit of doing; that she would venture from the realm of rabid teenage fangirl to possibly slightly less rabid adult fangirl. Yes indeed, for on this day of publication, the famed self insert writer up north, the assertive self-proclaimed number one Regal Bryant fangirl would turn 18, and be considered an adult all across the world and on Pluto as well, despite the fact that Pluto isn't a planet anymore, which makes me sad since it always was my favorite.

Alas, I digress…

Now we join our heroine as she climbs out of bed at the completely unreasonable hour of 6AM. I mean, who gets up that early willingly? There is something seriously wrong with her…

She rubs the sleep out of her eyes, and brushes her long blond hair out of her line of sight, and then her eyes go wide with violent thoughts as she notices us all in her room.

"What in the seven circles of hell are you guys doing in my bedroom this early in the morning!"

"We're here to celebrate your birthday!" Siren said jumping around excitingly.

"How did you people know where I lived?"

"We have sources," Muse said as all eyes turned to Tyler, who backed away slowly.

"How did you get in my house?"

Tiger tried to discreetly hide a pink and blue battering ram behind his back.

It didn't work.

"Tiger," she glared angrily.

"You might need a new front door."

With a degree of anger that could only be compared to the time her wii was somehow mailed to Algeria and took 72 days to get back, Stacy proceeded to pick up a lamp and aim it in Tiger's general direction. However, she missed and instead knocked out her dad who was going to check on the various noises.

"Stacy, what's going on in here?" her mom said, as she too rounded the corner.

"Um," the no longer teen said.

Her concerns soon faded as her mom too fell unconscious, thanks to Tiger pulling out a 200-pound sledgehammer and bonking her in the head with it.

"You can't randomly go around knocking out my family," she then complained.

"I brought you a birthday cake!"

With this, all of Stacy's anger dissipated as she proceeded to glomp him, causing him to fear for his life.

"It's downstairs and my dog is down there guarding it."

"You let your dog guard a birthday cake?" Tyler asked skeptically.

Tiger pondered this for a moment. He thought of the possible ramifications. He also thought about an epic battle between killer penguins and zombie tigers, and what kind of effect that would have on South Africa's population of Koala Bears.

However, after taking back his train of thought, he realized he might have made a slight mistake.

"Oh no, she will get distracted by all the strange people here!" After unglompping Stacy from himself, Tiger ran down the stairs, hoping that no one had distracted his dog to get to the cake, but sadly, it appeared his dog had been unable to protect the tasty treat. Instead, the plate stood empty, completely cleaned of any evidence cake had existed on it.

He then noticed icing covering his dog's snout.

"Not again…"

"This has happened before?" Tyler asked.

"This makes three times."

Stacy though got over her disappointment at the lack of cake due to the fact she was distracted by the furry object innocently sitting on the floor.

The dog instantly warmed up to this slightly crazed no longer teen, gently licking Stacy's hand and pawing at her to which Stacy responded by gently petting the dog and scratching her ears. This brought back many memories of Stacy's own dog, Dodge, though sadly he was but a figure of the past.

And to bring this story out of a sad memory of dogs past, Stacy's siblings appeared in the room, obviously woken up by the strange noises.

"Stacy, I know you like getting up at an inhuman hour, but could you and your friends at least keep it down," Kelsey said walking into the room with Trevor beside her.

"Happy birthday guys!" Tyler said.

"Wait, it's their birthday? I thought it was Stacy's," Tiger said.

"Yes, since they're triplets, that means they have the same birthday," Tyler explained.

"Ah, that makes sense," Tiger then nodded and proceeded to pull out his RAINBOW. "Happy Birthday then," he said taking out a home theater system complete with a 67 inch TV (4.62 meters…give or take 5 or so), wii, xbox 360, ps3, and every video game known to dolphins, and of course, with a cherry on top and two US army rocket launchers adorning the sides.

"Here you go Trevor."

"Where did you get all these?" Trevor asked, after a prolonged period of shock.

"That is not for you to know. But if anyone from the Department of Homeland Security asks, you have never met me before, and your name is George."

"Do I get anything?" Kelsey asked.

"Um…" Tiger then rummaged through his RAINBOW, trying to find anything a girl would like. He finally found a pizza that had been in there for 7 years, 3 months, and 22 days (in metric that's 56 meters) and decided that would do.

Kelsey politely declined, and by politely, I mean shoved it into Tiger's face and went back to bed.

After eating not the worst pizza he had ever had, Tiger decided women were crazy.

"So where's my gift?" Stacy asked.

"Is not my presence enough of a gift?"

Stacy's face began turning a color of red resembling my new chair, which I really hope, won't randomly break in such a way duct tape can't fix again.

"Just remember you are an adult and will be tried as such should you kill someone," Tyler said trying to calm his friend.

"Not if they don't find the body," Siren encouraged.

"You're a terrible person," Muse said shaking his head.

"Thank you."

Tiger, fearing for his life, (with good reason) decided to follow logic and jumped out the window. Stacy pursued him along with the other random people, because, well, they had nothing better to do.

"Okay, time for your real gift." Tiger then rummaged through his RAINBOW once again, but kept pulling out fishbowls instead of whatever he was really looking for.

"Having trouble there?" Trevor asked.

"Yeah, do you know anything about multi-dimensional hammer space portal bags?"

"Oh, those are simple."

"Well, it seems like the quark rotation algorithm I use to sort the devices seems to be malfunctioning," Tiger said.

"Did you sort by spin or by color?"

"Spin; the colors can blend together. Plus, I hate art and anything to do with it."

"That could be your problem, if you do it by spin you have to take into account the quantum singularity difference caused by the boron's interacting with the neutrinos."

"I knew I forgot something," Tiger said smacking himself on the head. "Though I should be able to fix it with some duct tape, at least for now."

"When you get time I'd recommend upgrading to a Tachyon model, the imaginary mass can be helpful in regulating the spin of the gavitino."

And after the rest of the group spent quite some time wondering if the two of them were just making stuff up or actually had a scientific basis for their discussion, and Tiger jumping inside his bag to apply the duct tape properly, the random parody author emerged, carrying a cake at least 20 feet high. (23 Liters)

"Where did you get that?" Muse asked, feeling hungry all of a sudden.

"That is not for you to know. Besides, I needed a cake that big to hide a certain something in it."

"So you are going to have Regal jump out naked to surprise Stacy?" Siren asked with a slight laugh.

"Please no, that would be disturbing on so many levels," Stacy shuddered, not needing her innocence destroyed in such a cruel manner.

"Don't worry, I'm not that evil," Tiger said, shuddering at some of the things other authors had done to their poor innocent characters.

"Is this where the birthday party is?" a soft voice asked as its owner walked into the back yard.

And Stacy's thoughts were pulled away from the cake as she saw the sadistic villain walk up to her.

"Alice?"

"Yep," Alice said.

"Yay!" With a very high pitched squeal Stacy grabbed onto Alice and spun her around, as excited as a rabid fangirl meeting the guy of her dreams.

"And how do you live with this?" Tiger asked Trevor.

"You get used to it," he said with an uncaring shrug.

"Don't strangle her!" Tyler said, causing the author to notice how so many character's names started with 'T'.

"It's not my fault Alice is so epic she makes me gay for her!"

An awkward silence filled the air.

This awkward silence was broken by Tiger's cake spontaneously exploding.

I mean it's Tiger's cake, who didn't expect it to explode?

And as the frosting flew, out from the cake emerged, the one, the only Rebecca Black, aka, the worst musician to ever grace YouTube with a viral video.

And now that song is stuck in my head.

She must die.

Violently.

Before the heroes could respond, in the blink of an eye she charged at muse and punched him through the wall to Stacy's kitchen, knocking him out and placing him somewhat comfortably in the fridge. The good news is that when he wakes up, he will be able to answer the age-old question of what happens to the little light when you close the door.

"How is she so strong?" Siren asked.

"It's Friday," the crown evil of the music industry sang (if you can call it singing) while aiming a kick for Stacy.

Luckily Stacy managed to dodge it, but before she could get far enough away, she had to cover her ears to avoid the terrible yet catchy tune.

Tiger, pulled out his signature guns, and decided to approach this with the fire, ready, aim technique and launched the random number of 47 nuclear bombs in Rebecca's direction. However, his aim was less than good, so instead missed with every bullet, and instead blew up Kelsey's bedroom.

She won't be happy.

"We're screwed," Stacy said.

"What do you mean we, he's your friend," Trevor countered.

"Yes, but at this rate he'll blow up your room too."

"Let me handle this then," Trevor stepped forward and pulled a big red button out of his back pocket. Why do they make those big buttons red all the time? Maybe they should make some pink, blue, green, polka-dot, or even rainbow.

He then pressed said red button, causing a magical armor to encase his body from head to toe along with a giant butterfly net to be summoned on his back.

"Why a butterfly net?" Tyler asked as he narrowly dodged one of Tiger's meteors.

"Don't diss the net."

Trevor then jumped into the fray pulling out a flame thrower to incinerate the hundreds of wooden swords Tiger kept trying to throw at the singer who I have ran out of creative descriptions for. Trevor then flung the net over her, causing her to look up in confusion.

Suddenly, the true power of the net revealed itself, a golden light emanating from it, which banished Rebecca to the seventh dimension of the penguin empire. Sadly, she will not be forgotten…

"Now that that's done, I'd better be heading home before the Canadian authorities show up." Tiger said as he dawned his wings and began flying away.

"Trevor, if you'd be so kind," Stacy said with a grin, to which Trevor eagerly flung the net over Tiger. "You're not going anywhere until you review my stories!"

"But…but…but…how could the author be confined by such a net?"

"If it has wings and flies a butterfly net can catch it," Trevor smugly explained.

"You owe me some reviews too," Tyler said as he pulled out a roll of duct tape.

"NO!" Tiger screamed as the force that holds the universe (or at least his car) together was used against him...

**To Be Continued…when Tiger gets caught up with reviews…this could take a while….**


	37. Chapter 37: Vampires and Cell Phones

**Chapter 37 (I think): Vampires and Cell Phones**

Once more we join our heroes (and I use that word only because I'm too lazy to think of a better one) on an epic quest of epicness that probably won't last three chapters do to the author's small attention span.

Anyway, Lloyd, Genis, Raine, Kratos, and Tiger continued on the road leading to no where and everywhere all at the same time. And by that I mean they were traveling in a circle of diameter 27 feet (8.6-ish meters) because Lloyd was trying to track the foot prints that he saw on the ground. And of course, they were the group's footprints so this was getting them no where fast.

Finally, tired of all this wasted travel, Kratos decided to knock Lloyd unconscious with the back of his hand.

And with an unconscious Lloyd still able to walk, complain about being hungry and fight the random monsters that seemed to attack them (just like my boss when drunk) they continued on their way.

And after traveling 13.7 miles, because things can never be close together, they came upon a castled guarded by an army of sparkly vampires.

"Didn't we already have a chapter like this?" Genis asked, quite enjoying blowing up things then.

"Not quite," Tiger said. "You see, that chapter was a legion of random fan girls led by a sparkly overrated vampire, while this is a legion of lifeless vampires led by-"

At this, Tiger was cut off as all the lights in the universe were directed upon the top of the castle where She stood. Beautifully dressed in pure gold, her hair went down to her legs. And her hair was filled with brilliant shades of red, green, and blue, all the colors of the rainbow perfectly combined. And no, it wasn't hair dye; it was all natural. Her hair was truly one of kind. And her eyes, don't let me get started on those

One word, fabulous.

They were perfect in every facet of the word, blue, but not just any blue, the bluest of blues, more blue than the sky and the ocean. And their piercing gaze…I mean like wow, one look and you would melt into a puddle of goop, like serious man.

And after being ashamed to write something like that…back to the violence!

"So, you have come," she floated down on purple wings.

"Who is she?" Genis asked cowing behind Raine for good reason.

"Mary Sue," Tiger said as he looked the perfect character in the eye.

"Why don't you join me Krat-Krat?" she cooed, walking up to Kratos, running her sparkly painted fingernail across his cheek, sending shivers down the normally stoic seraphs spine.

"Of course," he said bowing down before her, completely breaking character, but that just goes to show her far her powers go.

"Kratos!" Lloyd screamed, seeing the once mighty mercenary brought to betray them with just a gaze.

"Aw…is Lloydy-poo jealous? You can join me as well," Mary-Sue said with her grin…the type of grin that could melt steel. No, literally, look behind Lloyd and you'll see a pile of steel beams turning into nothing but a pond of steaming hot metal, which is almost as hot as Mary.

And despite all his best efforts, Lloyd too fell to the seductive charm of Mary-Sue. She vanished into the castle along with Lloyd and Kratos leaving the rest to wonder what they would do from here.

"Why didn't they take me?" Genis pondered.

"Well Mary-Sue only takes awesome characters, so I guess that just means you aren't awesome," Tiger said causally.

This earned him a fire ball shot at the back of his head.

However, Genis, being Genis, missed and instead hit Raine.

He was then pushed by being forced to cook dinner for the night. Not sure how much of a punishment that is since they had food that actually appeared edible and was not filled with random spiciness where sweet should go.

And after dinner, Tiger decided that he would need to call on help to defeat Mary Sue and her power to bend fictional characters to her will.

He picked up his cell phone, glad to see he still got reception here and glad to see it worked despite it being dropped on a vat of radioactive waste last Tuesday, and made a call.

"Hey Stacy, it's Tiger."

"How did you get my number?"

"It had nothing to do with me giving your brother your computer password as a trade." Tiger shifted his eyes, though knew that Stacy couldn't see it. "Anyway, are you busy?"

"Yeah actually. Me and Tyler are slowing dunking his crazy stalker into a volcano."

"Isn't that a bit of an extreme way to celebrate school getting out?"

"Not after all the trouble she has caused us."

Tiger heard the argument in the background and decided his friends were a lot scarier than he thought.

"Ouch it burns!" the crazy stalker lady screamed.

"That's what you get you-"

The sound of a train horn cut off most of Tyler's rebuttal.

"I'm going to assume Tyler called her a witch," Tiger said as his sense of hearing slowly returned.

"That might be for the best."

"But I loved you!" the stalker cried as the lava came up to her waist.

"Love is a brand of egotism that ignores the feelings of its mark while insisting on its own selfish demands."

"So, after this is over, can you help me?" Tiger asked.

"Sure, what do you need."

"Well do you have an extra pair of roller skates laying around?"

"Yep, I brought Kelsey's with me.

"Do I want to know why?"

"No…no you don't."

"Okay, so I need you to get Trevor on the roof about five with an octopus.

"Red or Blue?"

"Green if possible, and if not, then blue should work."

"Okay, and I'll dress up like Tamaki."

"Great, I'll stop by work and pick up a tuning work and shall meet you where the land meets the ocean and where the sky coats the ground in hot fudge.

"Got it, I'll see you at the old Tim Horton's then!"

…

…

Plan with Stacy:

Stacy gets roller blades my size from her sister

Trevor goes on top of the roof with an octopus at 5

Tiger gets turning fork

Stacy dresses up as Tamaki

Meet where the land meets the ocean and the ground becomes one with hot fudge, aka, the old tim hortans.

For conversation, look up file, convo w/ Stacy 6-15

...

Genis: What was that?

Tiger: Oh just some notes I put down since I lost that conversation when my computer overheated.

Genis: You use notes when you write this? ! ?

Tiger: On rare occasions.

Genis: But shouldn't you delete that now that you have the chapter written?

Tiger: Probably, but I'll leave it and write this random conversation instead.


	38. Chapter 38: Too big of a title to fit

**A/N: This update is part of my celebration for being on the site for 5 years! That's right; on April 30 5 years ago I made this account, so today I have decided to update all of my stories that are in progress. This does not mean that more updates will be coming soon if ever though.**

**Ah, my favorite self-insert parody story. Even if I don't write this often it has a special place in my heart. Enjoy!**

**Thanks to Wyntirsno for betaing.**

**Chapter 38: Holy Crap, I've Written 38 chapters of this random story. Awesome!**

He wasn't sure if this was a good idea. He didn't even know what his idea was since it had been so long.

But knowing him, it would involve nuclear bombs, penguins, and duct tape.

And even though he forgot it, he was sure he'd come up with something even greater and more random to make things right.

"Okay, I made it. Now why did you want to meet me at two in the morning?" Stacy protested, resisting bouncing up and down as she had decided to consume large amounts of coffee to be awake at this hour.

"It's the perfect time for college students."

"You remember my bed time is 10pm, don't you?"

"Yes, but it's fun to see you suffer." At this, Tiger had a frying pan thrown at his head.

"So, back to serious business now then," Stacy said.

"Yep…any idea what the plan was?" Tiger asked.

"Didn't you write that down?"

"Yes, in fact I did to make sure I didn't forget what happened."

"And…"

"Well, I got a new computer, so that computer has been purged and sent across the country. And apparently that file wasn't in my story folder that I backed up."

"So, I brought these roller skates for nothing then?"

"I wouldn't go that far." With that Tiger pulled a controller with two big buttons on it, one red and one blue. He pressed the blue one causing a massive plane to appear over them, a ladder brought down for them.

"When did you get that?" she asked, sure that he couldn't have a pilot's license. She wondered what kind of government would even trust someone like him to control one of those two ton metal death traps known as cars.

"I know people," was his cryptic response as he climbed the ladder. He thought about explaining more, but that would take time and thought, no one really cares about all the petty little details of something like this in parodies. Well, at least the author doesn't.

However, as Stacy too went to climb up the ladder, she had difficulty with her roller blades she had taken due to Tiger's instructions.

"Just stay down there, it's all part of the plan."

"You want me to what?"

With that, Tiger jumped into the pilot's seat, donned his sunglasses and pulled on a few levers and buttons and the plane started to take off.

Stacy's eyes went wide as she hung on for dear life as the plane started to move. She thought about letting go, sure this could not end well because, well that would ruin the story. And there was superglue on the rungs of the ladder, yeah, that would do it.

Poor Stacy.

The plane started to lift up, and quite a few ways to kill Tiger crossed her mind. However, those quickly faded when she began racing through the city, having to skillfully maneuver around the trees, snow, and houses that were in their way. However, one tree she couldn't quite avoid in time, so her mouth was filled with leaves and sticks. Ah, part of a complete breakfast. Meanwhile Tiger was at the pilot's seat, his course set for Stacy's house.

"Perfect," he said with a smile. Just as he had planned, Trevor and a green octopus were sitting on top of Stacy's house.

"Now grab on!" Tiger said from a loud speaker placed at the top of his strange flying contraption.

Before Stacy could contemplate what was going on, Trevor latched onto the octopus which then grabbed onto Stacy. The three of them began screaming as they flew through the air at mach speeds. How they didn't fall off… well duct tape does work wonders at fixing things.

And then, after a short amount of time that involved them traveling over the plains, through a woods, on top of a mountain, and under the sea, they once more arrived at the great castle of Mary-Sue.

Tiger stepped out of the plane, joined by Stacy, and Genis and Raine who were somewhere, but I'm not sure where. Trevor was somewhere too, and he may or may not have a role to play, so we'll worry about that later. Tiger then ventured forward, near the castle that was formally guarded by the evil sparkly vampires. However, with Kratos eliminating them last chapter (making him even more awesome than he already was) there was only one left to stop them.

That's right, none other than Kratos.

"It's been a while since we had a battle like this," he said stepping forward.

"Yeah, chapter 7 or 8 or something. Fun times," Stacy said.

"Step aside Kratos, we don't want to hurt you," Trevor said.

"Humph. Do you earnestly believe you can defeat me?"

"Guys, go on ahead, I'll handle this," Tiger said as he pulled a roll of duct tape out of his back pocket.

"I'm afraid I cannot let you do that."

"Didn't Mary only say that you had to stop me, not any of the others?"

"That was her exact command."

"Then stopping them as well would not be doing what she said, and by that, disobeying her," Tiger said, hoping his logic, as flimsy as an undercooked pizza, would hold.

"Very well then," Tiger said, thankful that Tiger-logic still worked in his own little world. Besides, if he could reconcile the truth of a statement like "this statement is false," or proving 2+2=5, manipulating logic on Kratos was a simple feat.

With the rest of his friends/fictional characters running in the castle, Tiger knew that this would be a difficult fight. He was up against Kratos, the Chuck Norris of the Symphonia fandom. He'd have to use very delicate techniques should he want to survive this battle.

"Catch!" he yelled, pulling out a blue mini cooper from his RAINBOW (Random Awesome Infinite space Bag Of Awesomeness) and threw it at Kratos. However, with a quick swing of his sword, the seraph sliced it in half, the two pieces falling to the side beside him.

Seeing that this wouldn't work, Tiger pulled out his nuclear bomb firing pellet guns, and smiling at the irony, he then fired hundreds of the bombs at Kratos. However, dawning his wings, Kratos flew over the explosions, landing next to Tiger and swung it at him. Tiger was ready for him though. And by that I mean he panicked and managed to not get himself killed by pulling his own sword out to block it. Which if you think about it, isn't a good technique as real swords would likely break upon clashing against each other when one is used for defense. But this is a parody where over thinking things was just a silly thing to do.

Whether or not the logic of the situation held though, Kratos let loose a series of powerful swipes, trying to cut down Tiger, though the deft foot work of the author kept him safe. That was until Tiger tripped over a branch sticking out of the ground; making him land sprawled out flat in the dirt.

Seeing that he was about to lose, Tiger unleashed the power of his sword, which if you will recall, is a Zampacto from Bleach. "Combust, Noxap!" Fire shot out from the sword, circling around Kratos, forcing him to jump back, though this wasn't enough to escape the flames.

"Guardian!"

The green shield surrounded Kratos in time to deflect the fire, completely dissipating the attack.

"Uh-oh," Tiger said, someone worried, like when he walks into a math test without a pencil or remembers there is homework due the next day when it's 12:30 in the morning. Oh well, a sleep deprived person makes for a good author. Especially parodies! Yay lack of sleep and Internets to distract said the author.

Oh wait, Internet is working now.

Or is it?

Stupid school networks.

Oh yeah, actiony parodies of violence.

"You should know you aren't the only one who can use fire," Kratos said, and Tiger backed up, drained from the attack of his sword. "Eruption."

The lava shot up from around Tiger, the heat consuming him. But he retaliated by slamming his sword into the ground. The sword somehow absorbed the fire magic leaving Tiger completely unharmed.

"Now, prepare to face my Bankai, the second release of the Zampacto." Despite the fact that the ability to use Bankai was extremely rare, and Tiger had no known training in how to use such a weapon, the sword began glowing a bright red, and he pointed it up to the sky, a red lightning shining through the clouds. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, follow the path all life must. Dulrai Noxap!" With that an unmistakably bright blue flame fell from the sky, and in a matter of seconds, consumed Kratos, the heat too much for even the mighty seraph.

He screamed out in pain, his wings faded away, and defeated the seraph fell to the ground.

"When all else fails, pull out an over powered move from nowhere and move on," Tiger said, dusting off his pants while he went to join his friends in the castle.

…

"Why does every dungeon or castle, or any place we go have to be long and winding and confusing?" Genis complained.

"Because it makes the game longer," Stacy said after beating the 9th random monster of the day.

"Yeah, but what's with these puzzles? We had to build a tower of color coordinated blocks, flood the basement, reroute the electricity of the eastern United States, crash Tiger's network, and that was just to get to the second floor. Isn't that a bit much?" Genis asked.

"Good news is we're almost there now," Trevor said, seeing that they had come upon a big empty room, which looked like the perfect fit for the boss battle. But not just any boss, that annoying boss they put half way through the dungeon just to annoy the players who think they were almost done.

And this was such a boss, as Lloyd stood before them.

"Aw man, she wants me to fight you guys?" Lloyd said, not liking this idea, but knew he had no other choice as he was under the spell of Mary-Sue's love. And as any guy would tell you, it's a bad idea to anger such a woman.

"Stacy, we'll handle this, you go on and finish off Mary-Sue," Raine said, preparing to take on this great and mighty foe.

"Wait, why me?"

"Aren't you the foremost scholar on Mary-Sue's spending countless years on what made them tick, how they grow, their powers, and most importantly how to vanquish them?" Raine asked, disregarding the fact that it sounded a bit too melodramatic, even for her. Granted, no one sounds quite right after they inter the Tiger-verse, especially when randomness/parodies are involved.

"Um, I wrote a paper on them for a college."

"And you used Tiger as a source, I'm not sure if that's a scholarly source," Genis said, which would earn him a spell flung at him if Tiger was near there. Wait, I'm the author, I can do it anyway!

"Ouch!" he yelled, getting struck by lightning.

"Still, you're the best chance we have," Raine said, casting First Aid on her brother.

Stacy nodded and ran past Lloyd while Genis, Trevor, and Raine battled each other.

Stacy made her way through the winding roads, which took her to Alaska, the Olympics, Mars, and Azeroth. Finally, she made it to Mary-Sue.

"Oh, Stacy, it's so good to see you again!" Mary-Sue said with a high pitched sound reveling the joy that had only been seen in Colette so far.

"Death to the Sue," Stacy said as scarily as she could, pulling out her swords. The hatred that she held for Mary-Sue could only be matched by her hatred for biology. And she was about to take both of those out on the perfect character in front of her


End file.
